Cogito ergo sum

I think therefore i am.

For the uninitiated, the above is not some egocentric self-elavating statement Descartes proclaimed to make himself feel smart.
Rather it was made in relation to him pondering about his very existence on earth.
He rationalised and came to the conclusion that because he is aware that he is in fact thinking, thus he knows and is certain that he exists.

Two days ago i came across a blog entry that was dated almost a year ago.
And interestingly, i was featured in it.
Quite a substantial portion i should say.
In the entry, the writer described almost perfectly what i was feeling during the event that he was blogging specifically about.

But what really struck me was the fact that during that event i did feel "alone" in terms of how internally i was struggling to react to the situation i was in.
Never could i have imagined that someone else was feeling almost exactly the same way as me that very day, night, event, place, room.
All along i thought i was the only one struggling with my existence as a Christian in the context of where i was, well, to put it in a politically correct term, being educated.
Now i know that there was another who was under the same internal pressure as i gave myself.

I came to read a book my dad borrowed from the church library.
"Philosophy and the Christian faith".
Then i came across Descartes' famous statement.

It got me thinking.
Do we really think?
Do we really use our brains and think?
Do we really use our brains and make God-fearing decisions?
Isnt that the purpose of our very existence?

To many, i suppose it is precisely "thinking" that is the bane of our existence.
We have to constantly think of consequences, and outcomes, and others, this probably being the most difficult of them all, well, to some.
And then there's self-centered thinking.
ME ME ME.

How much more conflicting thoughts does a Christian face.
"And all the while Kathleen stood by one side, still and cross-armed. I wouldn’t want to say, or comment, anything about her; it won’t be nice deliberately singling someone out. Because I know in part how she feels, and I, deep inside, while struggling to present itself against all the wild moods surging out, feel the same way. A Christian against the World. A ferocious onslaught at my, and perhaps her senses too."

"My mind, numbed and dulled, continues to breathe and relieve itself slowly, though it’s only been 2 hours since I left. The supposed shock, the revulsion of disgust, the guilt of being at the peak of the fulfilling of lustful desires, hasn’t passed through me, hasn’t taken me by the throat as it had previously did with every ounce of temptation. I have conformed. For the worse, and like Kathleen, my lingering self on this same night will become a ghost as I struggle to be a Christian God wants me to be."

God sent this as a timely reminder for me.
As i reflect i want to just fall on my knees is tears and beg for forgiveness.
Too many things i have done and said that i regret.
The way i have lived my life, have been displeasing to God and hasnt been even barely satisfactory to my parents, friends.

As i learn and pursue a life of holiness, i hold one thought firm and strong.
My existence on earth is crystal clear to me.
Im on earth to bring praise and glory to my Maker.
The one who is the very reason for my existence.

And i pray my thoughts will be pure.
And i pray my existence will not be in vain.