running on endorphines

goodmorningworld.

goodnightworld.

up close and personal

for all the conveniences that msn provides, i still prefer talking face-to-face.
its more real.
u dont have time to think of what to say, much less backspace your words.
u see the person, u hear the person.
at least a phone call is so much better than "speaking" to my lappy's screen.

thanks for calling jy..
though at the most inapt timing..
haha..
i thought it was one of my grp members or smthg..
and when i realised it was you i really really really thought you wanted me to do smthg for you..
haha..
sorry! really. honestly. sincerely.
thanks for calling though..
it helped to make my dull and long and dreadful night so much brighter better and er busier..
haha..
but yeah good to see you're doing alright over there
(:

oh yar and you cant tell if something is cooked because "it smells cooked".
(:

the Cheshire kat...

even though you were an hour late i still had fun.
and thanks for dinner.
and thanks for sending me home.
HA.
its the least you could do.
and you're not forgiven...yet.
hur hur.

thanks michele for wasting i mean er spending time with me today..
heh..
i had fun shopping with you today!
u go girl!
haha.
and i think i want that white shirt from fox.
heehee.
i love my flower bracelet
(:

Most of all..
thank you GOD.
thank you Father for allowing me to let go.
for allowing me to just give up all to you.
all the hurt, pain, anxiety and uncertainty.
and to enjoy what you've given me.
friendships - all the laughter and fun that comes with it.
Father what would i do without you in my life?
(:

bear with me.
this skin will have to do until i find another one.
eeyore's pinkishness was getting a lil on my nerves.
heh.

ohmigoshicannotbelievethatyousaidanddidthat.

hahahahahahahahahahhaa.
i really really didnt expect you to do such a stupid thing.
you're like some childish secondary school kid.
gosh.
you've really changed my perspective of you.
HA.

anyway thanks mig for dinner and the tshirt.
really like it a lot.
help me fix up my guitar yeah?
please please please please please.
please?
oh hey! we forgot to take a photo. 3 cameras and we completely forgot. shucks.

heh.
and these photos are for you junyuan..
we went back to eat icecream at the same place..
no ben and jerrys this time though..
decided to save money before edwin starts nagging at me again..
haha..
saving up for the trip down under too...
(:

Ed and his icecream...



Kat and her icecream...


Ed's icecream...



Kat's icecream...



and finally ed and his icecream again..


and hey..why did u have to lie to me?

aunt agony cant solve her own problems...

its always easier to give out advice rather than to heed it.
i gave out advice that would be very useful to me right now.
but i cant follow it.
i just cant.
because i'd be risking it.
and i cant bear to.

anyhow its not like i'll ever do anything anyway.
heh.
i always wait.
even if it means to wait blindly.
sigh.
oh well.

better to sit in silence rather than to ruin the amity between us...

Lord, You know my heart
And all my desires
And the secret things I'll never tell
Lord, You know them well

Though I may be young
I see and understand
That at times like sheep we go astray
And things get out of hand

So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity
As unto You
Waiting for the day
When I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you

Until then, O Lord
I will be content
Knowing that true love
Will come someday
It will only come from You

Cause I have seen the suffering
That loneliness can cause
When we choose to give our love away
Without a righteous cause

the cooking diaries...
(cause Mum's not home!)

today's ingredients are:

boneless chicken thigh meat...



shitake mushrooms...



asparagus...



cheese...



and crushed black peppercorns and dried basil leaves for seasoning...




Step 1:
marinate the chicken meat with salt, black peppercorns and dried basil leaves...




Step 2:
slice the mushrooms and half the asparagus...




Step 3:
heat up the oil and brown the chicken meat...
its cooked once its not pinkish-raw anymore...




Step 4:
plate the hot chicken and top with cheese...




Step 5:
add a little butter in the pan and fry the mushrooms and asparagus...




Step 6:
top the chicken (the cheese should have melted by now) with the veggie mixture...

Ta Da!
Pepper and basil chicken topped with butter-tossed mushrooms and asparagus!




Step 7:
Dig in and enjoy (:



Yummy! (:

AbsolutElation.

The song is done.
Thank you Jim.
Thank you Amanda.
Most of all thank you GOD.
(:

Gonna jam next week.
Hopefully.
Jim on guitar.
Amanda on keyboard.
Me on drums.
(im think im missing something...)
Though i have no idea how im gonna sing and drum.
But we'll figure out smthg.
Ha.
And i really wanna record it.

I love the song.
I love it.
I love you GOD.
(:

Thank you God..for just..always..ALWAYS providing..this time its through a song..that brought the three friends even closer..and three friends who care for each other genuinely..who help to take away the little pain in my heart..heh..thank you my Father..
(:

You Are My Everything

How can i not realise that you love me
When you're showing it to me everyday.
How can i not realise that you love me
When you're revealing in every way.

Everything in my life
All the laughter, the strife
They come from you because you care
And i'm never alone,
you're always there.

Father,
Teach me to love you more
Help me to open the door
to my heart, to my life,
to my all, forevermore.
Father,
Guide me and use all that i can bring
Just take over my life and cause me to sing
of your love, of your grace
You are my everything.

Its so painful how i can forget that you love me
when you've paid the price of death
Its so hurting how i can forget that you love me
when you touch me with your sweet gentle caress.

Inspired by God.
Written through me.

I actually had the intention of writing a poem about something thats really bothering me.
But instead, i ended up wiriting this song.
I've also never written a song before so here's a virgin attempt.
It may be imperfect but He is perfect.

Its so amazing how God works in our lives.
He gave me the inspiration and I'm honoured to be used by Him.
The song is also such a great reminder (which couldnt have come at a better time) that God loves me.
Nothing is greater than His love, though we often forget as we look to human affections to satisfy our longing.
Take heart (pun not intended) my friends.
God loves us, no matter how much we dont reciprocate it back to Him.
And trust His timing and plan.
He is working!
(:

Now i just need someone to put it into guitar chords for me.
Any takers?
Shucks.
i should really learn how to play the guitar.

A life filled with joy...

As i reflect on the past week, i cant think of anything else except the fact that God is good to me.
That He has already planned out my life so meticulously and proficiently.
That He will always provide in His own special way.
That He loves me.

Only recently have i finally been able to let go.
And its not like before where i kept saying i needed to and things had to stop.
I kept lying to myself then.
But now its for real.
I, through and only through God's grace, have been capable of setting myself free from the chains i have bound myself with.
Chains that have been tightenning itself for the past 7 long months.
They have been shattered, destroyed, crushed.
*insert big huge ginormous toothie smile here*

On sunday, God spoke to me again through Tom during the sunday school lesson.
Honestly i never really could keep my attention focused from the start till the end but that day was really an exception.
I never felt more eager and willing to listen, learn.
Tom talked about how Habbakuk complained but yet did so with reverence and a heart that was open and honest.

What really struck me was the reminder that God does not work according to human timing.
We may think that God isnt working but actually he is already in the midst of answering our prayers but we, as puny useless ignorant and silly humans, dont see it. He may also not answer our requests the way we want but God does answer prayers.

This fact struck me because i realised that it has been shown to me during the past week.
Since it'll take too long (due to a ton of details..God really works down to the nitty gritty) i shall spare everyone the agony. heh.
But know that He provided me with many friends.
Friends who care and really know how to make me feel appreciated and just, well, contented. :)

So here (brace yourselves, its gonna be long) are my thank yous!
(in no order of any kind whatsoever)
(though in specification to my past week)
(heh)
(ok i'll shut up already)

Edwin:
Hey ed. Thanks. Really. For everything. For listenning to my whinning. For bearing with all my nonsense. For all the teasing, the yakking but most importantly the nagging (esp about my finances). Thanks for coming over on thurs. Thanks for going to get the prez with me though you were already half dead and it was kinda late. Thanks for the treat at crystal jade. Thanks for the long long long chat on tuesday morning. Thanks for paying most of the cab fare today. Thanks for slurping down your salmon ramen just now just so i didnt have to go home all alone. Thanks.

Jun Yuan:
Thanks for coming over on thurs and being of the most help with the food. haha. Thanks for inviting me up with your YEP friends to bai nian though ur parents werent home. Thanks for the movie on that hot, lazy and boring friday afternoon (and that can of coke. ha.). Thanks for ben and jerrys at 1am just because i had a mad craving for it. Thanks for the appreciation of my efforts (unlike some people..*kat glares at shane*..ha). Thanks for lunch. The chicken rice was really yummy, the conversation even yummier (ha.). Thanks for watching School of Rock (on yet another hot, lazy and boring afternoon) with me though u already did (and another can of coke). Thanks for sharing a bit of your life with a stranger. Thanks for being a neighbour. Thanks for being a friend. Thanks for just being you.

Shane:
As much as i would like to disinclude you i just couldnt. ha. Thanks for coming over on thurs and alleviating a bit of the torture of over-catered food. Thanks for your "constructive criticisms" that, really, i accept with gratitude. Thanks for your sociable and out-going attitude. Thanks for amusing me with the humourously egotistical way you talk about yourself.

Jim:
Thanks for being the great friend you have always been. Thanks for being my reality check. Thanks for all the little things you do and the crazy big things that are so stupidly sweet (like your appearance and box of chocolates at 2am). Thanks for the endless amount of treats you've given me and amanda, and yet we still keep clamouring you for more (speaking of which u still owe us the japanese buffet!). Thanks for being such an encouragement through your trust in God no matter how tough a situation you might be stuck in. Thanks for your constant concern too.

Amanda:
Thanks for being the wonderful and ever-encouraging sister i never had. Thanks for all the little smses here and there, some coming at the most appropriate timings that show me how much God cares for me as He put you in my life. Thanks for the pretty heart-shaped cookies you made for me on valentines day as well as the sweet sweet note that came along with it. Thanks for always listenning to my problems. Thanks for all your prayers. Thanks for being my constant reminder of that important need to reach out to everyone and spread the love our Father has abundantly showered on us.

Liyue:
Thanks for coming to the airport to have dinner with me. Thanks for the delicious treat. Thanks for being so patient while u waited (for me to take photos with my friend) and waited (while i scooted off from dinner to say a final goodbye and wave to my friend) and waited. Thanks for the short but most enjoyable chat we had. Thanks for constantly meeting up with me to find out how im doing. Thanks for being not just a DGL to me, but a close older sister, someone i can and will look to for advice. Thanks for allowing me to be so open with you.

Michele:
Thanks for being so patient with me. Thanks for being like a big sister to little me. Thanks for indirectly slapping me hard in the face to wake me up. Thanks for being such a great friend to me even when i dont deserve it. Thanks for being a source of encouragement and motivation through the amount of dedication you give to all your committments. Thanks for the really lovely v.day flower that is still surviving in a vase of water on my bedside table.

Gina:
Thanks for being a great friend to me though ive only known you for less than a year. Thanks for hanging out with me today though you were half dead from a whole day of school (though the offer of haagen daz icecream treat had a very endorphinious effect on you. ahaha.) just because im only meeting teck at 530pm. Thanks for always causing a smile on my face with your crazy antics (and of course your infamous burps). Thanks for a fun time no matter what we do.

Again i must stress that it doesnt mean i dont appreciate you just because your name isnt specifically mentioned. Each and every person in my life is important because God has a purpose for you in my life. And for that, i truely am grateful to all of you.

Take care everyone.
I love y'all.
(:

because Of Him and all of you...

p/s: ok. i actually have some stuff to say to you, my now sad-to-say-but-its-true-long-distance-neighbour, but my eyes are desperately struggling to remain open and make out whats on the screen of my lappy. haha. another day fella. or would you prefer an email? (hur hur. im just adding to your list of "email people".)

Opportunities. Self-Withered.

the heart aches for what that is not there
taken for granted
viewed without a care
till its gone
far beyond our reach
and we desperately hang on with futility
and brimming with regret
that we let go
the chances to reveal the truth.
ignorant chances relinquished.

LOVE...

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, the whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 John 4:19
We love because he first loved us.

Happy Valentines Everyone!
(:

...is GOD.

The Baking Diaries...

Add four eggs...

A cup of sugar...

One teaspoon of vanilla essence...

Four whole packets of cream cheese...

Give it a little whirl with the help of a mixer...

*Wait wait wait...*

After an hour of utter impatience...

I present..a little sneak peek of mouth-watering goodness..

VIOLA! Oreo cheesecake!

hmm..it doesnt exactly look like an oreo cheesecake huh...

oh well..its the taste that counts right?

(:

Every entry represents a labour of love...

on a little sidenote...

You keep giving and taking from me..

Things that could have been. may be.

Tears.
Frustration and exasperation

out of utter incomprehension

that dont drop

being afraid of self-condescension.

God.

Why?

the contented princess...

its true.
when u let go of the crazy things uve been clinging on so tightly to,
life becomes so much better.
you get this amazing feeling of ten thousand pounds being lifted off your shoulders.
all at once.
and all is made more satisfying when u give it up to GOD.

i really thank God for people who make my life so much sweeter.
you know who u guys are.
ha.
and pun not intended on the word "sweeter".
(ref. sneaking out for icecream supper)

oh and i just have to add this.
im gonna be one really really privileged girl on valentines' day.
HA.
*big fat silly grin*
but of course.
as with all things.
it comes with a price.
tsk.
haha.

has got everything she needs..
everything and so much more..

Realisation...

Ed made me recognize one very important factor today.
He said that at the end of all the searching, if two people wanted to be together they had to be open and have fun chatting with each other.
He asked me to imagine not being able to crap with my boyfriend and commented how boring that would be.

You once said you liked me for me.
But its weird how little you actually know about me.
And its strange how i get tongue-tied when talking to you.
Even more bizarre how we sometimes run out of things to say and talk about.

Ok, enough of the complicated emotionally-weighted issues. heh.
Let me say thanks to three guys who made my night a rather interesting and most definitely laughter-filled one.

Thanks to Edwin, Jun Yuan and Shane.

Who, first and foremost, most gallantly helped me to finish up some food from the buffet spread.
Thanks, you have no idea how much it means to me (and my stomach for the next few days).
Secondly, they relieved me of my boredom during the dinner.
Haha. Ok my relatives arent that boring..its just that i dont usually talk to them so yeah. heh.
Its rather amazing how the four of us managed to talk quite a bit and laugh a little bit more depsite me being (almost) a complete stranger to Jun Yuan and Shane.
Thirdly, for inviting me up to the twelfth floor.
I had always wanted to see how was the view from up there. Sorry i didnt stay long though.

God definitely had His hand in this.
I actually invited him to come over.
But he didnt.
And him not being there allowed me to get to know (and know better for ed) these three crappy guys.
Blessing(s) in disguise.
*Grin*

...is not enough. Its what ure gonna do about it. Will i do anything?

The God of all comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3-6

3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.

Im really really blessed.
Whenever i need answers God always provides it.
His timing is so accurate its unbelievable.
The above verse was from today's message.
And it spoke directly to me.

Thank you Father for taking care of even a speck of dust like me.
I know I need to rely on You for answers and strength but all too often i think i can handle it on my own, ending up being more confused and miserable than before.
Teach me to trust in You and Your precise timing for everything in my life that is to come.
Teach me to pray for faith and not demand.
Teach me to seek Ye first the kingdom of God and not the things of this world.
Teach me to be patient and wait.
Teach me to allow You to work through and in me.

And father i pray for a dear sister.
She needs the peace that surpasses all understanding that can only come from You right now.
Help her to see Your goodness and glory throughout all this heartache.
Show her You love her so much, much more than any human could.
Grant her the victory out of all her pain and suffering through your mercy and grace.
Allow me to just be a friend to her.

God is good.
All the time.

All the time.
God is good.

Amen.

Missing.

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

I think i need a slap.

the wrecked...

unnatural unwillingness to slumber
if nightmares are all i see.
heart-thumping resistance to siesta
when all my dreams are scary to me.

so tired so confused
so close to tears
but never the guts to cry.
engulfed in a self-denial state of false hope.

whirlwind -
tumultous beating down of the truthful lie.
a swift slash across the tender beating flesh.
the core of emotions shadows itself into recluse
dubious knowledge of possibility dashed.

soft-hearted.
sentimental.
sensitive.
sweet.
optimism has its limits.
vulnerablity now takes charge.

...state of mind.body.soul.

Friends.

Took the 151 with Kai Sheng this morning..
Was a lot better than last week cause this week i didnt wake up 20 minutes before leaving the house, which usually leaves me really really horribly grouchy..heehee..
Talked about everything under the sun (as we always do..the bus journy is awfully long)..
Driving, PRC scholars, Shopping, Parents, Allowence, Cars, Soci tutors, Clothes, Relationships, Denial, Chinese New Year and yes that Suckling Pig that im gonna have for my reunion dinner.
And Kai Sheng, im really (really!) not as spoilt as i seem to be.
Ok i should just shut up.
With each word (in my defence) i say i just seem to be sinking deeper in.

Was with Michele before meeting WeeWee for lunch.
Really really fun being with her no matter what we do.
Today we had fun playing "fit-the-key-into-the-correct-door" with the soci storeroom.
Haha.
And sorry about making you line up all over again for my katsu-don!
Heh.
Who else in the world would laugh with (and at me) for doing such a silly and stupid thing but yet still go queue up for me?

Crashed WeeWee's science lecture..
The LT was obviously too small for the amount of people at the lecture..
But we thankfully managed to find two seats side by side..
The LT was so warm too..
The lecturer really sucked..
Try to imagine a china man rattling on about enzymes and other funny chemical and bio terms and names..
Tried to revise a bit of my french but the environment was less than conducive..
WeeWee was bored enough to fold me a hi-chew wrapper flower..haha..thanks!

Nthg much for marketing.
Boring.
Its too much like econs.
The only good thing out of it?
Michele, Gina, Me and WeeWee are in the same group.
No unsuspecting lazy bugger in my project group.

I realise today that all my friends treat me the same way.
Be it my close friends, my PL friends, my church friends, my NUS friends etc etc..
They all share this common yet unknown-to-them tendency to tease me and treat me like a xiao mei mei.
Haha.
As Kai Sheng puts it "i subconciously try not to do it".
Right.
But its okay.
I dont mind.
Heh.
Maybe thats why.

Would he lie to me?
Why would he lie to me?
I dare not ask either one of them what in the world is going on.
This is just not getting me anywhere.
I just need to know the truth.
From the horse's mouth.
Are you even intending to tell me at all?

Friends. Just friends.