one night. so many emotions.

i had an absolute blast tonight, except for one small wee part which i will talk more about later.

i was really worrying about the bbq that i organized.

i was afraid there would not be enough people to finish all the food my mum bought.
i was afraid the company would clash - my PL friends, jeremy mark miguel, YFers and Joel.
i was afraid i wouldnt be good enough a hostess to all of them.

BUT

there was still leftovers but not as much as i expected.
the company didnt exactly clash nor did they mix but it wasnt too bad.
i entertained joel for the short time he was around, the girls entertained themselves, the YFers busied themselves with the cooking and jeremy mark and miguel entertained themselves.
i was quite a good hostess i guess. i was really running around - from the pit to the house, from the house to the pit, from the pit to the sidegate, from the sidegate to the pit.

had a fantastic time just catching up with the PL girls.
Andrea, Pei 'e, Tingjun, Jiaxin, Huiqian, Jessica, Pei Hoon, Gina.
Just gossiping about the idiosyncrasies of our teachers and hilarious reaccounts with certain individuals whose names i will not disclose for security reasons. haha.
All the laughter and chatter really made me wish i was back in secondary school again.
It was a time where things were much simpler and life has lesser worries.
A time when Pei 'e still stayed in hougang. haha.
But its still ok girl. i still love you as much. hehe.

I did feel this rather cheerless point during the night though.
And i think Andrea noticed it and knew what it was.
Seeing him again was really great but yet i wish i didnt invite him.
I realise that i never really got over him.
Its been almost 6 months but yet when i talk to him its just as comfortable and nice.
And he's still as sweet as he was before.

The fact that he came just for a while also didnt help.
Why did he even bother coming when he had a squash game with his dad and i did tell him that no one else was coming cause they didnt reply my email?
Why did he choose to linger on even when he said he had better go?
Why come all the way back when he made a wrong turn and was already on the highway?
Why did he have to come at all?

Given the ideal situation and chance who would i choose?

in my heart i think i know the answer.
but in my mind i have another answer.

Do i even have the right to choose?

Why is it that what we really desire we never can grasp?