Divine consultation...

Dear God,
Just a little question.

You knew all this would happen.
You knew how i would react to everything.
You knew i would be sent on yet another emotional rollar-coaster.
You knew things wouldnt just end there and then.

So why do You have to put me through it all?

one night. so many emotions.

i had an absolute blast tonight, except for one small wee part which i will talk more about later.

i was really worrying about the bbq that i organized.

i was afraid there would not be enough people to finish all the food my mum bought.
i was afraid the company would clash - my PL friends, jeremy mark miguel, YFers and Joel.
i was afraid i wouldnt be good enough a hostess to all of them.

BUT

there was still leftovers but not as much as i expected.
the company didnt exactly clash nor did they mix but it wasnt too bad.
i entertained joel for the short time he was around, the girls entertained themselves, the YFers busied themselves with the cooking and jeremy mark and miguel entertained themselves.
i was quite a good hostess i guess. i was really running around - from the pit to the house, from the house to the pit, from the pit to the sidegate, from the sidegate to the pit.

had a fantastic time just catching up with the PL girls.
Andrea, Pei 'e, Tingjun, Jiaxin, Huiqian, Jessica, Pei Hoon, Gina.
Just gossiping about the idiosyncrasies of our teachers and hilarious reaccounts with certain individuals whose names i will not disclose for security reasons. haha.
All the laughter and chatter really made me wish i was back in secondary school again.
It was a time where things were much simpler and life has lesser worries.
A time when Pei 'e still stayed in hougang. haha.
But its still ok girl. i still love you as much. hehe.

I did feel this rather cheerless point during the night though.
And i think Andrea noticed it and knew what it was.
Seeing him again was really great but yet i wish i didnt invite him.
I realise that i never really got over him.
Its been almost 6 months but yet when i talk to him its just as comfortable and nice.
And he's still as sweet as he was before.

The fact that he came just for a while also didnt help.
Why did he even bother coming when he had a squash game with his dad and i did tell him that no one else was coming cause they didnt reply my email?
Why did he choose to linger on even when he said he had better go?
Why come all the way back when he made a wrong turn and was already on the highway?
Why did he have to come at all?

Given the ideal situation and chance who would i choose?

in my heart i think i know the answer.
but in my mind i have another answer.

Do i even have the right to choose?

Why is it that what we really desire we never can grasp?

Don't just exist, Live!

Don't just exist, Live!

More to this life

Sometimes i wonder what is life all about,
Full of heartbreak, restlessness and doubt.
Sometimes i feel so tired, i feel like giving up,
What am i striving for, is it worth it all?

Is there more to life than this, more than to simply just exist.
Is there more, is there more?

Can it be that Jesus died for me?
To wash away my sins and set me free?
And by his blood eternal life is now for me,
To know him, my Saviour and my King.

And now i know what life was meant to be,
For i know Jesus paid the price for me.
His dying has given my life new meaning.
Now i live because i live for Him,
Now i live simply just for Him.

Camp ended on Christmas eve and i had a wonderful time.
The scripture union campsite provided not only a comfortable sleeping environment (aircon, bed, pillow) but also delicious home-cooked food as well.
But more than just the physical amenities, what made the camp memorable was it being evangelistic in nature.
During the last night's sharing, what really warmed my heart was the sharing by the non-christians.
Although those who shared did not pray to receive Christ during the camp, their sharing was of the special fellowship they had with the YFers as well as, more importantly, an increase in knowledge and noteworthy interest in the meaning of life from a christian perspective.
The YFers who shared also touched me deeply as they spoke of their changed life after their acceptance of Christ and experiences whereby God pulled them out of the deep waters.

Personally, i learnt much from Chien Chong's messages.
Although evangelistic in nature, his messages were full of reminders for me own life.
The most important was that Jesus Christ is the best role model as a leader, possessing the three greatest traits of a leader: to Direct, Teach and Represent your people.
Something i hope to apply as i continue to seek, serve and follow Christ in the Girls' Brigade.

Everything about the camp was good because God provided and God is good!
Well.
All except the really ugly cut/wound/abrasion on my left leg which is gonna leave a hideous scar.
Phooey.
But God is good. The abrasion is only a superficial surface scratch. Ginormous but nonetheless not serious.

Anyway, photos are up!
Check out the links on the right hand side ok?
Definitely a lot more to come as i go insanely trigger-happy with my beautiful Sony W1.
:)

n i n e t e e n

happy birthday to the little one...

thanks to (in order of appearance) mum, dad, my cousins, my nieces, Joey, Denise, Valene, Charlotte, Ava, Joel, Michele, Zhonghan, Jim, Lindy, Ethel and Gina for their birthday greetings!

thanks to mum and dad for my mini shopping spree at nike women,
thanks to my cousins for the stussy tshirt and bracelet and delicious yam cake,
thanks to Pei 'E and Ting Jun for the really really really pretty chomel bracelet (which is too big! but im still gonna wear it. i love it to bits)
thanks to Joel for my birthday lunch at crystal jade which unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances on my part, (HUGE sigh) never happened,
thanks to my brother who will be giving me my present when he comes back from his crescendo exercise in thailand (and everything better not be fake),
and thanks to Jim and Amanda for the birthday lunch that will happen on sunday afternoon.

Most of all, thanks to GOD
Who created me and knew me even before i was formed in my mother's womb.
Who has been with me every single step i have taken the past 19 years.
Who will continue without fail to guide me and be my source of strength and wisdom till the day i see Him in heaven.

i think i did it again...

sigh...

i know i do stupid things but this has to be the stupidest so far.

hopefully i havent jeopardized the situation.

argh.

when will i get to see you again?

God is good!

His mercies are new every morning...

Im back home, alive and well, only because of HIS grace to me.

I was suffering from gastric flu the whole trip.
Dad had food poisioning on monday night.
But we both recovered sufficiently enough to get through the journey back home.
Especially my dad as he was the driver.

Thank You God.

Break.

im need this hiatus...

hey everyone, i'll be leaving for malaysia tmr.
Will be back on the 15th.
Im still contactable by hp all thanks to singtel's pay-per-use auto-roaming service.
but dont expect a reply by sms though.
heh.
cause u dont pay for sending me an sms but i pay a hefty 50¢ for each one.

Im grateful im leaving tmr.
i really really have to get away before i start to go insane.
i read through the archives of my blog and wow wee its been almost 5months.
im honestly sick of it but i just cant let it go.
argh.
the kind of torture i put myself through.

too much has happened.
too much has been done.
too much has been said.

why.
why have u played such a sick joke on me.
why of all the people in the world have you picked me as your victim.
why.

dont expect anything else from me.
i've done my part.
i've shown you enough.

your obscurity is..is..is is is..painful and disgusting.

i h...ha....hat.....
dammit. i cant say it.
because i dont.

The week is heading in the right direction..

i actually have things to do..

ok my week is definitely getting better, as compared to the dull and lull period of last week.

Sunday - BBQ, food was excellent, dessert was amazing.
Monday - Dinner with my neighbour, tons of laughs and gd food by my mum.
Tuesday - I never knew my mum was such a shopaholic as me. haha.
Wednesday - Ive got little kiddies from my mum's pre-nursery class coming over!
Thursday - Lunch with Charlotte and Amanda. Been ages since i had BK.
Friday - Finally im gonna get my digital camera :)
Saturday - Leaving for Malaysia, KL to shop and Malacca to play.

Hmm. But there's smthg bugging me.
Ive been feeling, or perhaps made to feel like the boy who cried wolf.
Maybe i asked for it.
But now it seems like ive been labelled it.
I suppose i only have myself to blame for the severe disruption of trust.
But am i really at fault? Why do i feel this guilty? Why do i have to keep explaining myself?
Bah Bah Bah.
Bleat bleat bleat.
Why cant i be seen as the sheep instead?
Maybe not the white but perhaps the black sheep.
Having lied, (havent we all?) but yet still a sheep.
Sigh.
Ok i shant let this ruin my whole week.

But i know i wont be able to let it go.
I cant just let it rest.
Its too important to me.

Cogito ergo sum

I think therefore i am.

For the uninitiated, the above is not some egocentric self-elavating statement Descartes proclaimed to make himself feel smart.
Rather it was made in relation to him pondering about his very existence on earth.
He rationalised and came to the conclusion that because he is aware that he is in fact thinking, thus he knows and is certain that he exists.

Two days ago i came across a blog entry that was dated almost a year ago.
And interestingly, i was featured in it.
Quite a substantial portion i should say.
In the entry, the writer described almost perfectly what i was feeling during the event that he was blogging specifically about.

But what really struck me was the fact that during that event i did feel "alone" in terms of how internally i was struggling to react to the situation i was in.
Never could i have imagined that someone else was feeling almost exactly the same way as me that very day, night, event, place, room.
All along i thought i was the only one struggling with my existence as a Christian in the context of where i was, well, to put it in a politically correct term, being educated.
Now i know that there was another who was under the same internal pressure as i gave myself.

I came to read a book my dad borrowed from the church library.
"Philosophy and the Christian faith".
Then i came across Descartes' famous statement.

It got me thinking.
Do we really think?
Do we really use our brains and think?
Do we really use our brains and make God-fearing decisions?
Isnt that the purpose of our very existence?

To many, i suppose it is precisely "thinking" that is the bane of our existence.
We have to constantly think of consequences, and outcomes, and others, this probably being the most difficult of them all, well, to some.
And then there's self-centered thinking.
ME ME ME.

How much more conflicting thoughts does a Christian face.
"And all the while Kathleen stood by one side, still and cross-armed. I wouldn’t want to say, or comment, anything about her; it won’t be nice deliberately singling someone out. Because I know in part how she feels, and I, deep inside, while struggling to present itself against all the wild moods surging out, feel the same way. A Christian against the World. A ferocious onslaught at my, and perhaps her senses too."

"My mind, numbed and dulled, continues to breathe and relieve itself slowly, though it’s only been 2 hours since I left. The supposed shock, the revulsion of disgust, the guilt of being at the peak of the fulfilling of lustful desires, hasn’t passed through me, hasn’t taken me by the throat as it had previously did with every ounce of temptation. I have conformed. For the worse, and like Kathleen, my lingering self on this same night will become a ghost as I struggle to be a Christian God wants me to be."

God sent this as a timely reminder for me.
As i reflect i want to just fall on my knees is tears and beg for forgiveness.
Too many things i have done and said that i regret.
The way i have lived my life, have been displeasing to God and hasnt been even barely satisfactory to my parents, friends.

As i learn and pursue a life of holiness, i hold one thought firm and strong.
My existence on earth is crystal clear to me.
Im on earth to bring praise and glory to my Maker.
The one who is the very reason for my existence.

And i pray my thoughts will be pure.
And i pray my existence will not be in vain.

The holidays are just dragging on...

bored stiff.

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That
you belong with me

You might think
I don't look
But deep inside
in the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you

I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my
heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this
line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to
try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

"True" - Ryan Cabrera

ok the lyrics are for fun.
no hidden agenda or ulterior intentions behind them.
i just like the song. a lot. heh. and ryan cabrera is cute.

anyway back to the purpose of this blog entry.
yes im bored.
im a bored bored bored kat.
it doesnt help that ive been left alone at home for the past three days.
maggie mee for lunch everyday is not gd for the tummy and it starts to taste really awful.
and ive run out of variations to eat the damn stringy wax covered noodles.

but at least, all thanks to my bro, my laptop is up and running again.
so i can chat till the wee hours and not disturb anyone.
except of course the occasional times when i turn up my songs just a lil too loud.
sorry mum and dad. heh.

ok so ive got through pretty much five days of absolute boredom.
im still hoping the holidays will get better.
at least i have a few activities to look forward to:

1. bbq this sunday
2. shopping with my cousin and mum
3. shopping trip to KL and malacca with my cousins
4. youth camp at sentosa
5. Christmas! (and all the prep work that goes along with it)

hmm. but thats pretty much it.
but the holidays are a month long.
and i dont start school till the 6th of jan.
phooey.
someone, anyone, date me out?

It's just gonna be one of those days...

yet i know that God is still good to me...no matter how hard it is to believe that...

first i lost my handphone within a month of getting it.
now its my laptop.
got some stupid virus from..ok i shant name the person..
and now when i click log in user it automatically logs me off.
its friggin pissifying.
all my mp3s, all my documents, all my photos.
Dammit dammit dammit.

but thank God the semester is over so all my work is completely redundant.
and thank God my brother will be back tomorrow who will hopefully help me to fix my lappie.

sigh.
this is the worst way of starting the holidays.
im hoping it'll get better.