confessions of a sinful believer: October 2005

its really amazing what you can learn from books..
and i dont mean those specific self-help books (which i dont believe i ever read one before..'cept sean covey's 7 habits of the highly effective teens but i only bought that book because my dad was paying for it and it was to commemorate my first time at Borders..HA) but rather novels and books books..
was revising for my Asian American lit module and re-reading Amy Tan's The Joy Luck Club and a few things did hit me..and made me think..
many of the daughters in the book are passive..unwilling to make decisions being afriad of the consequences..and others are so dependent on their mothers/parents/friends/boyfriends/husbands/basically anyone and everyone but themselves to make decisions for them..and then theres the daughter who prides herself with outside appearances while inside she's crumbling..

somewhat sad to say, i found myself identifying with all of those character flaws, though i shant comment any further or give any more specific details..
if you're my close friend, you should know, you should know the Kathleen more than what she shows on the outside..
ok im not trying to say im fake and a phony to the people around me but ive always had this issue of feeling somewhat fake..
it feels like with different people and situations, i have to change who i am, i have to be who i think other people want me to be, i have to be who they want to see, i have to be the type of person who fits in, i have to be someone whom they would want to be seen with..

its not so much of a dichotomy (oh how i love this word, i hear it almost all the time during my lit lectures and tutorials) of kathleen, a single person branching out into two or maybe a zillion more persons, a split personality..
but its more of..adaptation?
ok thats such a mild way of putting it.
its more of becoming what others would like to me to be and see.
of which ive already babbled on above.

ok. this is not a call for pity or sympathy or empathy (yikes. more words from my lit modules. michele you should get it. hurhur) or anything of that sort.
what im trying to say is in fact a whole lot more optimisitc and happy.

its really time, to be myself.
to just be who i am. comfortable in my skin.
to learn how to assert myself. to stop being so quiet and keep to myself.
perhaps to make my presence known.
but not so much that i'd become the centre of attraction. haha. kat will still remain kat.

slowly i think things have been happenning around me to bring this change.
this semester especially.
computing tutorial. sure i bitched and blah-ed about it endlessly but i learnt much about the joys of being independent. hurhur. ok stop sighing and going "katttttttttt..like finallyyyyy". tsk. better late than never right? hahaaa.
i look back and think of how i used to be in year one. tsk. *shakes head. no wonder i didnt really enjoy my semesters. i was too busy worrying. worrying about what other people thought of me.

i suppose confidence is something you gain slowly, slowly but surely it builds up.
YOU definitely helped heaps in this area.
your constant assurances, little and big compliments, teasings.
all really really did me a lot of good.
boosted my ego a bit. hahahahahahaaahahaa.
and im so glad i feel absolutely comfortable in my skin (snigger.) when im with you.
thanks for not giving up on me.
thanks for being so patient.
thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks!
*insert jumping turtle here

and ho ho ho. i signed up to be part of the sub-com of soci soc. public liason.
yes you heard (or rather, read) correctly.
never in a milion years did i think i would sign up for some club or nonsense. you can ask michele. hahahaa. when she and gina joined, i didnt. tsk.
but yeah. baby steps (anyone remembers mockingbird?). little steps.
a step forward, no matter how small, is still better than a step back.

so whats next?
hopefully. to put an end to something ive been battling for the longest time.
a COMPLETE and FULL end to it.
(thanks michele for being there every step of the way so far.)
if i can conquer this, nothing stands in my way.

if my GOD is for me, then who can be against me?
im more than a conqueror with HIM on my side!
i'll move mountains and calm the sea..
all because HE equips me with for this fight!

ok. im off to watch jamie oliver. hurhur.
(kkkkkkkaaaaaaaattttt!!! why so anticlimax one!!!!!!)
hur.

oh yar. and please pray i find my library book.
i dont wanna pay for it. tsk.
pray someone will find it and return it to the central library for me!

andddddd..(ok last thing, i promise!)
TWENTY-NINE more (LOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!! tooooooooo LLLOOONNNNGGGG!!!!) days before you're coming back!
in the midst of my exams summore..your timing ah..many horriblez..

A Very Special Package

last night somewhere in singapore there was a grouchy kat talking to a-trying-very-hard-to-make-kat-smile jun yuan somewhere a million miles away in perth via google talk.
she suddenly thought of the package that he told her about.
but he never told her what was in it.
or the cost of the postage.
fearing the package was taking a bit too long to arrive, she asked him to go check the date he sent the package.
the doorbell of her house rang but she didnt think to answer the door as her parents would do that.
her parents knocked on the door and told her she had a package.
that put a huge and very excited grin on her face.
when she came back to her lappy she saw via the webcam he was back from searching for the postage receipt.
she grinned and told him the date of the package.
she then noticed how much he paid for the postage.
a whooping $15.50AUD.
(which she obviously "scolded" him about, knowing he'd always say the same thing that always made her smile)
then she excitedly proceeded to open the package (for he kept her in suspense as to its contents)

and guess what?
10 packets of the caramel tiny teddies and a packet of starburst gummies.
the very two items which she brought back to singapore but were finished in a matter of days with the help of very helpful friends and her own mum.