God is good!

no doubt about that..not even a single bit..

I cant think of a better way to present this post then with my thanksgiving!

First of all, God has brought me through the camp!
Remember my previous post about all my prayer requests and worries?
God answered all my prayers!
He provided me with opportunities to study, good health during and after the camp, a sincere and patient heart as i interacted as well as disciplined the sec ones and a laughter-filled time of working with michele and my juniors.
But most importantly, through it all, i realised and was reminded of how much i need to depend on God fully wholly completely entirely totally in every aspect of my life.
On top of all my answered prayers, He gave me more in the form of the opportunity to go home on sat (going back on sunday) which provided me with the much needed sleep (a good one!) at home.

Secondly, God has brought me through the exams!
With each different paper, God never failed not only to carry me through but also taught me various lessons in the process:

1. Singapore Studies - I was a whole buncha nerves because i had barely studied enough, much less read through the entire textbook. to top it off i was exhausted from the camp. but God was merciful. The questions were managable (heritage tour! thanks mish!) and he sustained me physically.
2. Literature - I honestly was over-confident for this paper. Choosing to believe it required minimal preparation, i was utterly caught off guard. the paper was a disaster. But i was really humbled by God. It taught me a lesson, though difficult and painful.
3. Philosophy and Jap Studies - Philo paper was a long drawn process of answering 21 mind-boggling questions but once again God was gracious and i survived. hehe. Jap studies on the other hand? Again i was caught off-guard, my second lesson from God due to a lack of preparation.
4. South East Asian Studies - The same really nerve-wrecking feeling that i had during the As (for the same paper) overcame me when mish, gina and me were leaving habourfrnt mac for school. i was so tired physically and mentally. and i felt all that i studied was inadequate and derisory. But God came through for me. The topics i focused on came out and i finished my paper on time despite my tiredness.

Thirdly, God has given me awesome, fantastic, generous, incredible parents!
Knowing that my philo paper started at 9 in the morning, my dad took leave just so i didnt have to drag myself out of bed at an insane time of 530 and endure the 2 hour journey to school and sent me home that day too.
On thursday despite the last minute notification, mum and dad still came to pick me up which i am so grateful for because i was really drained.
Gina and Mish also benefitted as my dad picked them up and sent them home on those two days too!

Fourthly, God has brought me through my emotional rollar-coaster!
This has to be the only type of rollar-coaster that i wouldnt want to sit. Haha.
ok on a more serious note, i was really affected by it.
And it was a really really long period of time lasting a whole 3 and a half months.
But now as i think about it, i understand why He had to allow me to go through it.
These 3 months taught me that i really need to leave everything to God and to seek Him with all, not just a little part or a majority part, of my heart.
It all happened because God was brushed aside oh so conveniently as my heart was being preoccupied.
Things are ok now and dare i say going pretty well.
Heh. Though i really dont want to speculate or do anything without FIRST seeking GOD and leaving EVERYTHING to Him.
Ohhhhh and God gave me a sweet ending to my exams too! heehee. i think only mish and gina know what im talking about.

Well the holidays are finally here but im pretty booked up with work (selling uniform! hur hur), going to malaysia (KL shopping here i come!), giving tuition to the GB girls and the Evangelistic Camp.
Im not even sure i want to celebrate my birthday. haha. Too much hassle.
Ultimately, I just hope i can use this holiday as productively as i can, productive in terms of God's standards.
:)

A muddle of dread, apprehension and anticipation..

God i need you to be even more real in my life right now..

when was the last time i went for a camp?
probably somewhere in july for vcf camp..but that doesnt count..
because it was a camp where i wasnt involved in any aspect of running the camp and i didnt have exams the next day after camp ended..

tomorrow is the start of the GB Sec 1 training camp and honestly im having a lot of mixed feelings towards it..
the whole week ive been entertaining conflicting thoughts about it..

anxiety vs coolness
nervousness vs excitment
uncertainty vs confidence

im worried over how the camp will be for me..
will i be able to assimilate with the teachers?
will i be able to work well with my counterparts?
will i be able to connect with the girls?
maybe im more worried about their attitude and reactions towards me.
and all the inconveniences of being away from home..aircon. ha. just kidding.

but more importantly, please pray for not just me but michele too:

1. discipline to study during the camp - (exams are starting on monday and we're breaking camp on sunday night at around 10pm..any volunteers to send me home? sms me pleaseeeeeeeeee)
2. good health throughout and after the camp (lack of sleep will be an absolute positive)
3. wisdom, humility and patience as we guide and interact with the sec 1s (sometimes its easy to deem them as just being irritating kids, we need self-reflection and the attitude that we can learn from them too!)
4. meekness as we work with others and each other (especially when each party is so different in terms of thoughts, attitudes and age)
5. utter dependence on God (something i personally need to learn and re-learn all the time, hope the camp will teach me this attitude especially with all my fearfulness and fretfulness)

God im anxious and afraid..but Lord help me to know and remember that You are always beside me no matter where i am and whatever im doing..You alone are almighty, powerful and great..And if my God is for me then who can be against me? Amen. :)

I love my brother!

and no im not being sarcastic..

haha..
just a quick post before i immerse myself in the literary wonders (at least some i consider wonders, others are just a pain to read and a whole load of rubbish ) of Pradmoedya, Ionesco, Stoppard, Lessing, Gunn and Thumboo..

Had a pretty long chat with my bro over msn last night..
haha..yes over msn though we're in the same country, same estate, same condo, same floor, same house just different room..
and yeah..
even though our relationship has been on a decline since he went to the army..
i still love him as much as before..
i may seem to always be at loggerheads with him when he comes home but i suppose thats just part of a healthy brother-sister relationship aint it?
heehee..
i love ya bro..
and im here to help you snag that girl!
:)

I love my parents too.
and my friends.
really i do.
and sometimes we just need stupid things to happen to make us realise how important they are and mean to us.
i learnt it perhaps the hard way.
but im glad i did.
:)

most of all, i love GOD.
i love HIM for giving me all these wonderful things for me to love.

Jesus, Saviour, Wonderful Redeemer You are Holy, Holy, I worship You, I'll praise Your name so great..

God, grant me wisdom, strength and humility..

to embrace, accept, and acknowledge all that has happened..

first and foremost,
exam starts this coming monday.
today is tuesday.
so technically i have 5 more days to study.
right?
wrong.
GB camp on friday to sunday.

before you start screaming at me "has insanity overcome your lucidity?"
i didnt realise that camp actually ended on monday.
i thought it would be alright since camp would break in the early afternoon on sunday, giving me ample time to get home, bathe, revise and sleep.
but apparantly its gonna end at about 10pm after the campfire.
and GB campsite is all the way at sembawang.

i suppose i could have done the idiotically irresponsible thing of backing out then or now when i found out what i have gotten myself into.
but its a commitment.
i dont join things and then back out when i think i cant handle it or it inconveniences me.
im not even involved in most or the main part of the planning and my presence is obviously unnecessary.
but its a commitment.

secondly,
i think perhpas i care too much about things that dont concern me at all.
but i guess thats the way i am.
i actually get more worried for the person than the person him/herself.
im not in charge but hey i feel like maybe it should be checked out to ensure things go smoothly.
Confidence was displayed but i pushed for it to happen.
Genuine concern was the motivation but i dont blame you for seeing it otherwise right now.

i suppose im morbid enough to cause and create deaths and funerals.
and i appear to have weddings every single saturday.
i wanted to help you with the tour.
i felt you should at least run through it and offered to go with you.
i was prepared to skip church and a gazillion other things i could have done on a sat.
but nope.
i decided to be evil and in the end fabricated a wedding to attend so that i could get away with something i initiated and wanted to help you with.

i know i should be addressing you directly but there is an absence of conversational possibility.
you have taken a lot more than your plate can hold and i am well aware of that.
if you're reading this, know that if u need help, esp with GB stuff, thats what im here for.
I dont expect anything in return. I never did.

Much less do i expect you to believe anything i just said.
But at least i tried.

Congrats in getting hold of your wallet again.

God is good all the time.
All the time God is good.

even when i suffer from allergic reactions.
Amen.

in the midst of darkness Lord, my spirit calls for You...

valuable economic asset

the amount i countribute to the economy is ridiculous..

heehee..
the singapore economy should be grateful for people like me..
i just spent $114 on only two tops today..
one from puma..
one from peace angel which by the way has really really really awsome vintage stuff..
oh and the new revamped tangs is not bad too..
i like the layout and the new concept..
too bad this year their signature big banner bearing a verse isnt up..
*sigh*

so yes.
instead of studying at home,
i spent my sunday shopping at tangs.
and im going to watch charlie's angels now.
too bad i dont believe in luck,
because im gonna need A LOT of it to get through my exams.

subtle brainwashing..

haha..and no its not as bad as the title suggests..

Signs that ive been hanging out with Michele and Gina too often:

1. Im beginning to like GREEN
2. Im beginning to accept colour mis-coordination..
3. I feel like eating Jap food very often in the arts canteen
4. Im starting to appreciate GREY
5. My collection of dangly earrings is increasing at an alarming rate
6. I sleep in buses

haha..but dont get me wrong..im not complaining here..
contrary to that..

i absolutely LOVE the two of them!

haha

its just one of those non-sequitor posts.

enjoy.

:)

Handphone misplaced.
Flurried conduct screams of haste.
Monosyllabic combat.
Spiteful intentional so you never forget.

it's been a pretty interesting day..

though at the expense of mishie moo..heehee..

first interesting tidbit of the day:
note: the first part of this entry is dedicated to the one and only mishie moo moo cow..

let me say that she's one strong girl who doesn't let circumstances affect her as much as it would affect me..haha..

today her beautiful butterfly slipper broke..
the part which she thought she had repaired flawlessly gave way..
the day had barely even started..
from the bus stop all the way to the co-op shop (in hope they would sell slippers there) her attempts at re-connecting the slipper with a safety pin faltered almost seven times..
when we got to the co-op there was no slippers..
and guess what?
they had just ran out of safety pins..
what were the odds of that happenning on that very day when we needed it the most?

the story had a good ending..
though not all that happy cause her slipper is spoilt..(duh~)
heh..
she bought super-glue from the co-op and did a pretty decent job of reapiring her slippers..good enough to last her through out the rest of the day..

but what i really wanna say is that she faced up to the situation and made the best of it..
if i were caught in that dilemma..
honestly i think i would be utterly pissed, whine, get all worked up and frustrated and take a cab home pronto..
i wouldnt have been able to even bring myself to go to class..
i would have hopped on the first cab i saw..
this we both agreed would be my reaction..
haha..
you know me too well mishie moo!

second interesting tidbit?
i saw him in the canteen today..
ahahahhaa..
honestly i couldnt really recognize him..as in i didnt really realise it was him at the fruit juice queue..
i didnt give much thought to it and so i turned around in respond to Michele wanting to sit back there..
haha..
he was like "hey dont walk away!"
so yeah..
for a brief maybe 3 minutes we talked and he was on the run again..off to class..
i think he said something about seeing me after his class but too bad i left school after mishie moo was done with her Jap dory curry bento thingy and my chinese pear juice..
he ended class late at 7 anyway..

but.actually.hmm.
ikindawishineversawhimtoday.
dontaskmewhy.
evenidontknow.

the day ended off well.
reached home in time for singapore idol.
coupled with a sumptous dinner (as always) by my mum.

i am no doubt blessed. :)

Desperation..

How come i dont long after You?

This is the air i breathe..
This is the air i breathe..
Your holy presence..
Living in me..

This is my daily bread..
This is my daily bread..
Your very words..
Spoken through me..

And i, im DESPERATE for You..
And i, im LOST without You..

How many of us can actually say we're desperate for the Lord?
the Webster dictionary defines the word as having lost all hope and being moved by depair..
we indeed have no hope in men or any of the things of this earth..
for everything will fade away..will perish..

but we know all this..
all this bible knowledge that we have been taught since young..
we know it all so well we can rattle on flawlessly..
we can regurgitate every line every phrase every verse..

but being desperate for the Lord?

i definitely lack this spirit of wanting God so much..
the desire to worship Him all through the day..
having the consciousness and actions that show how much i love Him..

I was just packing my stuff and putting my bible back on my shelf..
then it struck me..
how many times do i read, much less open, my bible during the week?
my bible has a spot on my shelf..
it looks neat and tidy..and it fits in perfectly..
but is this what its supposed to be?

its time to do some serious soul-searching..

teach me to live your love,
help me to give your love,
show me your way,
Lord i'll obey,
and live your love..

if what i think is true
then i have every reason to hate you

it was all a friggin waste of time
and dammit
why must everything i type rhyme