Divine consultation...

Dear God,
Just a little question.

You knew all this would happen.
You knew how i would react to everything.
You knew i would be sent on yet another emotional rollar-coaster.
You knew things wouldnt just end there and then.

So why do You have to put me through it all?

one night. so many emotions.

i had an absolute blast tonight, except for one small wee part which i will talk more about later.

i was really worrying about the bbq that i organized.

i was afraid there would not be enough people to finish all the food my mum bought.
i was afraid the company would clash - my PL friends, jeremy mark miguel, YFers and Joel.
i was afraid i wouldnt be good enough a hostess to all of them.

BUT

there was still leftovers but not as much as i expected.
the company didnt exactly clash nor did they mix but it wasnt too bad.
i entertained joel for the short time he was around, the girls entertained themselves, the YFers busied themselves with the cooking and jeremy mark and miguel entertained themselves.
i was quite a good hostess i guess. i was really running around - from the pit to the house, from the house to the pit, from the pit to the sidegate, from the sidegate to the pit.

had a fantastic time just catching up with the PL girls.
Andrea, Pei 'e, Tingjun, Jiaxin, Huiqian, Jessica, Pei Hoon, Gina.
Just gossiping about the idiosyncrasies of our teachers and hilarious reaccounts with certain individuals whose names i will not disclose for security reasons. haha.
All the laughter and chatter really made me wish i was back in secondary school again.
It was a time where things were much simpler and life has lesser worries.
A time when Pei 'e still stayed in hougang. haha.
But its still ok girl. i still love you as much. hehe.

I did feel this rather cheerless point during the night though.
And i think Andrea noticed it and knew what it was.
Seeing him again was really great but yet i wish i didnt invite him.
I realise that i never really got over him.
Its been almost 6 months but yet when i talk to him its just as comfortable and nice.
And he's still as sweet as he was before.

The fact that he came just for a while also didnt help.
Why did he even bother coming when he had a squash game with his dad and i did tell him that no one else was coming cause they didnt reply my email?
Why did he choose to linger on even when he said he had better go?
Why come all the way back when he made a wrong turn and was already on the highway?
Why did he have to come at all?

Given the ideal situation and chance who would i choose?

in my heart i think i know the answer.
but in my mind i have another answer.

Do i even have the right to choose?

Why is it that what we really desire we never can grasp?

Don't just exist, Live!

Don't just exist, Live!

More to this life

Sometimes i wonder what is life all about,
Full of heartbreak, restlessness and doubt.
Sometimes i feel so tired, i feel like giving up,
What am i striving for, is it worth it all?

Is there more to life than this, more than to simply just exist.
Is there more, is there more?

Can it be that Jesus died for me?
To wash away my sins and set me free?
And by his blood eternal life is now for me,
To know him, my Saviour and my King.

And now i know what life was meant to be,
For i know Jesus paid the price for me.
His dying has given my life new meaning.
Now i live because i live for Him,
Now i live simply just for Him.

Camp ended on Christmas eve and i had a wonderful time.
The scripture union campsite provided not only a comfortable sleeping environment (aircon, bed, pillow) but also delicious home-cooked food as well.
But more than just the physical amenities, what made the camp memorable was it being evangelistic in nature.
During the last night's sharing, what really warmed my heart was the sharing by the non-christians.
Although those who shared did not pray to receive Christ during the camp, their sharing was of the special fellowship they had with the YFers as well as, more importantly, an increase in knowledge and noteworthy interest in the meaning of life from a christian perspective.
The YFers who shared also touched me deeply as they spoke of their changed life after their acceptance of Christ and experiences whereby God pulled them out of the deep waters.

Personally, i learnt much from Chien Chong's messages.
Although evangelistic in nature, his messages were full of reminders for me own life.
The most important was that Jesus Christ is the best role model as a leader, possessing the three greatest traits of a leader: to Direct, Teach and Represent your people.
Something i hope to apply as i continue to seek, serve and follow Christ in the Girls' Brigade.

Everything about the camp was good because God provided and God is good!
Well.
All except the really ugly cut/wound/abrasion on my left leg which is gonna leave a hideous scar.
Phooey.
But God is good. The abrasion is only a superficial surface scratch. Ginormous but nonetheless not serious.

Anyway, photos are up!
Check out the links on the right hand side ok?
Definitely a lot more to come as i go insanely trigger-happy with my beautiful Sony W1.
:)

n i n e t e e n

happy birthday to the little one...

thanks to (in order of appearance) mum, dad, my cousins, my nieces, Joey, Denise, Valene, Charlotte, Ava, Joel, Michele, Zhonghan, Jim, Lindy, Ethel and Gina for their birthday greetings!

thanks to mum and dad for my mini shopping spree at nike women,
thanks to my cousins for the stussy tshirt and bracelet and delicious yam cake,
thanks to Pei 'E and Ting Jun for the really really really pretty chomel bracelet (which is too big! but im still gonna wear it. i love it to bits)
thanks to Joel for my birthday lunch at crystal jade which unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances on my part, (HUGE sigh) never happened,
thanks to my brother who will be giving me my present when he comes back from his crescendo exercise in thailand (and everything better not be fake),
and thanks to Jim and Amanda for the birthday lunch that will happen on sunday afternoon.

Most of all, thanks to GOD
Who created me and knew me even before i was formed in my mother's womb.
Who has been with me every single step i have taken the past 19 years.
Who will continue without fail to guide me and be my source of strength and wisdom till the day i see Him in heaven.

i think i did it again...

sigh...

i know i do stupid things but this has to be the stupidest so far.

hopefully i havent jeopardized the situation.

argh.

when will i get to see you again?

God is good!

His mercies are new every morning...

Im back home, alive and well, only because of HIS grace to me.

I was suffering from gastric flu the whole trip.
Dad had food poisioning on monday night.
But we both recovered sufficiently enough to get through the journey back home.
Especially my dad as he was the driver.

Thank You God.

Break.

im need this hiatus...

hey everyone, i'll be leaving for malaysia tmr.
Will be back on the 15th.
Im still contactable by hp all thanks to singtel's pay-per-use auto-roaming service.
but dont expect a reply by sms though.
heh.
cause u dont pay for sending me an sms but i pay a hefty 50¢ for each one.

Im grateful im leaving tmr.
i really really have to get away before i start to go insane.
i read through the archives of my blog and wow wee its been almost 5months.
im honestly sick of it but i just cant let it go.
argh.
the kind of torture i put myself through.

too much has happened.
too much has been done.
too much has been said.

why.
why have u played such a sick joke on me.
why of all the people in the world have you picked me as your victim.
why.

dont expect anything else from me.
i've done my part.
i've shown you enough.

your obscurity is..is..is is is..painful and disgusting.

i h...ha....hat.....
dammit. i cant say it.
because i dont.

The week is heading in the right direction..

i actually have things to do..

ok my week is definitely getting better, as compared to the dull and lull period of last week.

Sunday - BBQ, food was excellent, dessert was amazing.
Monday - Dinner with my neighbour, tons of laughs and gd food by my mum.
Tuesday - I never knew my mum was such a shopaholic as me. haha.
Wednesday - Ive got little kiddies from my mum's pre-nursery class coming over!
Thursday - Lunch with Charlotte and Amanda. Been ages since i had BK.
Friday - Finally im gonna get my digital camera :)
Saturday - Leaving for Malaysia, KL to shop and Malacca to play.

Hmm. But there's smthg bugging me.
Ive been feeling, or perhaps made to feel like the boy who cried wolf.
Maybe i asked for it.
But now it seems like ive been labelled it.
I suppose i only have myself to blame for the severe disruption of trust.
But am i really at fault? Why do i feel this guilty? Why do i have to keep explaining myself?
Bah Bah Bah.
Bleat bleat bleat.
Why cant i be seen as the sheep instead?
Maybe not the white but perhaps the black sheep.
Having lied, (havent we all?) but yet still a sheep.
Sigh.
Ok i shant let this ruin my whole week.

But i know i wont be able to let it go.
I cant just let it rest.
Its too important to me.

Cogito ergo sum

I think therefore i am.

For the uninitiated, the above is not some egocentric self-elavating statement Descartes proclaimed to make himself feel smart.
Rather it was made in relation to him pondering about his very existence on earth.
He rationalised and came to the conclusion that because he is aware that he is in fact thinking, thus he knows and is certain that he exists.

Two days ago i came across a blog entry that was dated almost a year ago.
And interestingly, i was featured in it.
Quite a substantial portion i should say.
In the entry, the writer described almost perfectly what i was feeling during the event that he was blogging specifically about.

But what really struck me was the fact that during that event i did feel "alone" in terms of how internally i was struggling to react to the situation i was in.
Never could i have imagined that someone else was feeling almost exactly the same way as me that very day, night, event, place, room.
All along i thought i was the only one struggling with my existence as a Christian in the context of where i was, well, to put it in a politically correct term, being educated.
Now i know that there was another who was under the same internal pressure as i gave myself.

I came to read a book my dad borrowed from the church library.
"Philosophy and the Christian faith".
Then i came across Descartes' famous statement.

It got me thinking.
Do we really think?
Do we really use our brains and think?
Do we really use our brains and make God-fearing decisions?
Isnt that the purpose of our very existence?

To many, i suppose it is precisely "thinking" that is the bane of our existence.
We have to constantly think of consequences, and outcomes, and others, this probably being the most difficult of them all, well, to some.
And then there's self-centered thinking.
ME ME ME.

How much more conflicting thoughts does a Christian face.
"And all the while Kathleen stood by one side, still and cross-armed. I wouldn’t want to say, or comment, anything about her; it won’t be nice deliberately singling someone out. Because I know in part how she feels, and I, deep inside, while struggling to present itself against all the wild moods surging out, feel the same way. A Christian against the World. A ferocious onslaught at my, and perhaps her senses too."

"My mind, numbed and dulled, continues to breathe and relieve itself slowly, though it’s only been 2 hours since I left. The supposed shock, the revulsion of disgust, the guilt of being at the peak of the fulfilling of lustful desires, hasn’t passed through me, hasn’t taken me by the throat as it had previously did with every ounce of temptation. I have conformed. For the worse, and like Kathleen, my lingering self on this same night will become a ghost as I struggle to be a Christian God wants me to be."

God sent this as a timely reminder for me.
As i reflect i want to just fall on my knees is tears and beg for forgiveness.
Too many things i have done and said that i regret.
The way i have lived my life, have been displeasing to God and hasnt been even barely satisfactory to my parents, friends.

As i learn and pursue a life of holiness, i hold one thought firm and strong.
My existence on earth is crystal clear to me.
Im on earth to bring praise and glory to my Maker.
The one who is the very reason for my existence.

And i pray my thoughts will be pure.
And i pray my existence will not be in vain.

The holidays are just dragging on...

bored stiff.

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That
you belong with me

You might think
I don't look
But deep inside
in the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you

I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my
heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this
line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to
try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

"True" - Ryan Cabrera

ok the lyrics are for fun.
no hidden agenda or ulterior intentions behind them.
i just like the song. a lot. heh. and ryan cabrera is cute.

anyway back to the purpose of this blog entry.
yes im bored.
im a bored bored bored kat.
it doesnt help that ive been left alone at home for the past three days.
maggie mee for lunch everyday is not gd for the tummy and it starts to taste really awful.
and ive run out of variations to eat the damn stringy wax covered noodles.

but at least, all thanks to my bro, my laptop is up and running again.
so i can chat till the wee hours and not disturb anyone.
except of course the occasional times when i turn up my songs just a lil too loud.
sorry mum and dad. heh.

ok so ive got through pretty much five days of absolute boredom.
im still hoping the holidays will get better.
at least i have a few activities to look forward to:

1. bbq this sunday
2. shopping with my cousin and mum
3. shopping trip to KL and malacca with my cousins
4. youth camp at sentosa
5. Christmas! (and all the prep work that goes along with it)

hmm. but thats pretty much it.
but the holidays are a month long.
and i dont start school till the 6th of jan.
phooey.
someone, anyone, date me out?

It's just gonna be one of those days...

yet i know that God is still good to me...no matter how hard it is to believe that...

first i lost my handphone within a month of getting it.
now its my laptop.
got some stupid virus from..ok i shant name the person..
and now when i click log in user it automatically logs me off.
its friggin pissifying.
all my mp3s, all my documents, all my photos.
Dammit dammit dammit.

but thank God the semester is over so all my work is completely redundant.
and thank God my brother will be back tomorrow who will hopefully help me to fix my lappie.

sigh.
this is the worst way of starting the holidays.
im hoping it'll get better.

God is good!

no doubt about that..not even a single bit..

I cant think of a better way to present this post then with my thanksgiving!

First of all, God has brought me through the camp!
Remember my previous post about all my prayer requests and worries?
God answered all my prayers!
He provided me with opportunities to study, good health during and after the camp, a sincere and patient heart as i interacted as well as disciplined the sec ones and a laughter-filled time of working with michele and my juniors.
But most importantly, through it all, i realised and was reminded of how much i need to depend on God fully wholly completely entirely totally in every aspect of my life.
On top of all my answered prayers, He gave me more in the form of the opportunity to go home on sat (going back on sunday) which provided me with the much needed sleep (a good one!) at home.

Secondly, God has brought me through the exams!
With each different paper, God never failed not only to carry me through but also taught me various lessons in the process:

1. Singapore Studies - I was a whole buncha nerves because i had barely studied enough, much less read through the entire textbook. to top it off i was exhausted from the camp. but God was merciful. The questions were managable (heritage tour! thanks mish!) and he sustained me physically.
2. Literature - I honestly was over-confident for this paper. Choosing to believe it required minimal preparation, i was utterly caught off guard. the paper was a disaster. But i was really humbled by God. It taught me a lesson, though difficult and painful.
3. Philosophy and Jap Studies - Philo paper was a long drawn process of answering 21 mind-boggling questions but once again God was gracious and i survived. hehe. Jap studies on the other hand? Again i was caught off-guard, my second lesson from God due to a lack of preparation.
4. South East Asian Studies - The same really nerve-wrecking feeling that i had during the As (for the same paper) overcame me when mish, gina and me were leaving habourfrnt mac for school. i was so tired physically and mentally. and i felt all that i studied was inadequate and derisory. But God came through for me. The topics i focused on came out and i finished my paper on time despite my tiredness.

Thirdly, God has given me awesome, fantastic, generous, incredible parents!
Knowing that my philo paper started at 9 in the morning, my dad took leave just so i didnt have to drag myself out of bed at an insane time of 530 and endure the 2 hour journey to school and sent me home that day too.
On thursday despite the last minute notification, mum and dad still came to pick me up which i am so grateful for because i was really drained.
Gina and Mish also benefitted as my dad picked them up and sent them home on those two days too!

Fourthly, God has brought me through my emotional rollar-coaster!
This has to be the only type of rollar-coaster that i wouldnt want to sit. Haha.
ok on a more serious note, i was really affected by it.
And it was a really really long period of time lasting a whole 3 and a half months.
But now as i think about it, i understand why He had to allow me to go through it.
These 3 months taught me that i really need to leave everything to God and to seek Him with all, not just a little part or a majority part, of my heart.
It all happened because God was brushed aside oh so conveniently as my heart was being preoccupied.
Things are ok now and dare i say going pretty well.
Heh. Though i really dont want to speculate or do anything without FIRST seeking GOD and leaving EVERYTHING to Him.
Ohhhhh and God gave me a sweet ending to my exams too! heehee. i think only mish and gina know what im talking about.

Well the holidays are finally here but im pretty booked up with work (selling uniform! hur hur), going to malaysia (KL shopping here i come!), giving tuition to the GB girls and the Evangelistic Camp.
Im not even sure i want to celebrate my birthday. haha. Too much hassle.
Ultimately, I just hope i can use this holiday as productively as i can, productive in terms of God's standards.
:)

A muddle of dread, apprehension and anticipation..

God i need you to be even more real in my life right now..

when was the last time i went for a camp?
probably somewhere in july for vcf camp..but that doesnt count..
because it was a camp where i wasnt involved in any aspect of running the camp and i didnt have exams the next day after camp ended..

tomorrow is the start of the GB Sec 1 training camp and honestly im having a lot of mixed feelings towards it..
the whole week ive been entertaining conflicting thoughts about it..

anxiety vs coolness
nervousness vs excitment
uncertainty vs confidence

im worried over how the camp will be for me..
will i be able to assimilate with the teachers?
will i be able to work well with my counterparts?
will i be able to connect with the girls?
maybe im more worried about their attitude and reactions towards me.
and all the inconveniences of being away from home..aircon. ha. just kidding.

but more importantly, please pray for not just me but michele too:

1. discipline to study during the camp - (exams are starting on monday and we're breaking camp on sunday night at around 10pm..any volunteers to send me home? sms me pleaseeeeeeeeee)
2. good health throughout and after the camp (lack of sleep will be an absolute positive)
3. wisdom, humility and patience as we guide and interact with the sec 1s (sometimes its easy to deem them as just being irritating kids, we need self-reflection and the attitude that we can learn from them too!)
4. meekness as we work with others and each other (especially when each party is so different in terms of thoughts, attitudes and age)
5. utter dependence on God (something i personally need to learn and re-learn all the time, hope the camp will teach me this attitude especially with all my fearfulness and fretfulness)

God im anxious and afraid..but Lord help me to know and remember that You are always beside me no matter where i am and whatever im doing..You alone are almighty, powerful and great..And if my God is for me then who can be against me? Amen. :)

I love my brother!

and no im not being sarcastic..

haha..
just a quick post before i immerse myself in the literary wonders (at least some i consider wonders, others are just a pain to read and a whole load of rubbish ) of Pradmoedya, Ionesco, Stoppard, Lessing, Gunn and Thumboo..

Had a pretty long chat with my bro over msn last night..
haha..yes over msn though we're in the same country, same estate, same condo, same floor, same house just different room..
and yeah..
even though our relationship has been on a decline since he went to the army..
i still love him as much as before..
i may seem to always be at loggerheads with him when he comes home but i suppose thats just part of a healthy brother-sister relationship aint it?
heehee..
i love ya bro..
and im here to help you snag that girl!
:)

I love my parents too.
and my friends.
really i do.
and sometimes we just need stupid things to happen to make us realise how important they are and mean to us.
i learnt it perhaps the hard way.
but im glad i did.
:)

most of all, i love GOD.
i love HIM for giving me all these wonderful things for me to love.

Jesus, Saviour, Wonderful Redeemer You are Holy, Holy, I worship You, I'll praise Your name so great..

God, grant me wisdom, strength and humility..

to embrace, accept, and acknowledge all that has happened..

first and foremost,
exam starts this coming monday.
today is tuesday.
so technically i have 5 more days to study.
right?
wrong.
GB camp on friday to sunday.

before you start screaming at me "has insanity overcome your lucidity?"
i didnt realise that camp actually ended on monday.
i thought it would be alright since camp would break in the early afternoon on sunday, giving me ample time to get home, bathe, revise and sleep.
but apparantly its gonna end at about 10pm after the campfire.
and GB campsite is all the way at sembawang.

i suppose i could have done the idiotically irresponsible thing of backing out then or now when i found out what i have gotten myself into.
but its a commitment.
i dont join things and then back out when i think i cant handle it or it inconveniences me.
im not even involved in most or the main part of the planning and my presence is obviously unnecessary.
but its a commitment.

secondly,
i think perhpas i care too much about things that dont concern me at all.
but i guess thats the way i am.
i actually get more worried for the person than the person him/herself.
im not in charge but hey i feel like maybe it should be checked out to ensure things go smoothly.
Confidence was displayed but i pushed for it to happen.
Genuine concern was the motivation but i dont blame you for seeing it otherwise right now.

i suppose im morbid enough to cause and create deaths and funerals.
and i appear to have weddings every single saturday.
i wanted to help you with the tour.
i felt you should at least run through it and offered to go with you.
i was prepared to skip church and a gazillion other things i could have done on a sat.
but nope.
i decided to be evil and in the end fabricated a wedding to attend so that i could get away with something i initiated and wanted to help you with.

i know i should be addressing you directly but there is an absence of conversational possibility.
you have taken a lot more than your plate can hold and i am well aware of that.
if you're reading this, know that if u need help, esp with GB stuff, thats what im here for.
I dont expect anything in return. I never did.

Much less do i expect you to believe anything i just said.
But at least i tried.

Congrats in getting hold of your wallet again.

God is good all the time.
All the time God is good.

even when i suffer from allergic reactions.
Amen.

in the midst of darkness Lord, my spirit calls for You...

valuable economic asset

the amount i countribute to the economy is ridiculous..

heehee..
the singapore economy should be grateful for people like me..
i just spent $114 on only two tops today..
one from puma..
one from peace angel which by the way has really really really awsome vintage stuff..
oh and the new revamped tangs is not bad too..
i like the layout and the new concept..
too bad this year their signature big banner bearing a verse isnt up..
*sigh*

so yes.
instead of studying at home,
i spent my sunday shopping at tangs.
and im going to watch charlie's angels now.
too bad i dont believe in luck,
because im gonna need A LOT of it to get through my exams.

subtle brainwashing..

haha..and no its not as bad as the title suggests..

Signs that ive been hanging out with Michele and Gina too often:

1. Im beginning to like GREEN
2. Im beginning to accept colour mis-coordination..
3. I feel like eating Jap food very often in the arts canteen
4. Im starting to appreciate GREY
5. My collection of dangly earrings is increasing at an alarming rate
6. I sleep in buses

haha..but dont get me wrong..im not complaining here..
contrary to that..

i absolutely LOVE the two of them!

haha

its just one of those non-sequitor posts.

enjoy.

:)

Handphone misplaced.
Flurried conduct screams of haste.
Monosyllabic combat.
Spiteful intentional so you never forget.

it's been a pretty interesting day..

though at the expense of mishie moo..heehee..

first interesting tidbit of the day:
note: the first part of this entry is dedicated to the one and only mishie moo moo cow..

let me say that she's one strong girl who doesn't let circumstances affect her as much as it would affect me..haha..

today her beautiful butterfly slipper broke..
the part which she thought she had repaired flawlessly gave way..
the day had barely even started..
from the bus stop all the way to the co-op shop (in hope they would sell slippers there) her attempts at re-connecting the slipper with a safety pin faltered almost seven times..
when we got to the co-op there was no slippers..
and guess what?
they had just ran out of safety pins..
what were the odds of that happenning on that very day when we needed it the most?

the story had a good ending..
though not all that happy cause her slipper is spoilt..(duh~)
heh..
she bought super-glue from the co-op and did a pretty decent job of reapiring her slippers..good enough to last her through out the rest of the day..

but what i really wanna say is that she faced up to the situation and made the best of it..
if i were caught in that dilemma..
honestly i think i would be utterly pissed, whine, get all worked up and frustrated and take a cab home pronto..
i wouldnt have been able to even bring myself to go to class..
i would have hopped on the first cab i saw..
this we both agreed would be my reaction..
haha..
you know me too well mishie moo!

second interesting tidbit?
i saw him in the canteen today..
ahahahhaa..
honestly i couldnt really recognize him..as in i didnt really realise it was him at the fruit juice queue..
i didnt give much thought to it and so i turned around in respond to Michele wanting to sit back there..
haha..
he was like "hey dont walk away!"
so yeah..
for a brief maybe 3 minutes we talked and he was on the run again..off to class..
i think he said something about seeing me after his class but too bad i left school after mishie moo was done with her Jap dory curry bento thingy and my chinese pear juice..
he ended class late at 7 anyway..

but.actually.hmm.
ikindawishineversawhimtoday.
dontaskmewhy.
evenidontknow.

the day ended off well.
reached home in time for singapore idol.
coupled with a sumptous dinner (as always) by my mum.

i am no doubt blessed. :)

Desperation..

How come i dont long after You?

This is the air i breathe..
This is the air i breathe..
Your holy presence..
Living in me..

This is my daily bread..
This is my daily bread..
Your very words..
Spoken through me..

And i, im DESPERATE for You..
And i, im LOST without You..

How many of us can actually say we're desperate for the Lord?
the Webster dictionary defines the word as having lost all hope and being moved by depair..
we indeed have no hope in men or any of the things of this earth..
for everything will fade away..will perish..

but we know all this..
all this bible knowledge that we have been taught since young..
we know it all so well we can rattle on flawlessly..
we can regurgitate every line every phrase every verse..

but being desperate for the Lord?

i definitely lack this spirit of wanting God so much..
the desire to worship Him all through the day..
having the consciousness and actions that show how much i love Him..

I was just packing my stuff and putting my bible back on my shelf..
then it struck me..
how many times do i read, much less open, my bible during the week?
my bible has a spot on my shelf..
it looks neat and tidy..and it fits in perfectly..
but is this what its supposed to be?

its time to do some serious soul-searching..

teach me to live your love,
help me to give your love,
show me your way,
Lord i'll obey,
and live your love..

if what i think is true
then i have every reason to hate you

it was all a friggin waste of time
and dammit
why must everything i type rhyme

Shrouded in confusion..

yes? no? i really dont know..

hey mish..
aren't you glad we decided to stay and not skip the GB outing for mac breakfast?
haha..
i had quite a fun time just hanging out with you, ah sau and the teachers..
slowly im trying to get to know the teachers better and hopefully it works out to be vice versa..
really hope the camp, both, will turn out to be a success..
though its gonna be rather stressful with the exams starting the next day i still have faith we will be able to enjoy and learn much from the camp(s) and of course that we'll be prepared for our papers!

had lunch with Ms Ho, Sharon, Mish and Ah sau at the Junction 8 Crystal Jade..
Too bad that outlet didnt have the big bowl of la mien or my xiao long baos..
but i had the century egg congee, braised hor fun with prawns and scrambled egg, siew mai and the chee cheong fun with char siew inside..
was a really really really good lunch..
not only was the food good but the company was excellent, a hundred upon a hundred! :)

well..
today Ms ho asked me if i wanted to attend BOTC..
honestly i was quite shocked..
i mean..i didnt think she would ask me..
maybe she asked me because she asked michele and Ms Seah was going and i happened to be there..
i immediately said "no" and ms ho, sharon and mish replied in unison "why???"
haha..
then i realised..hmm..i myself have no idea why i wasnt going..
afraid of what?
committment? capability? competency? caliber?

i know i want to serve in GB..
my motive for coming back to GB after so long is clear..
and its to help the devotion committee which seems to be faltering and in dire straits..
because to me devotion is what makes GB different from the girl guides or any other uniform group..

God help me to make the decision..help me to make the choice that would be pleasing in your sight and would help me to use what you have given to me to show and spread Your undescribable love to all around me..

my other "confusion"?
Your Obscurity.

My not so interesting life..

mundane..ordinary..typical..humdrum..plebian..

This week -->

• monday: futile visit to People's Association but had a blast with michele at Kallang mac
• tuesday: absolute tiredness
• wednesday: i dont even wanna recollect the days events..hurhur..too grotesque
• thursday: saw you, told you, you asked me why i didnt say hi, i wonder myself too
• friday: SEA tutorial presentation, gd time with mishie moo at junction 8
• saturday: GB meeting after soooooooo long, unproductive trip to united square, cut my hair
• sunday: i foresee a day of rushing my SEA research paper, jap and lit presentation

Next week -->

• monday: finalize jap presentation (sachio would kill me if he read knew i used "jap")
• tuesday: jap presentation and deadline for SEA research paper
• wednesday: finalize lit presentation
• thursday: lit presentation, rush philo essay
• friday: hand up philo essay
• saturday: GB outing to east coast park! brownies and muffins, should i give some to you?
• sunday: hopefully a *hiatus*

so you see how boring my life is..
everything is like about school..school..schooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool..
deadlines, essays, reports, presentations..
i guess that pretty much summarizes up uni life..
hmm..
and i guess there's still the "you" person to make life..er..a little more interesting?
ha. right. i dont even wanna give you that much credit.
haha..
but life is good cause ive got great friends by my side
:)

the eternal optimist is still going on strong...

Just when you thought nothing could get any worse..

More things come flying right smack in your face..

the past months have been rather trying times for me..

so many issues have i been forced to grapple with..
situations that have nothing to do with me..
situations that directly involve me..
situations that affect no one but me..

so many decisions have i been forced to make..
decisions that bring happiness to someone else..
decisions that bring dolefulness upon myself..
decisions that bring no outcome at all..

some i have been through and have emerged victorious..
some i have been through and have emerged on the losing end..

and there are some that i am still going through..
and there are some that i have yet to fully detach myself from..

But more things have been shoved straight into my face..
On top of the things i have yet to fully resolve..

But
the
eternal
optimist
will
live
on
.

i
hope
and
i
pray
.

The Brick...

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it..

A young and successful executive was
traveling down a neighborhood street,
going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar.

He was watching for kids darting out
from between parked cars
and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, no children appeared.

Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!

He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to
the spot where the brick had been thrown.

The angry driver then jumped out of the car,
grabbed the nearest kid and
pushed him up against a parked car shouting,

"What was that all about and who are you?
Just what the heck are you doing?
That's a new car and that brick you threw is
going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

The young boy was apologetic.
"Please, mister..please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,"
He pleaded.
"I threw the brick because no one else would stop..."

With tears dripping down his face
and off his chin, the youth pointed to a
spot just around a parked car.

"It's my brother," he said.
"He rolled off the curb and fell
out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive,
"Would you please help me get him back into his
wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling
lump in his throat

he hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into
the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the
fresh scrapes and cuts.

A quick look told him everything was going to be okay..
"Thank you and may God bless you,"
the grateful child told the stranger.

Too shook up for words, the man simply watched
the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the
sidewalk toward their home

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar.
The damage was very noticeable,
but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side
door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message

Don't go through life so fast that someone
has to throw a brick at you to get your attention.
God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts.
Sometimes when we don't have time to listen,
He has to throw a brick at us.
It's our choice to listen or not.

God didn't promise days without
pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He
did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears, and light for the way

Pictorial Memories..

Images deeply etched in my heart..

When my computer crashed on me the last time..
I was deliriously devastated and frantically frustrated..
Not because i couldnt use the computer (i had to wait till my bro got back from camp)..
But rather the rancid realisation that i had lost all the photos i took with my digi cam slapped me horrendously hard..

Thankfully, i managed to upload some of my photos..
And yeah..
I was just going through some of them while taking a break from my never-ending south east asia research paper..
so..
thought i'd share some of my favourites with all of you out there..
enjoy! :)


First three months at SRJC..
Michele, Me, Michelle, Felicia, Christina and Sufen (who was taking the photograph)..
Loads and loads of fun there..
Skipping lectures..tolerating "racial prejudice" during econs tutorials..sleeping in the homely library..folding cranes everywhere..flunking just about every test..winning the debate competition..
1A01..
Undoubtedly the best class..


Presenting the Bhangra boys of AD4 performing at suntec city..
Haha..no not all of them are from AD4..
This really reminds of the bhangra craze ACJC experienced all thanks to Jas, Kevin, Shaun and Mike..


Studying session at BK heartland mall..
Desperately trying to cram some obscure (it was only about one month away from the As!) econs concept into the overworked and undersized brain..
I think the cd (of really really bad songs) BK was playing repeated itself five times while i was there..
Thankfully i had my discman with me..


The day i turned 18..
Met at Taka Seoul Garden but ended up at the Glass house Fish and co..
I can still remember how delicious the Banana Chocolate Mousse cake tasted..
The company (needless to say) was incredible..
Love you all my pretty babes..


NUS Freshmen Inaguration Ceremony..
It was also my first day attending O week..
Was the most boring ceremony i have ever attended..
Haha..
But im glad cause id never have the chance to attend it again..at least not as a freshman..heh..
And this one's dedicated to my two fantastic friends Gina and michele..
Ok so this one was from gina's camera..haha..but how could i not include one from NUS?


And finally..
This is my absolute favourite photo..
I wish i never had to let you go..
I will never forget the two years we spent together..
All the laughter, fun, pain and tears we shared..
I only have you to thank..
Thank you..

Its not the amount of time spent that matters..

but its really the company..

Finally after so so so so so so so so so so long i got to meet up with Pei 'e again!
She came over to my place to see the new house..
Haha..can u imagine the last time she came the house was still completely bare..
Gosh..now that was really quite some time ago..

Though it was only for a few short hours, I had a great time with her..
She's been and still is one of my really good friends..
Despite not seeing each other for such a long period of time, much less talking and all,
We had absolutely no problem in just talking and talking and talking and gossiping and talking..
Haha..
Everything just came up..from me asking her about her bf (which i personally do not exactly like) to teachers and studying overseas and even giving birth..haha..which details i shall not disclose for some might be eating while reading my blog entry..

Thanks girl..i really hope that you wont move too far away from hougang..as it is we're so near yet we hardly get the chance to meet up!
Do take care and please please please keep in touch alrighty?
If you do go overseas to further your studies (which i selfishly hope you dont..) u MUST tell me ok?
Have fun on your trip to bangkok!
Love ya!

on a little sidenote,
i really have no idea what to say to you.
i really have no idea how to treat you.
i really have no idea how i should feel towards you.
i really have no idea whether i should be hopeful.

But why do i care?
YOU screwed everything up.

Maybe i should just forget you.
The illusive YOU.

Trouble trouble everywhere..

but remember that HE does care..

GOD is not our escape from trouble;
Neither is HE our shield against trouble.
Rather, HE is an ever present help in times of trouble.
GOD does not "trouble proof" HIS children;
Instead, HE proves HIMSELF when we face trouble.

AMEN! :)

my little wishlist..

now all i need is a genie who grants more than 3 wishes..

in the midst of all the essays and readings and basically the state of being busy i have managed to have quite a few different ideas of what i wanna do and where i wanna go pop up in my mind, battling for space among all the facts and unidentifiable words.

so here it is.
before i forget some.
ha.

- go to the zoo to see the white tigers
- go to the night safari
- go to my favourite spot at east coast park
- go to geylang for supper: frog leg porridge and tau huay
- go to wala wala to engage in the jazz atmosphere and for the drink michele owes me
- go to brewerks to try the strawberry beer
- go to the esplanade to watch a play/musical/anything
- go to ikea to eat sweedish meatballs and buy my kiddie hangers
- go to queensway to indulge in nike dri-fit tops and 90¢ earrings

anyone wants to volunteer to drive me around?
anyone wants to sponsor my activities?

haha.

Just Kidding.

my ears still hurt. phooey. its very very very (did i mention very?) annoying.

i am not a happy kat..

but yet i still have the J-O-Y in my little heart..

- my msn is still screwing up on me

- both my ears are blocked and im getting extremely annoyed

- my bank account is close to zilch

- school work is piling up

- YOU

You want to have ALL your cake and eat it.
You were just manipulating words last night.
You have succeeded in confusing me even more than before.
You amazingly managed to piss me off quite badly.

Do you even know what you want?

I am so lost i cant even cry.
I dont even know how or what to feel.
I have no idea what emotions to embrace.
I am suffering from numbness of reaction.

I wish i could make you disappear.
I wish i could tell you to leave me alone.
I wish i could reverse time.
I wish i had never met you.

I wish i could wish all these wishes.

But i know i cant bring myself to wish all these..

I'm losing sight of YOU..

Father hold me close and never let me go for I stray so easily...

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that thou art;
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

Be thou my Wisdom, and thou my true Word;
I ever with thee and thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, and I thy true son,
Thou in me dwelling, and I with thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise;
Thou mine inheritance, now and always;
Thou and thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my treasure thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

stupid blogger..

look what it did to my layout..

and i cant fix it..
i mean..
hello..
do i look like some IT g33k..
haha..
no offence there..
but yes..
help..
its making my blog look ugly..
as if the skin isnt plain enough..
phooey..

Call me..Beep me..If you wanna reach me..

(title stolen from Disney channel's Kim Possible)

As the title suggests..
I have been reconnected to the world again..
Haha..
I got myself a new handphone..
Which means im utterly broke..
The tiny little device has set me back 298buggers..
Sigh..
But i suppose its worth it..
I love my new handphone..
Its the Samsung S600..
The one that looks like my previous handphone..
But this one comes with a camera..

So yes..
Im once again contactable..
:)



and im still hoping you would sms me..
someone shoot me for being such a sucker..
but i cant help it..
i feel so.............................
argh.

Rendered speechless...

......................................................................

Me: Hello
(20 minutes later)
A: okay...there is positively NO response
A: i feel so WANTED heh
A: take care babe
A: im off to bed

My first thought was "wtf".
Never in my entire life (so far at least) have i come across someone with such a massive and gargantuan ego.
Your ego must be even more ginormous than a zillion of JLo's butt put together.
I am so absolutely appalled, horrified and digusted.

Perhaps by some freak chance i may be interpreting it wrongly.
But i highly doubt.
Too bad you wont get a chance to defend youself.
Too bad you wont get to read this post.
HA.

You sicken, repulse and nauseate me.

Someone slap me for saying hello.
Then again.
Someone slap you.

I wish i had the gift..

But im still just me..

If I had the gift of writing..I'd write you a new song everyday..
If I had the gift of singing..I'd sing to you all i want to say..
If I had the gift of drawing..I'd draw you everytime i hold a pen..
If I had the gift of dancing..I'd dance for you up till the end..

But I'm not someone who writes or sings..
Or have any of those amazing things..
I'm just a simple person who knows how to smile..
And hopefully you too will, in a while..

Handphone update ::
Four days without a handphone..
But I'm doing very well these few days..
Guess i dont really need a handphone..
Maybe im already out of the craze..

Thank You..

I'm always surrounded by people who love and care for little me..

Last night and this morning just made me realise how blessed i am..
All too often we take the people around us for granted..
Especially those who are constantly by our side..
And even those whom we have hurt badly..
They all, truely by God's grace and mercy, appear at the right place and the right time..
Thank You.

Edwin :: Thanks for coming over last night..though it was just for a while it was really nice just standing outside talking to you..let's have coffee one day yeah? I'll bake too! and hopefully it'll be windy..haha..i think its just you..thanks for also helping me to realise that its just not worth it..sometimes i just need someone to force me to wake up and accept reality..

Miguel :: Though i highly doubt u'd get to read this..but thanks so much for spending almost two hours talking to me last night even though u were playing your game and talking to 3 other people..thanks for humouring me when you found out i couldnt get to sleep..and thanks for agreeing to be my aunt agony! haha :)

Mishie moo moo cow :: Thanks for having that late night/early morning conversation with me..through it i found out quite a bit about myself..like how i do have some evilness in my blood..haha..and how i would probby get myself into trouble due to my inclination to say yes to everything..haha..thats why i need you to take care of me! im looking forward to more supper sessions!

To everyone else :: Just because i dont specifically put your name down doesnt mean you're not appreciated..i thank God for the presence of each and everyone of you in my life..i pray i would be able to be the good friend back to you as you are to me..take care everyone :)

footnotes ::
- i still dont have a hp..its already the 3rd day..phooey.
- i just spent a bomb on HP printer ink..argh..anyone knows where i can get cheap ones?
- eggs are back! which means the brownie/muffin/everything sweet factory will resume production hopefully soon!
- ive fallen in love..with a Tag Heuer Link Series pink diamond ladies watch..*kat gushes*

Its Already Day Two..

Let's see how long i can last..

haha..im actually quite serious about this whole experiment..
the "How Long A Typical Singaporean Teenager Can Last Without A Hand Phone" experiment..

Honestly i think i'll do quite well..
The first day went a lot better than i expected..
Maybe its because no one actually smses me and i dont exactly need to sms anyone..
'Cept if i need to know if Gina is going to be late..haha..
Other than that..
Its actually kinda nice not to be contactable..
You're quite assured of a day to yourself..
No one bugging you no one disturbing you no one asking you for favours and what not..

But ok so i cheated a little bit..
I went to dig up my old nokia 8210 but that was just because i needed to get the hp number of jim..
It was also the stupidest thing i did yesterday..
Because i fell into the trap of smsing you..
That just made my whole day feel pretty crappy i must admit..
Because you messaged me first on msn..
And then u become indifferent to me all over again..
Phooey..

Oh well..
Right now i just wanna enjoy my detachment period..

I'm going on a emotional and mental holiday..

*HIATUS*