and so this is how its gonna be
no more late nights
and no more smiles to see..

or so i thought
cause i was proven wrong
with a smile that cannot be bought

the elation that comes with surprise
that stems from no expectation
just a simple message will suffice

just came back from my sushi date with corlissa..
thanks girl..for such a great time..from the beginning till the end i think we never once stopped laughing..haha..though its at each other..heh..really enjoyed talking to you..hopefully we'll be able to have more of such sessions..thanks for walking around with me too..haha..and i keep wanting to buy u smthg but u kept saying u dont like anything..tsk tsk tsk..haha..mabe next time then..and ok i bought stuff for myself again..haha..lets see..gio polo tee..a pair of earrings..c&k slippers and muji milk tea! (:

its back to mugging again i guess..
nthg but french french french..really need to do smthg else..like econs..and marketing..which i really suck at..sociology is not too bad because im accustomed to writing essays..oh yeah..and theres elang too..which is just horrid..im absolutely impatient for this semester to end..its just not going very well for me..so far havent done as well as i want myself to..sigh..better buck up for the coming exams..

oh yeah! had breko breakfast with mish and gina monday morning..super duper awesome way to chase the monday blues far far away and start the day..especially a long tiring day of school..mishie had 'peter pan'..haha..just a fancy name for pancakes..gina had eggs toast beans sausages and i opted for a healthy bagel with smoked salmon and scrambled eggs..haha..weight-conscious mah..
heh..the day was ok i guess..as usual our dear french tutor/lecturer went bonkers..haha..but french lecture didnt go very well for my darling gina..poor girl..well..all i can say is pray about it and trust God..He has a very gd reason for allowing that to happen..and He knows better than to let you hear it there and then..He knows what crazy thing you would have done without thinking..heh..give the veggie monster the benefit of a doubt and just dont care about that gd-for-nthg nadia who without question is a b***h..hang in there my dear..ull be alright..ull get through this..u have God, mishie and me! who else do u need? Heh (:

i know u wont read this till u come back but i'll say it anyway..heh..
its true how u told me not to "expect anything anytime from anybody so you can be pleasantly surprised and easily contented"..
haha..u actually remembered how im such an easily contented person..
u never fail to surprise me..
like yesterday when u turned this original entry into a lie..
and with your sms today even though its gonna cost you..
(though i would rather u not sms cause i want u to concentrate on having fun..how ironic..haha)
take care of yourself and have a whole load of fun before the mugging starts all over again..
and to think i was afraid u'd........heh.well.nvm.
(:

rescue me from hanging on this line...
i won't give up on giving you
the chance to blow my mind...

Narrow is the road and too high a price to pay
When loneliness is such a sanctuary
Empty are the musings and wasted are the days
When you say you were only waiting

And famous last words, "I'm not ready yet"
"I won't be gone a minute" and "I won't forget"
Famous last words
If tomorrow never comes, will I ever know that I was in love?

snippets of my life..

just some random photos for your viewing pleasure
yojne.
(:

VCF FOC camp 2004 - the first time i actually talked to Gina since we left PL..amazing how God works..i felt kinda lonely during the camp..but HE blessed me with her presence..love ya girl..

O week 04' - me and my darling gina (again!)..i dreaded going for O week and stuff..but thank God for her and of course my dear Michele who up till now are still making my uni life a great experience..

going for retail therapy with Pei 'E..miss ya tons girl..gotta meet up soon again yeah..hopefully ull get in to NUS as well..call me whenever you wanna hit the pool!

Uni SPG cny steamboat 05' at my place..Me, Rosemary and Ava showing off our dinosaur shaped chips..haha..there was sooooooooooooooooo much food..i had yong tau fu for days and days after..

Erm..try as we might..we'll never be able to fit through those gaps..haha..

Eddy ed ed and me in the cab to the airport..you still owe me cab fare for this ride ed..haha..you agreed to pay for it!

David and Phoebe's wedding - Florence, Grace, Amanda, Me..

us again..minus Florence..heh..really love church weddings..

Only by God's grace am i such an optimistic person...
(:

Time and time again, God evidences the fact that His timing is FLAWLESS.

First of all, i have no idea why Gina bothered to come all the way to school since it'll just be to walk with me to put the project into my tutor's pigeon hole then taking the bus all the way back home..but God allowed it to happen..He made it such that by the time i realised how stupid i was to call her down she was already in the bus..

so heres a HUGE THAAAAAAAAAAAANKS(!!!) to my darling GINA!!!
who wonderfully agreed to go allllllll the way to NUS with meeeeeeee to hand up our (stupid) eLang project..

Secondly, she coming down made a big big big difference to my thursday 'cause she gave me a hug the minute she got off the bus and saw me..u have no idea how loved that made me feel!

Thirdly, she wasn't meeting her friends anymore so i got to spend the afternoon with her at bishan..ate MOS..my fav teriyaki chicken burger..though its an extremely messy business to eat it..haha..i bet i looked like a small kid..but i dont care..haha..walked around..bought her a badge..cant remember the verse on it though..haha..but i know it has a butterfly..heh..bought her a bottle of milk tea frm muji too..gosh..i wonder whos the one whos supposed to be sad..haha..but thanks girl..your company is priceless..you say u dont know how to make me smile but u did..
(:

im definitely not devastated or anthg..but neither can i say i don't care at all..
come to think of it..i dont exactly know how i feel..
maybe disappointed is the closest i can best explain it as..
but the more i think about it the more i feel that its really the best that we're this way..
why go ruin a perfectly good friendship that we both enjoy?
im gonna be ok. i will be ok.i am ok.
and it means i'll be finally reverting back to my normal sleeping patterns..haha

God is just good to me.

He's amazing.
How many can feel as happy as i am after smthg like this has happened?
truely, without a doubt, i am blessed.

(:

i dont know why God is so good to me..
(coz He loves you..tot that was ez.)

no matter what happens..
how bad the situation is..
how heart-wrenching or how painful or how hurting it may be..
i always get this sense of peace in my heart..
the pain no doubt will be there..at least a little eeenie weenie bit..
but i'm still able to smile and just laugh about it..
knowing full well that God is in absoltue control..
and im always reminded of what Romans 8:28 says..

A child so broken-hearted and full of sin,
Yet You died my love just to win..
The sacrifice so great no man can achieve,
Yet you died just so I would believe..

Lonely..we're so lonely..

after school hours are fun with michele and gina..
haha..
today we went to holland v after our marketing tutorial..
it was just one of those mad crazy spontaneous things we smtimes do out of the blue..

and so it was three depressed "lonely..we're so lonely" souls indulging in comfort food..
haagen daz chocolate fondue was not too bad..
'cept we should have waited a while for the chocolate to get warm..
haha..
obviously we couldnt and just starting dunking our fruits and icecream cubes into the lovely smooth chocolate..
walked around and went for more food..
haha..
went back to my favourite acjc holland v joint..
breko's menu changed though..
but change is not always a bad thing..
now they have like tons of new and yummy stuff..
like my avocado yoghurt drink..
ordered onion rings and banana and peanut butter toastie..
gina had the ham and cheese, mish the tuna..
and we've already made plans to go on monday for breakfast..
haha..

hey my two dearest dearest lovelies..
really enjoy all the outings that the three of us have had so far..
no matter what we do..we always have such a blast and so much insane fun..
but wanna let you two know that its not just about fun..
know that im here for you two..
no matter how big or small the problem or stich is..
really pray that this friendship will last..and last and last and last..
(:

Its yet another week...

my body clock can irritate the hell outta me smtimes..
i only went to sleep at about 2am this morning and it woke me up at just about 5 minutes to 7..
how annoying is that..
haha..
and i cant go back to sleep..
but it has its perks as well i suppose..
heh..
i got to spend quality time with with my Heavenly Father by the poolside..
something i always enjoy doing but barely have the time and will-power to do..

heh..
i got to say good morning too..
heh..
and hey..
i'm entitled to ask one more question right?
well..
i think im not gonna ask..
if you have something you want me to know..
you'll tell me..
(:

alright..i gotta get going..
je deteste lundi..
4 hours of francais is just inhuman..
and i end at 8pm..
phooey..
but..
today is White top day!!!
haha..
something to perk up the long and dreadful day..
but..
dad isnt gonna pick me up from school..
which means i'll be home really late..
which means..
sigh..
):

how does one spell love?
G-O-D!

there's always something magical about church weddings and the one i attended today was no exception..
from the start to the end everything about it is just so sweet..
u see the groom so eagerly anticipating the arrival of his bride and how his face just seems to light up when he sees her walking down the aisle...
the bride looks so radiant and lovely as she strolls down the red carpet with just as much excitment..
but more than just the two main characters of the wedding..there's one more main character..in fact to call Him a character would be too trivial..He's the reason that they're together..He's the very creator of love..
He's God..

church weddings always remind me of how God will provide..
and i dont just mean a life-partner..
but the other important things in life like our loving and doting parents, close friends who stick by you through thick and thin and just people who are there to guide and encourage us each stage of our lives..

God's love also really took centre stage at the wedding today..
the service commenced with a short presentation on how they met and finally got married..
though lacking in detail one could see how God was working so immensely in both their seperate lives to finally bring them together in holy matrimony..
both parties went through quite a bit in the past before finally reaching this stage of bliss..
God's love was also demonstrated in the song Phoebe wrote and sang for David..
a song which credited all to God and a song of prayer that they will remain a couple who constantly seek to put Him first..

sigh..
who wouldnt wanna have such a God-filled relationship and wedding?
i know i definitely want it..
and who else but God can give such a beautiful gift?
so im gonna wait patiently..
for Him to work..
(:

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I...I will be here

If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause I...I will be here

I will be here...
When you feel like bein' quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winnin' and losin' and tryin'
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I...I'll be here

Just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
I...I will be here

I will be here....
You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you

And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true
To the promise I have made
To you and to the
One who gave you to me

I...I will be here

And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
'Cause I...
I will be here....
We'll be together

'Cause I will be here

the heart finally speaks...
(well..kinda..sorta..)

i've never mentioned any names up until now but finally i will.
not because i want to insult him publicly (as public as my blog can be) or because i need a space to vent my anger.
im not angry neither do i wanna scoff at him for all that he has done to me.
but its just a gesture to show that this episode of my life has ended.
(:

i dont really care anymore but its interesting to find out from gina that the gf shawn was referring to wasnt even his ex but a new gf.
wow wee.
that just up-ed your level of disgustingness.
haha.
and let me have my two seconds worth of fun and proclaim:
its official.
joel is a bastard.
haha.
and i quote gina --> "ask him go screw himself! what an idiot.."


sorry i've been quite busy the past few days..
thats why ive been writing in poems..haha..only have time for those..
was occupied with elang project..assignments..and especially french...
to top it all i was sick sick sick..
missed school on monday which was like absolutely stupid because i have the most lessons on that day..
sheesh..
talk about my affinity for bad timing..

but other than school work..
my days have been..
happy..
heh..
guess thats as much as i'll disclose here..
heh..
but yeah..
daily doses of serotonin..
very very very good for health..
heh..
thank you.
(:

once bitten twice shy,
pierced by all the frustration and hurt
inflicted upon by your charm.
so many times i wished to cry.

stop haunting me.

you can't lose what you never had,
afraid to release the bridge that guards my heart
and allow the rush of emotion to gush in.
i almost wish we never met.

don't give up on me.

only almost...

you crossed the line,
in record time
but you only almost won..

you gave it your all,
prevented another fall
but you only almost triumphed..

determined till the end,
unafraid of the shadowed bend
but you only almost prevailed..

and the feeling is the same as my fear
of you only almost, almost being here..

Temps

time heals so they say,
it always manages to find a way.
But what if i dont want it to?

time helps us to forget,
memories of hurt and regret.
But what if i dont want it to?

time makes the present turn into the past
and i desperately cling onto them
praying they last
but time causes things to fade
all the feelings and emotions now dead...

are they?

iamalabelwhore.

my feet are absolutely killing me.
but every ounce of pain is worth it.
i had such a blast today.

watched Howl's Moving Castle with mish and gina today.
we caught the 1040am show.gosh.thats early huh.haha.
tried LJS' breakfast.
the verdict?
Cheap and Yummilicious.
except they forgot to pack my potato salad.phooey.

the show was better than i expected, esp since im no anime fan.
the characters are really unique and seriously drama mama. haha.
and yeah howl's pretty (pun intended) cute too. heehee.well at least at the beginning then he started to look kinda er gay.haha. sorry mish. but face it. its true.
the story was quite predictable i guess..your typical fairy tale love story..where love conquers all..where the good always triumph..where the heroine bears no grudges against those who done her wrong..where love sees more than just the outside..where the bad become good in the end..and the most important part to any fairy tale..the girl always gets the guy and vice versa.
if only life was a fairy tale...

went to tangs later for the mini-tour organized by the soci soc.
wasnt too bad i guess..but this was the highlight of the trip:

wanna make a guess where we are? (:

gina went off for another movie so me and mish went full speed ahead to shop.
michele really went all out today..haha..or at least i havent seen her shop so much or been so enthusiatic about shopping for quite a while..heehee..usually im the one dragging poor tired michele around the shopping centre and across orchard road..
she got A LOT of stuff man..and some good bargains too..like her pretty POA skirt and the fourskin tshirt..and mish u owe me money! :P (i feel like some loanshark)

as for me. i got too many things.heh.
asusuayetlagainsowhatelseisnewwereyouevenexpectinganythingelsefromme? HA.
got a pair of black slippers, three pairs of funky earrings, a greyish blue fleshimp skirt, a white belt and this gorgeous bag that i have been eyeing for the longest time (:
wanted to get this tshirt that said "iamalabelwhore" but i thought better not.
heh. least my mum gets a heart attack or smthg. im quite sure my dad would just laugh. heh.
well. gotta refrain from shopping.
at least for a week..maybe two?
a month you say? thats just pushing it too far. HA.
(:

Weariness creeps in...

maybe i just think too much.
maybe i should put a stop sign or button to my thoughts.
maybe i need to just take a step back and let things happen.
maybe i have to simply chill.

but all of the above contradicts the way a stickler works.

Cause it's you and me
and all of the people
with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me
and all of the people
And I don't know why,
I can't keep my eyes off of you...

thissongisstuckinmyheadanditsgettingveryannoying.

i need to let go...and let God...

at the end of the day...
(pun not intended)
(sheesh.why do i keep getting pun-ded.)

the conclusion of the matter is:
buaya and fake.
HA.
thanks ed.
{just kidding}

oh and you know why we dont talk about school?
its cause you're not in school.
duh~
makes sense right.
haha.

Jaded. Disjointed. Weird. A little higgledy-piggledy.

ive been kinda just...

(loud plopping sounds)
dammit who are these nutty neighbours upstairs who are throwing pieces of ice down?!??
argh.
dont you know its gonna hurt if it hits someone?
and its not the first time...
)`:

as it is im feeling kinda agitated.
rather tensed up and edgy and perturbed.
so to the idiots up there, quit fooling around and get a life will ya.

ive always been able to study anywhere anyhow anyway.
with screaming people around me with pin-drop silence surrounding me with yakking girls next to me on the floor on the bed at the desk on the beach under the stars at the void deck in the bus on the train in front of the tv with my msn constantly beeping with the radio blasting with my dog barking while on the phone with relatives blabbering at the top of their voices.

but today i just couldnt sit my ass down and work my brain.
i kept starting but it was just plain futile.
phooey.
i dont know whats wrong with me.

*huge huge sigh*

ms singapore universe is just getting worse and worse every year.
they just have good bods.
well.
at least some do.
and there's a girl called "destiny"?

bah.
sorry.
im not usually like this.
i really dont know whats wrong with me.

Father hold me close to you...
dont let me go..
i dont want to be so distant from you ever again...

and she...

she doesn't give it much thought
but it keeps coming back to nudge her.
she can't help but wonder why
something like that could happen
and she : a stranger.

days whiz by with the aid of work
and activity and labour and toil.
but as she sits down to press the keys,
words remind her of what happened
and she : bemused.

so she just waits
(whenever she remembers)
with the prod of curiousity
edging her on with a cheeky smirk
and she : pourquoi avez-vous appelé?

{Finally! its a happy piece of writing. heh. all credit goes to God (: }

pourquoi avez-vous appelé?
pourquoi...

A Father's reply...

Reach out to me my little child
I have been waiting
all this while
to hold you so tight
cause you to feel alright
and turn the darkness to light...

I know you've been hurting so bad
just too many things
make you sad
so call out "Father"
allow me to take over
and make the gloominess better...

(:

A child's cry...

the searing pain of silence
stabs incessantly
until numbness sets in
and torment no longer is cruel.

its happenning again.

a faint glimmer of hope
hangs dangerously
on the latch at the edge
testing the strength of optimism.

its repeating itself.

quel est amour?

quel est amour?

snippets from my soci txtbk:
"...we assume that people choose a partner or mate based on love. Upon investigating who marries, however, we find that our choices are guided by other considerations: a potential partner's age, height, weight, income, education, race, social class, and religion, among other things... "
"When the conditions are right, we 'allow' ourselves to fall in love..."

and i thought love was..
well..
LOVE.

anyway..
(so anti-climax!)
haha..
had my french test today..
wasnt too bad i guess 'cept i think i answered one section wrongly..but hey the instructions were in french ok..so it aint entirely my fault..
haha..
its never our own fault issit..

tired tired tired..
been having tests for the consecutive past three days..
thankfully tomorrow is my off day..
BUT i have econs test on friday morning..
10 to 10:45am..
yeah im going to school for just 45minutes..
absolute nonsense..
but im not too worried about this test though..
30MCQ and its pretty much all the stuff i did in JC..

my endorphines are gone.
kinda sad now..
heh.
but i suppose i was just..
hoping too much..
(typical me i guess)
not sure when the next dose will come..
or if it'll even come at all..
shucks.
in the end its still my fault.
tsk.

Je deteste le francais.

had my french oral test today.
and i got the worst and most difficult question of them all.
everyone alse got something like describe your family or this person.
they could just easily make up some wacky facts and half-truths that the very limited vocab we have learnt so far would more than adequately allow to happen.
guess what question i got?
present a dialogue of a job interview in french.
Right. How in the world am i supposed to conduct a job interview in french?

i seriously screwed up.
i started with my name is so and so and the manager asking whats my age.
from there on i just kept rattling on about what i like to do.
bah.
until the point where i looked at my tutor and said (in english), "i really dont know what else to say..."
he was nice about it though..
he took my draft (messy as it is) and commented "tres bien" and proceded to ask me questions..
i was so nervous i spouted out crap.
like how i have a 28 year old sister who is a lecturer at NTU who teaches statistics.
dont ask me where i got that from.
haha.
oh yeah and i told him "je joue la guitare."
which at the moment is a lie. but i hope it'll be a truth soon.

soci test tmr. french test on wed. econs test on fri.
bah.
but im still running on endorphines.
natural happiness drug.
heh.
its amazing that its still going.
keeping me sane.
making me smile.
grin.
laugh.

im just hoping it'll keep me going till the next dose.
(: