too much time and energy already wasted..
There comes a time when you really have to put your foot down and make a determined effort to stop letting yourself from getting so unnecessarily affected by something..
And its my turn to put the above action into practice..
Too much (or at least enough to make me disgusted at my foolishness) energy, thoughts and emotions have been vested with nothing gained out of all that heavy expenditure..
I feel as if i have been dragged into playing a game that i naïvely thought would not exist in this circumstance..
I wasn't even looking for what I seemingly found..
The impression of having discovered and being part of something undoubtedly caused a sensation of both rush and the excitment that comes with the prospect of possibilities..
But nothing.
Nothing gained.
Nothing acheieved.
Nothing resulted.
Cheated.SpitOut.LeftByTheSideToRotAndDie.
haha..okok..so thats a little wee bit too dramatic..
im doing fine actually..just wanted to let go some steam hence the writing of such strong emotions..
i mean i do feel rather cheated and somewhat made used off (why didnt i see it coming?) but yeah..im not one who would indulge in such self-pity..
I'll move on.
Restart.Rejuvinate.ConquerAndThwartThatUselessPieceOfCrap.
I want that pair of adidas shoes...............
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Sunday, August 29, 2004
N ' E ' R ' D
Wonderful Place
DAMN, IT’S SETTING IN NOW
‘CAUSE CARTOONS ARE TURNING INTO REAL LIFE
LEMONS AND LIMES ARE FIGHTING
FIGHTING OVER STRAWS LIKE THEY WERE OIL FILLED PIPES
WHY’S SOME RIDING THE SONG
WHY IS THIS FUNNY TO ME
ALL OF A SUDDEN THE MOUSE COMES ALONG
AND WHAT IT SINGS BRINGS HARMONY
YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THAT SMILE ON MY FACE
IT’S ‘CAUSE THIS WORLD COULD BE
SUCH A WONDERFUL PLACE
SOME OF THESE COMPANIES
2000, WE GET A RAISE
NOT ME MAN
I SEE A WONDERFUL PLACE
THE WORLD’S A WONDERFUL PLACE
MY SOUL AND MY SMILE
DON’T FROWNJUST GET UP, GET UP
(LOOK AT THE BIRDS, LOOK AT THE BEES)
MY SOUL AND MY SMILE
(LOOK AT THE SKIES, LOOK AT THE SEAS)
DON’T FROWN (IT’S A WONDERFUL PLACE, YEA…)
JUST GET UP, GET UPMY SOUL AND MY SMILE
DON’T FROWNJUST GET UP, GET UP
(JUST LOOK AT THE PLANES, LOOK AT the CARS)
MY SOUL AND MY SMILE
(LOOK AT THE SUN, LOOK AT THE STARS)
DON’T FROWN JUST GET UP, GET UP
THE WALLPAPER’S MOVING
MY ARMS AND MY LEGS LEAVE A BLUR WHEN I SWIPE
SAP IS JUST OOZING, THE TREES SAY
SMOKE BLOCKS THE SUN SO FOR THEM, IT’S JUST NIGHT
THE SEVEN EYES LOOKING THROUGH THE CLOUDS
WHY IS THAT FUNNY TO ME
AND HERE COMES THE MOUSE SINGING LOUD
AND WHAT IT SINGS, IT BRINGS HARMONY
DAMN, IT’S SETTING IN NOW
‘CAUSE CARTOONS ARE TURNING INTO REAL LIFE
LEMONS AND LIMES ARE FIGHTING
FIGHTING OVER STRAWS LIKE THEY WERE OIL FILLED PIPES
WHY’S SOME RIDING THE SONG
WHY IS THIS FUNNY TO ME
ALL OF A SUDDEN THE MOUSE COMES ALONG
AND WHAT IT SINGS BRINGS HARMONY
YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THAT SMILE ON MY FACE
IT’S ‘CAUSE THIS WORLD COULD BE
SUCH A WONDERFUL PLACE
SOME OF THESE COMPANIES
2000, WE GET A RAISE
NOT ME MAN
I SEE A WONDERFUL PLACE
THE WORLD’S A WONDERFUL PLACE
MY SOUL AND MY SMILE
DON’T FROWNJUST GET UP, GET UP
(LOOK AT THE BIRDS, LOOK AT THE BEES)
MY SOUL AND MY SMILE
(LOOK AT THE SKIES, LOOK AT THE SEAS)
DON’T FROWN (IT’S A WONDERFUL PLACE, YEA…)
JUST GET UP, GET UPMY SOUL AND MY SMILE
DON’T FROWNJUST GET UP, GET UP
(JUST LOOK AT THE PLANES, LOOK AT the CARS)
MY SOUL AND MY SMILE
(LOOK AT THE SUN, LOOK AT THE STARS)
DON’T FROWN JUST GET UP, GET UP
THE WALLPAPER’S MOVING
MY ARMS AND MY LEGS LEAVE A BLUR WHEN I SWIPE
SAP IS JUST OOZING, THE TREES SAY
SMOKE BLOCKS THE SUN SO FOR THEM, IT’S JUST NIGHT
THE SEVEN EYES LOOKING THROUGH THE CLOUDS
WHY IS THAT FUNNY TO ME
AND HERE COMES THE MOUSE SINGING LOUD
AND WHAT IT SINGS, IT BRINGS HARMONY
Uni life has just begun..
Yet thankfully life isnt all that routine and mundane...
Just finished one week of lectures and tutorials and i must say tutorials are a whole lot more fun than lectures.. (duh~)
Japanese Studies Tutorial --- AS4/0335 --- 1100 - 1200
The concept seemed a little strange to me at first..
A really small class..with people from every faculty and every year all cramped into a tiny little room..
A small-sized jap guy walks into the class and introduces himself by writing on the board "osamU Yamazaki" (yes he did write the "U" extra big) obviously hoping to erase any wise cracks about his name..
Had to find project mates later and immediately Gina "claimed" a friend because the other guy, Jeremy, was planning to major in econs..just like her..
Along with Jeremy, we roped in our jap exchange student, Sachio Suzuki, who was beside Jeremy..
Throughout the few minutes that we spent discussing when and where to meet Gina kept laughing at Sachio's mannerisms and speech like he was some specimen..
Poor Sachio..i hope he doesnt think Gina is some sort of freak..haha..just kidding my darling gina!
Literature Tutorial --- AS5/0309 --- 1000 - 1200
ok i gotta admit..this tutorial was pretty normal..
except i clarified my idea that my tutor was married (which he wasnt due to an absence of a wedding ring) and michele pointed out that my tutor was rather effiminate..haha..
and oh yes..speaking of michele..she embarrassed herself on the very first tutorial..heehee..
and im wondering if i should re-visit the incident again on this blog..
Mishie moo moo cow if ure reading this leave me a stamp of approval or disapproval in my taggie yeah?
Other than these..class pretty much dragged on for the entire two hours..
ohhhhh..i did find this girl who was just as annoying as Julia from my first three months class at SRJC..
unfortunately..i forgot her name..but i didnt forget her face..haha.. *evil laugh*
South East Asian Studies Tutorial --- AS3/0620 --- 1100 - 1300
First of all, let me start by complaining that this is the damn reason why i dont have a three day week..and why i have to come all the way back to school for two hours on a FRIDAY...
shucks..we wanted to get the slot for this tutorial on wednesday afternoon but alas it was not meant to be..
but thankfully this tutorial is only on odd weeks which means effectively i have a three and a half day week..which is still..excellent =)
ok..so the teacher walks in and guess who?
its the guy who didnt understand a word we were saying when we were explaining why we couldnt hand in our tutorial forms and the guy who was behind me and mishie when we were sleeping during lecture..ahahaha
and he's so absolutely funny when it comes to pronouncing names!!!
he's Thai so he's got a problem with our names..
Lionel become "Leo-nell" and Gina became "gin-na" (think hokkien)
ahahahhaa..it was hilarious..the class burst out laughing when he mispronounced Gina's name..to make it worse..me and mishie kept calling her that so i think we gave him the impression that its actually pronounced that way..
but besides that..he's a pretty funny guy..but i think we may encounter problems with this language situation..according to michele..he wasnt much help when her group asked him a question regarding their tutorial question..
fortunately for my group (which I really thank God that im with Gina) me and Roy did history before so we aint that lost..i think..i hope..heehee
and finally..our tutor doesnt know how to use the IVLE..
so yeah..school's been rather interesting so far..
i think really its because of the friends and excellent company..
to my darling Gina and mishie moo moo cow..i love you two..
without you two in just about all my modules and tutorials..i think i would have a really crappy start to uni life..
and im most happy to be you guys' secretary!
and finally..
uni life wouldnt be complete without our fair share of eye candy right?
*Kat looks at Gina and michele cheekily*
but unfortunately for us..the Arts population has no lack of pretty girls but a serious shortage of eye candy..
but fortunately..gina and mishie have found their eye candy..heehee..this much i shall disclose..for more information..dig it out from them!
I want ben and jerry's!
Just finished one week of lectures and tutorials and i must say tutorials are a whole lot more fun than lectures.. (duh~)
Japanese Studies Tutorial --- AS4/0335 --- 1100 - 1200
The concept seemed a little strange to me at first..
A really small class..with people from every faculty and every year all cramped into a tiny little room..
A small-sized jap guy walks into the class and introduces himself by writing on the board "osamU Yamazaki" (yes he did write the "U" extra big) obviously hoping to erase any wise cracks about his name..
Had to find project mates later and immediately Gina "claimed" a friend because the other guy, Jeremy, was planning to major in econs..just like her..
Along with Jeremy, we roped in our jap exchange student, Sachio Suzuki, who was beside Jeremy..
Throughout the few minutes that we spent discussing when and where to meet Gina kept laughing at Sachio's mannerisms and speech like he was some specimen..
Poor Sachio..i hope he doesnt think Gina is some sort of freak..haha..just kidding my darling gina!
Literature Tutorial --- AS5/0309 --- 1000 - 1200
ok i gotta admit..this tutorial was pretty normal..
except i clarified my idea that my tutor was married (which he wasnt due to an absence of a wedding ring) and michele pointed out that my tutor was rather effiminate..haha..
and oh yes..speaking of michele..she embarrassed herself on the very first tutorial..heehee..
and im wondering if i should re-visit the incident again on this blog..
Mishie moo moo cow if ure reading this leave me a stamp of approval or disapproval in my taggie yeah?
Other than these..class pretty much dragged on for the entire two hours..
ohhhhh..i did find this girl who was just as annoying as Julia from my first three months class at SRJC..
unfortunately..i forgot her name..but i didnt forget her face..haha.. *evil laugh*
South East Asian Studies Tutorial --- AS3/0620 --- 1100 - 1300
First of all, let me start by complaining that this is the damn reason why i dont have a three day week..and why i have to come all the way back to school for two hours on a FRIDAY...
shucks..we wanted to get the slot for this tutorial on wednesday afternoon but alas it was not meant to be..
but thankfully this tutorial is only on odd weeks which means effectively i have a three and a half day week..which is still..excellent =)
ok..so the teacher walks in and guess who?
its the guy who didnt understand a word we were saying when we were explaining why we couldnt hand in our tutorial forms and the guy who was behind me and mishie when we were sleeping during lecture..ahahaha
and he's so absolutely funny when it comes to pronouncing names!!!
he's Thai so he's got a problem with our names..
Lionel become "Leo-nell" and Gina became "gin-na" (think hokkien)
ahahahhaa..it was hilarious..the class burst out laughing when he mispronounced Gina's name..to make it worse..me and mishie kept calling her that so i think we gave him the impression that its actually pronounced that way..
but besides that..he's a pretty funny guy..but i think we may encounter problems with this language situation..according to michele..he wasnt much help when her group asked him a question regarding their tutorial question..
fortunately for my group (which I really thank God that im with Gina) me and Roy did history before so we aint that lost..i think..i hope..heehee
and finally..our tutor doesnt know how to use the IVLE..
so yeah..school's been rather interesting so far..
i think really its because of the friends and excellent company..
to my darling Gina and mishie moo moo cow..i love you two..
without you two in just about all my modules and tutorials..i think i would have a really crappy start to uni life..
and im most happy to be you guys' secretary!
and finally..
uni life wouldnt be complete without our fair share of eye candy right?
*Kat looks at Gina and michele cheekily*
but unfortunately for us..the Arts population has no lack of pretty girls but a serious shortage of eye candy..
but fortunately..gina and mishie have found their eye candy..heehee..this much i shall disclose..for more information..dig it out from them!
I want ben and jerry's!
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
I had enough...
Don't wanna wait anymore..I feel so cheated..
but maybe..just maybe..im being a little too hasty in my conclusion..
but maybe..just maybe..im being a little too hasty in my conclusion..
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
I really dont want to make a decision...
Do i even know what i want?
i think i did something really stupid last night..
i shant attempt to even try to explain it here..
it just cant be put into words because even i wasnt sure of what i was doing..
i think i shot myself in my own feet when i did it..
i think i made it too obvious..then again maybe i didnt..
but at the rate i was changing it..
coupled with the particular reference to the mysterious "you"..
sigh..
i really dont know..
but i think you know..
People give the advice of weighing your pros n cons before making any decision..especially if its gonna be one that affects your life..
i suppose this is my main problem..
im perhaps..paranoid?
i seem to keep focusing on the cons..craking my brain for the slightest con that will arise out of the decision..even if it isnt immediate or the chance of the suppossed detrimental result emerging is like one in a million..
but..but i cant help but feel..with a clear and rational mind that the cons are seriously outweighing the pros..
theres just too many background factors and now factors that are just making my life difficult..
i can just choose to ignore it altogether but thats just..stupid..and..well..impossible..
its one of those things where you know you want it..u think to yourself ok im going for it..then u realise..hey..i cant do it..
consciously i know i should be handing over the problem to God..
but i feel as if i can handle it..
like i'll get through it..i can make it on my own..
and to make everything worse..i feel its not something God should be concerned with..
its like some trivial problem that arised because of what I want..and not something that i see coming from God..
argh..
"Teach me to trust you Lord for i know how small and foolish man is compared to You..."
i think i did something really stupid last night..
i shant attempt to even try to explain it here..
it just cant be put into words because even i wasnt sure of what i was doing..
i think i shot myself in my own feet when i did it..
i think i made it too obvious..then again maybe i didnt..
but at the rate i was changing it..
coupled with the particular reference to the mysterious "you"..
sigh..
i really dont know..
but i think you know..
People give the advice of weighing your pros n cons before making any decision..especially if its gonna be one that affects your life..
i suppose this is my main problem..
im perhaps..paranoid?
i seem to keep focusing on the cons..craking my brain for the slightest con that will arise out of the decision..even if it isnt immediate or the chance of the suppossed detrimental result emerging is like one in a million..
but..but i cant help but feel..with a clear and rational mind that the cons are seriously outweighing the pros..
theres just too many background factors and now factors that are just making my life difficult..
i can just choose to ignore it altogether but thats just..stupid..and..well..impossible..
its one of those things where you know you want it..u think to yourself ok im going for it..then u realise..hey..i cant do it..
consciously i know i should be handing over the problem to God..
but i feel as if i can handle it..
like i'll get through it..i can make it on my own..
and to make everything worse..i feel its not something God should be concerned with..
its like some trivial problem that arised because of what I want..and not something that i see coming from God..
argh..
"Teach me to trust you Lord for i know how small and foolish man is compared to You..."
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Im am seriously wasting my time...
Kat is just bumming around in the com lab of AS7...
Help..i think im really just wasting my time away..but i suppose it cant be helped..lecture ended at 12 today but ive got the arts VCF welcome tea which only starts at 1830..its barely 1531..which means ive only succeeded in wasting about 3 hours so far..shucks..only about 3 more to go..
so here i am with gina to my left, michele to my right and zong han on my extreme right occupying up the whole row of computers reserved for settling tutorial registration and what not..
speaking of tutorials..im totally screwed..i only have space for this particular lit tutorial but i didnt get it..sheesh..i really cant slot in the rest cause they clash with my lectures..
ive already emailed the lit department..so well..we'll see how it goes shall we mich?
probby heading to YIH later to eat (againnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn) kueh..haha..not bad..cheap and good..but at the frequency i eat..my wallet is gonna get slimmer while i grow fatter..already i can feel it..my jeans are starting to feel a little too snug everywhere..haha..and i havent exercised since like..er..nafa test?haha..time to hit the pool..
thats about it for the day so far..its been dragging along really really slowly..
i could have been home..
*sigh*
just hope the welcome tea is gonna be worth it..
and if you would just sms me..it would make my day a whole lot better..
Help..i think im really just wasting my time away..but i suppose it cant be helped..lecture ended at 12 today but ive got the arts VCF welcome tea which only starts at 1830..its barely 1531..which means ive only succeeded in wasting about 3 hours so far..shucks..only about 3 more to go..
so here i am with gina to my left, michele to my right and zong han on my extreme right occupying up the whole row of computers reserved for settling tutorial registration and what not..
speaking of tutorials..im totally screwed..i only have space for this particular lit tutorial but i didnt get it..sheesh..i really cant slot in the rest cause they clash with my lectures..
ive already emailed the lit department..so well..we'll see how it goes shall we mich?
probby heading to YIH later to eat (againnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn) kueh..haha..not bad..cheap and good..but at the frequency i eat..my wallet is gonna get slimmer while i grow fatter..already i can feel it..my jeans are starting to feel a little too snug everywhere..haha..and i havent exercised since like..er..nafa test?haha..time to hit the pool..
thats about it for the day so far..its been dragging along really really slowly..
i could have been home..
*sigh*
just hope the welcome tea is gonna be worth it..
and if you would just sms me..it would make my day a whole lot better..
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
An update...
embracing singlehood...
I just came home not too long ago from a retail therapy trip with Lindy who's back frm the land of the surfing aussies..
Had a really good time with her..
shes one of those friends that i am and will treasure for the rest of my life..
no need to be pretentious with her..im just completely at ease with her..
laughing..teasing..even talking about the serious issues..all that can be done with her..
even despite the distance and lack of communication we still have that special bond which i with all my heart thank God for =)
well..the sad part is..we both share the experience of having to break up and let go when we dont want to..but know its something we have to do..
we were going from place to place..reminiscing about the memories that came to mind at each venue..cineleisure..taka foodcourt..the shoe shops at far east..
memories that immediately cause an aching feeling directly to the heart..
but as i think about it..
being single hasnt been all that bad..at least for me..
ive been spending more time with family and at home..
ive been spending more time with friends..and basically with more people other than my other half..
i dont spend every free time sms-ing..or icq-ing..or msn-ing..
i dont constantly worry about doing or saying things that may cause hurt to the other party or even worse..a misunderstading..
i am pretty much free to do what i want..the way i want..where i wanna go i go..who i wanna go out with i go..
yet..i suppose..its always nice to have someone there..
someone who will be there to listen to you when u need to whine or cry or smile and laugh..
someone who will give u a hug to just make you feel like nothing is impossible..
someone who will surprise you with a gift when u least expect it or for no reason..
someone who will love you for who you are and not what you have..
hmm..you know what?
im not "single" after all..
guess who fits the above description perfectly?
=)
I just came home not too long ago from a retail therapy trip with Lindy who's back frm the land of the surfing aussies..
Had a really good time with her..
shes one of those friends that i am and will treasure for the rest of my life..
no need to be pretentious with her..im just completely at ease with her..
laughing..teasing..even talking about the serious issues..all that can be done with her..
even despite the distance and lack of communication we still have that special bond which i with all my heart thank God for =)
well..the sad part is..we both share the experience of having to break up and let go when we dont want to..but know its something we have to do..
we were going from place to place..reminiscing about the memories that came to mind at each venue..cineleisure..taka foodcourt..the shoe shops at far east..
memories that immediately cause an aching feeling directly to the heart..
but as i think about it..
being single hasnt been all that bad..at least for me..
ive been spending more time with family and at home..
ive been spending more time with friends..and basically with more people other than my other half..
i dont spend every free time sms-ing..or icq-ing..or msn-ing..
i dont constantly worry about doing or saying things that may cause hurt to the other party or even worse..a misunderstading..
i am pretty much free to do what i want..the way i want..where i wanna go i go..who i wanna go out with i go..
yet..i suppose..its always nice to have someone there..
someone who will be there to listen to you when u need to whine or cry or smile and laugh..
someone who will give u a hug to just make you feel like nothing is impossible..
someone who will surprise you with a gift when u least expect it or for no reason..
someone who will love you for who you are and not what you have..
hmm..you know what?
im not "single" after all..
guess who fits the above description perfectly?
=)
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Uni life...
I really dont think im ready...
Uni life has barely started..its only been on week to be exact..
but already i dread it..
i think im really not ready in terms of my attitude to embrace this new chapter in my life..
im not exactly being sociable nor am i willing to try and make new friends..
maybe its the lack of self-confidence crap and the serious deprivation of self-esteem thats holding me back..
i keep having this feeling that someone or rather everyone is looking at me with a critical eye..
maybe im just being overshadowed..
im definately not as crazy as michele or as loud and funny as gina..
and perhaps no one needs or wants to know someone who is trying to be sane and a little more serious about school life..
thats just boring aint it..
i dont feel like joining any cca or club or organization or whatever..
i just dont think i'll be able to take it alone..
im such a sheep..going wherever people go..trying not to do stuff when i perceive im gonna be stuck in an uncomfortable position..
O week was a complete dread..
michele says im not giving the people a chance..
sure theyre nice and all..
but again i say..
im just not someone anyone would want to know..
not as crazy.
not as fun.
not as enthu.
not as sporting.
not as eager.
not as cool.
not as pretty.
not as rich.
not as popular.
im just not.
Uni life has barely started..its only been on week to be exact..
but already i dread it..
i think im really not ready in terms of my attitude to embrace this new chapter in my life..
im not exactly being sociable nor am i willing to try and make new friends..
maybe its the lack of self-confidence crap and the serious deprivation of self-esteem thats holding me back..
i keep having this feeling that someone or rather everyone is looking at me with a critical eye..
maybe im just being overshadowed..
im definately not as crazy as michele or as loud and funny as gina..
and perhaps no one needs or wants to know someone who is trying to be sane and a little more serious about school life..
thats just boring aint it..
i dont feel like joining any cca or club or organization or whatever..
i just dont think i'll be able to take it alone..
im such a sheep..going wherever people go..trying not to do stuff when i perceive im gonna be stuck in an uncomfortable position..
O week was a complete dread..
michele says im not giving the people a chance..
sure theyre nice and all..
but again i say..
im just not someone anyone would want to know..
not as crazy.
not as fun.
not as enthu.
not as sporting.
not as eager.
not as cool.
not as pretty.
not as rich.
not as popular.
im just not.
Thursday, August 05, 2004
I dont wanna be brought down from the clouds...
Reality is gonna smack me in the face real hard...
Why is it that when i finally feel im on the right track, reality tells me i will never reach the finishing line?
Why is it that when i finally found something so incredible and dare i say "perfect", reality rouses me from the fairy tale dream?
Why is it that when i finally am heading to the destination i have been yearning for, reality plants a ginormous "NO ENTRY" sign in front of me?
Maybe its not reality thats stopping me.
Maybe its me being too conscious and awake thats restricting myself.
Maybe its just me being afraid of facing it.
Maybe....its just......ME
Why is it that when i finally feel im on the right track, reality tells me i will never reach the finishing line?
Why is it that when i finally found something so incredible and dare i say "perfect", reality rouses me from the fairy tale dream?
Why is it that when i finally am heading to the destination i have been yearning for, reality plants a ginormous "NO ENTRY" sign in front of me?
Maybe its not reality thats stopping me.
Maybe its me being too conscious and awake thats restricting myself.
Maybe its just me being afraid of facing it.
Maybe....its just......ME
Sunday, August 01, 2004
God is trying to teach me something...
But yet..my stubborness is getting in the way of His lesson..
I remember not too long ago, i chose to give up something so dear to me..
Something i knew i had to and something that just wasn't worth clinging on so tightly too..
Something that made God sad and disappointed when He saw me still holding on to it..
God was (and always is) good and blessed me greatly when i let go of that something..
But i was greedy and wanted so much more..
I wasnt contented with what He gave me..
And so i let go of that blessing..
Not for nothing..
For i had set my sights on something else..
God was (and still is) good and again..despite my utter selfish nature n worldly craving..
He again blessed me with something..
But right now..i realised that God is trying to teach me a lesson..
He's trying to show me that the something He has given..or rather the something He allowed to happen as I really wanted..isn't something i can accept..
It didnt turn out the way i really wanted it to be..
No fairy tale ending..
At least not yet..
Im still in the midst of grappling with the situation..
And still insisting I can find a solution to create the happy ending..
This time..i really got so much more than i bargained for..
And somehow..i know i wont get the something i wanted so badly..
Its just not for me..and God is trying to show me that only He knows whats best for me..
Yet..i can't humble myself to admit im wrong..
I remember not too long ago, i chose to give up something so dear to me..
Something i knew i had to and something that just wasn't worth clinging on so tightly too..
Something that made God sad and disappointed when He saw me still holding on to it..
God was (and always is) good and blessed me greatly when i let go of that something..
But i was greedy and wanted so much more..
I wasnt contented with what He gave me..
And so i let go of that blessing..
Not for nothing..
For i had set my sights on something else..
God was (and still is) good and again..despite my utter selfish nature n worldly craving..
He again blessed me with something..
But right now..i realised that God is trying to teach me a lesson..
He's trying to show me that the something He has given..or rather the something He allowed to happen as I really wanted..isn't something i can accept..
It didnt turn out the way i really wanted it to be..
No fairy tale ending..
At least not yet..
Im still in the midst of grappling with the situation..
And still insisting I can find a solution to create the happy ending..
This time..i really got so much more than i bargained for..
And somehow..i know i wont get the something i wanted so badly..
Its just not for me..and God is trying to show me that only He knows whats best for me..
Yet..i can't humble myself to admit im wrong..
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