the contented princess...

its true.
when u let go of the crazy things uve been clinging on so tightly to,
life becomes so much better.
you get this amazing feeling of ten thousand pounds being lifted off your shoulders.
all at once.
and all is made more satisfying when u give it up to GOD.

i really thank God for people who make my life so much sweeter.
you know who u guys are.
ha.
and pun not intended on the word "sweeter".
(ref. sneaking out for icecream supper)

oh and i just have to add this.
im gonna be one really really privileged girl on valentines' day.
HA.
*big fat silly grin*
but of course.
as with all things.
it comes with a price.
tsk.
haha.

has got everything she needs..
everything and so much more..

Realisation...

Ed made me recognize one very important factor today.
He said that at the end of all the searching, if two people wanted to be together they had to be open and have fun chatting with each other.
He asked me to imagine not being able to crap with my boyfriend and commented how boring that would be.

You once said you liked me for me.
But its weird how little you actually know about me.
And its strange how i get tongue-tied when talking to you.
Even more bizarre how we sometimes run out of things to say and talk about.

Ok, enough of the complicated emotionally-weighted issues. heh.
Let me say thanks to three guys who made my night a rather interesting and most definitely laughter-filled one.

Thanks to Edwin, Jun Yuan and Shane.

Who, first and foremost, most gallantly helped me to finish up some food from the buffet spread.
Thanks, you have no idea how much it means to me (and my stomach for the next few days).
Secondly, they relieved me of my boredom during the dinner.
Haha. Ok my relatives arent that boring..its just that i dont usually talk to them so yeah. heh.
Its rather amazing how the four of us managed to talk quite a bit and laugh a little bit more depsite me being (almost) a complete stranger to Jun Yuan and Shane.
Thirdly, for inviting me up to the twelfth floor.
I had always wanted to see how was the view from up there. Sorry i didnt stay long though.

God definitely had His hand in this.
I actually invited him to come over.
But he didnt.
And him not being there allowed me to get to know (and know better for ed) these three crappy guys.
Blessing(s) in disguise.
*Grin*

...is not enough. Its what ure gonna do about it. Will i do anything?

The God of all comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3-6

3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.

Im really really blessed.
Whenever i need answers God always provides it.
His timing is so accurate its unbelievable.
The above verse was from today's message.
And it spoke directly to me.

Thank you Father for taking care of even a speck of dust like me.
I know I need to rely on You for answers and strength but all too often i think i can handle it on my own, ending up being more confused and miserable than before.
Teach me to trust in You and Your precise timing for everything in my life that is to come.
Teach me to pray for faith and not demand.
Teach me to seek Ye first the kingdom of God and not the things of this world.
Teach me to be patient and wait.
Teach me to allow You to work through and in me.

And father i pray for a dear sister.
She needs the peace that surpasses all understanding that can only come from You right now.
Help her to see Your goodness and glory throughout all this heartache.
Show her You love her so much, much more than any human could.
Grant her the victory out of all her pain and suffering through your mercy and grace.
Allow me to just be a friend to her.

God is good.
All the time.

All the time.
God is good.

Amen.

Missing.

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

I think i need a slap.

the wrecked...

unnatural unwillingness to slumber
if nightmares are all i see.
heart-thumping resistance to siesta
when all my dreams are scary to me.

so tired so confused
so close to tears
but never the guts to cry.
engulfed in a self-denial state of false hope.

whirlwind -
tumultous beating down of the truthful lie.
a swift slash across the tender beating flesh.
the core of emotions shadows itself into recluse
dubious knowledge of possibility dashed.

soft-hearted.
sentimental.
sensitive.
sweet.
optimism has its limits.
vulnerablity now takes charge.

...state of mind.body.soul.

Friends.

Took the 151 with Kai Sheng this morning..
Was a lot better than last week cause this week i didnt wake up 20 minutes before leaving the house, which usually leaves me really really horribly grouchy..heehee..
Talked about everything under the sun (as we always do..the bus journy is awfully long)..
Driving, PRC scholars, Shopping, Parents, Allowence, Cars, Soci tutors, Clothes, Relationships, Denial, Chinese New Year and yes that Suckling Pig that im gonna have for my reunion dinner.
And Kai Sheng, im really (really!) not as spoilt as i seem to be.
Ok i should just shut up.
With each word (in my defence) i say i just seem to be sinking deeper in.

Was with Michele before meeting WeeWee for lunch.
Really really fun being with her no matter what we do.
Today we had fun playing "fit-the-key-into-the-correct-door" with the soci storeroom.
Haha.
And sorry about making you line up all over again for my katsu-don!
Heh.
Who else in the world would laugh with (and at me) for doing such a silly and stupid thing but yet still go queue up for me?

Crashed WeeWee's science lecture..
The LT was obviously too small for the amount of people at the lecture..
But we thankfully managed to find two seats side by side..
The LT was so warm too..
The lecturer really sucked..
Try to imagine a china man rattling on about enzymes and other funny chemical and bio terms and names..
Tried to revise a bit of my french but the environment was less than conducive..
WeeWee was bored enough to fold me a hi-chew wrapper flower..haha..thanks!

Nthg much for marketing.
Boring.
Its too much like econs.
The only good thing out of it?
Michele, Gina, Me and WeeWee are in the same group.
No unsuspecting lazy bugger in my project group.

I realise today that all my friends treat me the same way.
Be it my close friends, my PL friends, my church friends, my NUS friends etc etc..
They all share this common yet unknown-to-them tendency to tease me and treat me like a xiao mei mei.
Haha.
As Kai Sheng puts it "i subconciously try not to do it".
Right.
But its okay.
I dont mind.
Heh.
Maybe thats why.

Would he lie to me?
Why would he lie to me?
I dare not ask either one of them what in the world is going on.
This is just not getting me anywhere.
I just need to know the truth.
From the horse's mouth.
Are you even intending to tell me at all?

Friends. Just friends.

i love my weekends.

ok before i begin let me dispense a bit of trivial but you-never-know-when-you-might-need-it advice.
Never Ever (i repeat) NEVER EVER put rabbit sweets in the fridge.
They become hard like rock.
Thankfully my teeth are still in tact.

(Kat puts another rabbit sweet into her mouth. She's just too impatient.)

friday was definitely better than i expected.
first of all, econs lecture was hilarious. LT 11 is never cold. But that day me and gina were freezing our asses off. Haha. It was so darn EMPTY. My gosh. I almost wasted to burst out laughing when i went into the LT. And to think i was worried there wasnt going to be space.

Secondly, Soci tutorial was not as bad as i imagined it to be. Made "friends" with the tutor (this is such a highly embarrassing encounter that i dont think i want to or dare to publicize it. ha.) and this year three girl named Vince (pronounced Vin-See) and FINALLY there are cute guys in my tutorial class. Haha. So finally i have solved the mystery of the missing cute guys in NUS. They all went either to Archi or Engine fac. I know where im heading to for my cross-fac module. Haha.

Went to chomp chomp to eat with Michele and Ah-sao (my junior). Had sambal stingray, chilli sotong (with tons of onions), fried carrot cake, peanut and sesame tang yuan in peanut soup and a huge cup of sugarcane juice with lemon. Good food. Excellent Company.

Saturday was a good time spent at YF.
It really reminded me of my need to be salt and light on this earth as a christian.
We watched a powerpoint presentation on this girl who was the above to those around her, blessing everyone, not just her friends and family but even those who were shunned by people.
Sadly, she was killed during the shoot-out at Columbine.
It was said that one of the gun-men pulled her hair and shouted to her at gun-point, "are you a christian?" and her reply came bold and convicted, "you know very well the answer is yes."
When i read that, tears came to my eyes.
I realise that honestly, i doubt my ability to do as she did.
Is life so important to me?
Are the things that i have on this earth more precious than what is to come in heaven?
Where is my conviction to spread the amazing word and love of God to the people i care about?

Today, i spent the afternoon in town with my parents.
Retail theraphy at its best.
Haha.
Bought two tops from Fox and a polo tee and bag from Fila.
And yeah. My dad paid for everything.
Haha.
I love it when such things happen.
As in when im completely prepared to pay for the stuff i want but dad comes along and foots the bill.
It just means i have that "extra" money to buy other stuff.
Haha.
Going shopping with Mishie moo on thurs for CNY.
Better buy soon.
Dont fancy rushing with everyone else.

Alright. Gotta go get some work done.
Tmr is a mad mad day.
i start at 10am and i end at 8.30pm.
Pray for me.
Thanks.

Contemplation.

Its hard to feel enthusiastic or want to do something when you arent recognized.
No hard feelings here because im pretty sure it was unintentional.
Just thinking aloud i guess.
Trying to come to a decision to michele's question.
Its not that i dont wanna agree.
Its not that i dont wanna serve.
But as of the above, its hard.

Its almost impossible to look or think or talk to someone as before when you know things are different now.
But its weird how he acts so oblivious as though nothing has happened.
And if he really is what he is then someone isnt going to be too happy about the way he treats and talks to me.
Maybe shawn got his infomation all wrong.
Then again i highly doubt Shawn would lie to me about such a thing, or even lie to me at all.

Anyway, thanks to Corlissa for being worried about me.
Heh.
I worry about u too my dear sister.
We will meet up soon ok?
:)

the eternal optimist...

You Are the Enthusiast

7 You are outgoing and playful - always seeing the happy side to life. You're enthusiastic and excitable. You love anything new. Multi-talented, you do many things well... and find success easy. You prefer to keep things light with others. Opening up is hard for you.

What number are you?

and so the eternal optimist will rise to her feet again..

she will, with God's unfailing love and grace, pick herself up and get on with life..

actually. im not as affected as i thought i would be. maybe its 'cause i was kinda expecting it.

well let's just hope it doesnt give me more problems than it already has.

in fact it seems to have helped me a wee bit in my lil predicament.

but yes.

Nothing is too big or too small for God to handle.

And He never ever lets me go.

Be it in a quiet pasture or by a gentle stream

The Shepherd of my soul is by my side;

Should I face a mighty mountain or a valley dark and deep

The Shepherd of my soul will be my guide.

everything happens for a reason...

from shawn not being able to get the same tutorial as me and gina,
to him knowing swi cause they're in the same elang tutorial,
to them coming in for elang lecture together,
to meiyen not really wanting to sit beside shawn during lecture,
to swi changing places so that meiyen could sit beside her resulting in shawn sitting beside me,
to shawn mustering up the courage to risk slight embarrassment and ask me something,
to him telling me about that very important fact.

thanks shawn.
i mean it.
thanks for telling me.
and thanks for the two hours of non-stop hilarity.

You.

pause.break.silence.
unfeeling.unsure.unfathom.
who could ever understand.
who could ever realise.
i dont need a "who".
i just need "you".

i dreamt a nightmare...

they say your dreams show you what you subconsciously want, think, feel.

i dreamt.
i thought it showed me what i really wanted.
it was bliss initially.
then it became a nightmare.
i was still torn.
and i tried to run away.

even my dreams are confused as to what my heart aches for.

irresolute.

im torn.
the mind worn.

broken apart inside.
desperate desire to hide.

stretched to the limit.
the soul too timid.

confusion ravages the mind.
running out of time.

this semester is just going from bad to worse..

first round of bidding for tutorials have eneded.
the results?
a whole load of rubbish.
honestly, the rankings all dont make sense.
a friend who put a particular timeslot(s) as his 1st and 2nd choice didnt get either.
some people only got 2 out of 5 of their tutorials.
some people got timeslots that they didnt even rank.
others got tutorials at completely horrible timings.

so basically the bidding system has failed terribly.
succeeding only in pissing off tons and tons of people.
me (definitely) included.
at least me mish and gina all got into the same marketing tutorial :)

There's something therapeutic about doing the dishes
and amazingly i do it not against my wishes
perhaps its because
i think its the perfect gesture of appreciation to the cook
for all of the heartfelt effort and love that she took
without a breather or a pause.

rendered helpless..

what do you do when someone has a problem?
what do you do when someone has a problem and turns to you for help?
what do you do when someone has a ginormous problem and turns to you for help?
what do you do when someone, who is extremely close to you, has a ginormous problem and turns to you for help?
what do you do when someone, who is extremely close to you, has a ginormous problem and turns to you for help but you cant and dont know what to do?

1230 - my hair, after taking its own sweet time, was finally dry
0100 - about to sleep
0130 - the call on my hp came
0530 - the call ended, the friend crying and the other crying for the friend

i've never been more helpless than before.
this person really means so so so much to me, perhaps more than i'll ever admit.
and it hurts so bad not to be able to provide a solution or even a temporary comfort.
all i can do now is to kneel down and pray.

The bumps and bruises along life's way
Are softened when you stop and pray...
God will always listen to you
Gently guiding all you do...

this is really the bane of my existance..

the visitor invades without conscience
and mercilessly etches itself to the physical being
draining the body of each ounce of strength
with every drip of crimson life...

and sorry gina..so sorry girl..

So how was your wednesday?

i absolutely hate taking the bus in the mornings during office rush hour..today it took me one and a half hours just to get to school..the jam at hougang alone was almost half an hour..bah..and the 151 wasnt an air-conditioned one..so it was a really rickety-rack journey all the long long way to NUS..

maketing lecture wasnt too bad..i thought the lecturer was a bit weird at the beginning though..haha..he was playing classical music before class started with everyone still streaming in..heh..and he tells horrifically lame jokes that NO ONE laughs at..haha..just ask Gina..we were rolling our eyes every single time he tried to be funny..haha..but i suppose his lack of joke-telling-success makes him rather entertaining..heh..

hhaa..took the wrong shuttle bus from biz ad..thankfully i realised it (while Gina was happily smsing away) and got off before we ended up at PGP..haha..the frequency of 95 is really terrible..we waited until i asked gina "are u sure 95 comes to this bus stop"..haha..i returned Joel's missed call there too..and it was funny cause somehow he was driving along past the bus stop opposite the central library and i think he saw me so that silly bugger actually stopped the car in the middle of the road just to see me talking to him on my handphone while he was talking to me on his..haha..too bad i had to meet my parents later if not i would have joined him and shawn for lunch..

accompanied Gina to buona vista to get her bus pass done..haha..silly girl lost her bus pass and has to pay a freakin' 21bucks just to get it replaced..so here's a warning to all..dont misplace your bus pass! its not worth it! haha..left her shortly though..had to be at kovan station by 1.30pm..

There wasnt any jam at the causeway (thankfully!) and we headed to city square to shop..the place is huge..haha..Malaysia really has too much land..many many many shops..wanted this pair of shoes but they didnt have my size..phooey..vinnci doesnt exactly have very nice shoes either..what happened to their old designer? come back please! haha..bought a Aeropostale's tee, a Levis tee and a pair of Levis shorts..ok im sorry but im a huge Levis fan..haha..and i like going into the Levis in Malaysia because the staff are more friendly..in Singapore they always give me a horridly bad impression and are most unhelpful may i add..like how they screwed up my alteration..but lets not get into that shall we..

Dinner was at my aunty's house..haha..as always..good food..had wild boar cooked in this awesome milk-based soup with tau kee and peppercorns..stir-fried veggies..fried fish and chinese-style omelette..heh..and my niece is awfully cute..but naughty as most kids are..haha..she almost pulled my bracelet out in her insistance to want to try it on..tsk..heh..looked at photos of shanghai, hainan dao and hongkong..think my parents wanna go one of these places during my 3month break..i dont mind..haha..as long as shopping and dim sum is included in the programme :)

haha..im talking to my neighbour who stays in the same block as me but on the twelveth floor through msn right now..pretty interesting huh..so here's a "hey there!" to Jun Yuan..haha..here's one for you:

The same country, the same side.
The same area, the same night.
Just me and my neighbour
Talking under the moonlight.


well..mine was a day well spent with my friends, parents and family...

My first day of school...
(ok actually its the first day of semester 2..)

Our favourite meeting place, Kent Ridge Bus Terminal

Fooling around after buying books from the co-op..my elang textbook cost me $30.30! :(

Check out mishie's new hairstyle..lookin' good babe!

Waiting for the 151 home..and so begins the dreaded long journey..

ok its us again..but the bus was taking awfully long to come..

Gina and her poor friend (verbally abused by gina!!!) Jacob..haha..

liar liar pants on fire...

if there's one thing i hate,
its how changing room mirrors lie.
it disguises my chubby fate
and the perfect reflection makes me high.

ok.
sorry about the really cheesy poetry.
but forgive me.
school starts tomorrow.
tsk.

i hate the bidding system...

ok i predict a terrible semester 2 of my first year in nus...

first of all, due to the bidding system i wont be doing any literature modules this semester.
which absolutely sucks.
the only reason im in arts is because i want to do lit.
but ok. stupid me.
i didnt declare lit as my major.

secondly, im a little afraid, ok make that a little more than afraid of the coming semester.
all my modules seem to be rather difficult and heavy.
ive gotten four modules so far.
econs - i like econs but i did get a C for the As...
E lang - ok this one isnt too bad...
Sociology - im praying hard this module is interesting...at least amanda is taking it too
French - ok this is the real killer..two lectures per week..tests every week..its not that i dont wanna learn it..im just afraid..i really dont wanna screw it up..as it is i completely suck at chinese..what makes me think i can do well/ok for french?

now im left with marketing to bid for..i rather management and organisation but ive got GB at 1530 on fridays and the lecture clashes..
sigh..and frm what i heard..marketing is a lot of work and presentations and projects..
*deep sigh*

God i really really need your help......

the guys in my life...

these past weeks ive really been catching up with the guys..

Jim took a really really long leave from army so he was pretty much freeeeeeeeeee the past week..
saw him really often from YF camp to the bbq to christmas eve to christmas morning to christmas afternoon to christmas evening to new year's day itself to that night when we went to catch corrinne may at the esplanade to sunday service/school..
haha..
thats a little bit too much of jim in about a week!
but yeah..thanks a lot fella..thanks for always being there and showing up when i least expect it..thanks thanks thanks..thanks for just being a great friend to me and amanda! :)

didnt really meet up with rongcai but met him and jim to catch corrinne may..
it was actually his idea..haha..amazing..i never expected him to be into such things..but as he phrased it..its his quest to be cultured..haha..sounds like vitagen or something..
anyway the train/bus ride home with him was really funny..
haha..
kept teasing him about being already so old (i shan't disclose any numbers here) yet being without a girlfriend and he was like joking about how literally everyone in church is asking him whether he needs help in finding a girlfriend and pushing him to get married!
im no exception my god-brother!
oh and thanks for sending me all the way to my door step that night..much appreciated :)

had dinner with edwin before meeting up with the above two to head to the esplanade..
it was really pure coincidence..heh..
was just chatting with him and we were both heading out at around the same time so we decided to have dinner together..
though dinner wasnt in the best setting (we settled for macs at PS but had to sit outside surrounded with smokers..argh) but the company more than made up for it..
we gotta have another meal together ed..it wasnt nearly enough time talking to you! and i just realised u had the honour of having the first dinner of the year 2005 with me! haha! oh! and lets remember to take our "red" photo if it ever happens again yeah? :)

met wee wee yesterday and joined the infamous queue to eat at crystal jade taka for dinner..
bad move though..'cause we were supposed to go shopping..haha..but by the time we were done with dinner it was already nine o'clock..heh..it didnt help that the staff took ten minutes just to settle my bill..
wanted to get my really belated gift for mig but somehow all the nice stuff are missing from the shelves especially now since everywhere is having sale (which translates into a time to get rid of the really ugly clothes)..
we actually walked around just to convince ourselves that yes, everywhere is CLOSED..haha..
we literally walked a-round starting from wisma towards tangs to lido to wheelock and back to wisma again where we finally had our 25cent icecream at macs..
haha..hey we gotta go shopping again! i still dont know what its really like to shop with you..haha..we'll check out the live entertainment we walked past (and heard) at wisma another time too yeah? maybe when u drive so i can stay out later..oh and thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks for the cookies! though thats no excuse for making me wait and of all places orchard mrt station :P

And then there's you..
you smsed me at 1.18am just to tell me you're not gonna stay in hall anymore..
and you "insisted on disturbing my peaceful sleep" knowing full well that "my sleep can wait" just to reply you..
i really would have taken your offer for "dinner" but there's absolutely no way my parents would let me out 1.32am..
and guess what..my mum keeps asking me to show her the photo my dad took for us during the bbq..

and who can forget you?
the bbq really made me realise that it has always been you..no matter what happens..
i still enjoy talking to you and u never change..always cutting short our conversations just to run off to play your game..
and i think you're "bored" enough to be reading this..heh..
so yeah lets meet up once we've got each other our presents alright?

Something about you...

Dont what you do to me but
Everytime I'm with you its a natural high
its like re-discovering Eden
with chocolate-coated rainbows and cotton candy skies
And everytime you look my way
I wish i had the guts to say...

There's something in your eyes
Something in your smile
Something in the way you move me
You make me want to sing
Make me want to dance
Make me want to cry
I'm falling in love with you.

I think i'll hire Cupid
He'll make you see I'm more than your friend
You'll be tossing and turning
Counting the hours til you see me again
And when we meet you'll
Kiss my hand and say the words I've longed to hear...

so how has your 2005 been so far?

mine's been pretty crappy actually.

1. I missed camp echo! (someone tell me who my angel is?pleassssssse?)
2. went home after watchnight service feeling rather cheesed off due to a whole load of misunderstanding and absolute frustration (But all is well now..i hope)
3. Brother totally messed up on sunday morning resulting in me getting a mouthful from my mum (like hello, i didnt do anything wrong)
4. And my wound is gonna leave behind memories on my leg..and from the looks of it, its gonna be an ugly permanent reminder. (this photo was taken a day after the incident. it doesnt show the hideous state of the wound now in its awful peeling process)

But ok, not all has been all doom and gloom :)

1. apparently i didnt miss much for camp echo..haha
2. I had a special delivery of a box of chocolates (all the way from USA!) at 3.30am on the 1st of jan just to cheer me up
3. Caught Corrinne May at the esplanade on saturday evening
4. The awesome dinner eased the pain of sunday morning scolding yesterday

And to end it all off..a pic..just for pure entertainment and laughs..that would hopefully perk up anyone who has had as horrid (ok im just exaggerating) a start to 2005 as me..enjoy!

And one more thing..to JOY BOO:

Sorry i cant go out today girl! but i promise to meet up with you before you go alright? i miss u tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons... (ok you get the idea right? :))

So how has your year been?

Let's see..
2004 has been a rather exciting and painful year i guess.

I pretty much wasted 7 months of this year doing nothing productive whilst waiting for the uni term to begin in august. i was working at the uniform shop but that ended just before chinese new year. bummed around. slacked around. mopped around. until my mum couldnt stand me being at home anymore. haha. especially since i was still getting my allowence but she was buying lunch back for me everyday. haha. did find a job later helping jim's mum with her school work which was quite an experience since it gave me a taste of what its like to be a teacher. endless marking of work that is half-heartedly done and tons of prep work and staring at the computer screen. but it wasnt really work i guess. i was earning but believe me, it was easy money. lunch was even provided by jim's grandma and everday it was yummilicious food.

Moved in to my new house in june in time for my brother to celebrate his 21st birthday here. It was a lot of hassle especially since i only really started clearing out my room a month before the big shift. i never knew i had so many stuff. but it was difficult clearing out my things because it seemed as though everything was worth something. so much memories flooded me as i went through every book, every letter, every paper, every photo, every thing. i suppose im someone who really hoards stuff. i think i brought half my room over to this new place. hehe. and half the things in the bomb shelter belongs to me!

The month June was the worst for me. Too many things happened. Was painful. Even church camp was quite an emotional experience that led to what i thought was good but in the end was nothing gained. I made a decision that was incredibly difficult but i knew was the right thing to do. But now even as i type, i feel a sense of regret and almost guilt. During that month and thereafter i was ok. Everything seemed to be going ok, on the right track. I was preoccupied with the single life, really living it up, enjoying this new found freedom. But...

The start of Uni life proved to be quite an experience. Bidding especially which im in the midst of doing right now. haha. choosing modules, making new friends, orientation week, getting lost in campus, dealing with really lousy project mates and the ridiculously long journey to and fro school. uni life also meant dealing with new emotional disturbances. haha. my solidity and constancy was disturbed. tsk. and i didnt even ask for it...

so even as i start a new year..im starting it with a conflict-ridden heart but yet with optimism and trust in God. if there's one thing i learnt this year its the need to trust in God with all my heart, mind and soul. That no matter what, God is always there to lead us through and get us through the darkest valley and highest mountain. It sounds cliche but too much has happened that just reminds me of His love for me. And sadly, He constantly has to remind us year in and year out because we fail to believe and have faith in Him.

ok, think i'll end this really long entry in typical new year's fashion, resolutions:

1. I would say stop lying but lets be more realistic shall we, Lie Less. Ha.
2. Use my pool more often!
3. Eradicate Cs from my results.
4. Spend less money on shopping.
5. And the most important of them all, Live a life worthy of being called God's child :)

Have a great 2005 ahead everyone!

Divine consultation...

Dear God,
Just a little question.

You knew all this would happen.
You knew how i would react to everything.
You knew i would be sent on yet another emotional rollar-coaster.
You knew things wouldnt just end there and then.

So why do You have to put me through it all?

one night. so many emotions.

i had an absolute blast tonight, except for one small wee part which i will talk more about later.

i was really worrying about the bbq that i organized.

i was afraid there would not be enough people to finish all the food my mum bought.
i was afraid the company would clash - my PL friends, jeremy mark miguel, YFers and Joel.
i was afraid i wouldnt be good enough a hostess to all of them.

BUT

there was still leftovers but not as much as i expected.
the company didnt exactly clash nor did they mix but it wasnt too bad.
i entertained joel for the short time he was around, the girls entertained themselves, the YFers busied themselves with the cooking and jeremy mark and miguel entertained themselves.
i was quite a good hostess i guess. i was really running around - from the pit to the house, from the house to the pit, from the pit to the sidegate, from the sidegate to the pit.

had a fantastic time just catching up with the PL girls.
Andrea, Pei 'e, Tingjun, Jiaxin, Huiqian, Jessica, Pei Hoon, Gina.
Just gossiping about the idiosyncrasies of our teachers and hilarious reaccounts with certain individuals whose names i will not disclose for security reasons. haha.
All the laughter and chatter really made me wish i was back in secondary school again.
It was a time where things were much simpler and life has lesser worries.
A time when Pei 'e still stayed in hougang. haha.
But its still ok girl. i still love you as much. hehe.

I did feel this rather cheerless point during the night though.
And i think Andrea noticed it and knew what it was.
Seeing him again was really great but yet i wish i didnt invite him.
I realise that i never really got over him.
Its been almost 6 months but yet when i talk to him its just as comfortable and nice.
And he's still as sweet as he was before.

The fact that he came just for a while also didnt help.
Why did he even bother coming when he had a squash game with his dad and i did tell him that no one else was coming cause they didnt reply my email?
Why did he choose to linger on even when he said he had better go?
Why come all the way back when he made a wrong turn and was already on the highway?
Why did he have to come at all?

Given the ideal situation and chance who would i choose?

in my heart i think i know the answer.
but in my mind i have another answer.

Do i even have the right to choose?

Why is it that what we really desire we never can grasp?

Don't just exist, Live!

Don't just exist, Live!

More to this life

Sometimes i wonder what is life all about,
Full of heartbreak, restlessness and doubt.
Sometimes i feel so tired, i feel like giving up,
What am i striving for, is it worth it all?

Is there more to life than this, more than to simply just exist.
Is there more, is there more?

Can it be that Jesus died for me?
To wash away my sins and set me free?
And by his blood eternal life is now for me,
To know him, my Saviour and my King.

And now i know what life was meant to be,
For i know Jesus paid the price for me.
His dying has given my life new meaning.
Now i live because i live for Him,
Now i live simply just for Him.

Camp ended on Christmas eve and i had a wonderful time.
The scripture union campsite provided not only a comfortable sleeping environment (aircon, bed, pillow) but also delicious home-cooked food as well.
But more than just the physical amenities, what made the camp memorable was it being evangelistic in nature.
During the last night's sharing, what really warmed my heart was the sharing by the non-christians.
Although those who shared did not pray to receive Christ during the camp, their sharing was of the special fellowship they had with the YFers as well as, more importantly, an increase in knowledge and noteworthy interest in the meaning of life from a christian perspective.
The YFers who shared also touched me deeply as they spoke of their changed life after their acceptance of Christ and experiences whereby God pulled them out of the deep waters.

Personally, i learnt much from Chien Chong's messages.
Although evangelistic in nature, his messages were full of reminders for me own life.
The most important was that Jesus Christ is the best role model as a leader, possessing the three greatest traits of a leader: to Direct, Teach and Represent your people.
Something i hope to apply as i continue to seek, serve and follow Christ in the Girls' Brigade.

Everything about the camp was good because God provided and God is good!
Well.
All except the really ugly cut/wound/abrasion on my left leg which is gonna leave a hideous scar.
Phooey.
But God is good. The abrasion is only a superficial surface scratch. Ginormous but nonetheless not serious.

Anyway, photos are up!
Check out the links on the right hand side ok?
Definitely a lot more to come as i go insanely trigger-happy with my beautiful Sony W1.
:)

n i n e t e e n

happy birthday to the little one...

thanks to (in order of appearance) mum, dad, my cousins, my nieces, Joey, Denise, Valene, Charlotte, Ava, Joel, Michele, Zhonghan, Jim, Lindy, Ethel and Gina for their birthday greetings!

thanks to mum and dad for my mini shopping spree at nike women,
thanks to my cousins for the stussy tshirt and bracelet and delicious yam cake,
thanks to Pei 'E and Ting Jun for the really really really pretty chomel bracelet (which is too big! but im still gonna wear it. i love it to bits)
thanks to Joel for my birthday lunch at crystal jade which unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances on my part, (HUGE sigh) never happened,
thanks to my brother who will be giving me my present when he comes back from his crescendo exercise in thailand (and everything better not be fake),
and thanks to Jim and Amanda for the birthday lunch that will happen on sunday afternoon.

Most of all, thanks to GOD
Who created me and knew me even before i was formed in my mother's womb.
Who has been with me every single step i have taken the past 19 years.
Who will continue without fail to guide me and be my source of strength and wisdom till the day i see Him in heaven.

i think i did it again...

sigh...

i know i do stupid things but this has to be the stupidest so far.

hopefully i havent jeopardized the situation.

argh.

when will i get to see you again?

God is good!

His mercies are new every morning...

Im back home, alive and well, only because of HIS grace to me.

I was suffering from gastric flu the whole trip.
Dad had food poisioning on monday night.
But we both recovered sufficiently enough to get through the journey back home.
Especially my dad as he was the driver.

Thank You God.

Break.

im need this hiatus...

hey everyone, i'll be leaving for malaysia tmr.
Will be back on the 15th.
Im still contactable by hp all thanks to singtel's pay-per-use auto-roaming service.
but dont expect a reply by sms though.
heh.
cause u dont pay for sending me an sms but i pay a hefty 50¢ for each one.

Im grateful im leaving tmr.
i really really have to get away before i start to go insane.
i read through the archives of my blog and wow wee its been almost 5months.
im honestly sick of it but i just cant let it go.
argh.
the kind of torture i put myself through.

too much has happened.
too much has been done.
too much has been said.

why.
why have u played such a sick joke on me.
why of all the people in the world have you picked me as your victim.
why.

dont expect anything else from me.
i've done my part.
i've shown you enough.

your obscurity is..is..is is is..painful and disgusting.

i h...ha....hat.....
dammit. i cant say it.
because i dont.

The week is heading in the right direction..

i actually have things to do..

ok my week is definitely getting better, as compared to the dull and lull period of last week.

Sunday - BBQ, food was excellent, dessert was amazing.
Monday - Dinner with my neighbour, tons of laughs and gd food by my mum.
Tuesday - I never knew my mum was such a shopaholic as me. haha.
Wednesday - Ive got little kiddies from my mum's pre-nursery class coming over!
Thursday - Lunch with Charlotte and Amanda. Been ages since i had BK.
Friday - Finally im gonna get my digital camera :)
Saturday - Leaving for Malaysia, KL to shop and Malacca to play.

Hmm. But there's smthg bugging me.
Ive been feeling, or perhaps made to feel like the boy who cried wolf.
Maybe i asked for it.
But now it seems like ive been labelled it.
I suppose i only have myself to blame for the severe disruption of trust.
But am i really at fault? Why do i feel this guilty? Why do i have to keep explaining myself?
Bah Bah Bah.
Bleat bleat bleat.
Why cant i be seen as the sheep instead?
Maybe not the white but perhaps the black sheep.
Having lied, (havent we all?) but yet still a sheep.
Sigh.
Ok i shant let this ruin my whole week.

But i know i wont be able to let it go.
I cant just let it rest.
Its too important to me.

Cogito ergo sum

I think therefore i am.

For the uninitiated, the above is not some egocentric self-elavating statement Descartes proclaimed to make himself feel smart.
Rather it was made in relation to him pondering about his very existence on earth.
He rationalised and came to the conclusion that because he is aware that he is in fact thinking, thus he knows and is certain that he exists.

Two days ago i came across a blog entry that was dated almost a year ago.
And interestingly, i was featured in it.
Quite a substantial portion i should say.
In the entry, the writer described almost perfectly what i was feeling during the event that he was blogging specifically about.

But what really struck me was the fact that during that event i did feel "alone" in terms of how internally i was struggling to react to the situation i was in.
Never could i have imagined that someone else was feeling almost exactly the same way as me that very day, night, event, place, room.
All along i thought i was the only one struggling with my existence as a Christian in the context of where i was, well, to put it in a politically correct term, being educated.
Now i know that there was another who was under the same internal pressure as i gave myself.

I came to read a book my dad borrowed from the church library.
"Philosophy and the Christian faith".
Then i came across Descartes' famous statement.

It got me thinking.
Do we really think?
Do we really use our brains and think?
Do we really use our brains and make God-fearing decisions?
Isnt that the purpose of our very existence?

To many, i suppose it is precisely "thinking" that is the bane of our existence.
We have to constantly think of consequences, and outcomes, and others, this probably being the most difficult of them all, well, to some.
And then there's self-centered thinking.
ME ME ME.

How much more conflicting thoughts does a Christian face.
"And all the while Kathleen stood by one side, still and cross-armed. I wouldn’t want to say, or comment, anything about her; it won’t be nice deliberately singling someone out. Because I know in part how she feels, and I, deep inside, while struggling to present itself against all the wild moods surging out, feel the same way. A Christian against the World. A ferocious onslaught at my, and perhaps her senses too."

"My mind, numbed and dulled, continues to breathe and relieve itself slowly, though it’s only been 2 hours since I left. The supposed shock, the revulsion of disgust, the guilt of being at the peak of the fulfilling of lustful desires, hasn’t passed through me, hasn’t taken me by the throat as it had previously did with every ounce of temptation. I have conformed. For the worse, and like Kathleen, my lingering self on this same night will become a ghost as I struggle to be a Christian God wants me to be."

God sent this as a timely reminder for me.
As i reflect i want to just fall on my knees is tears and beg for forgiveness.
Too many things i have done and said that i regret.
The way i have lived my life, have been displeasing to God and hasnt been even barely satisfactory to my parents, friends.

As i learn and pursue a life of holiness, i hold one thought firm and strong.
My existence on earth is crystal clear to me.
Im on earth to bring praise and glory to my Maker.
The one who is the very reason for my existence.

And i pray my thoughts will be pure.
And i pray my existence will not be in vain.

The holidays are just dragging on...

bored stiff.

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That
you belong with me

You might think
I don't look
But deep inside
in the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you

I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my
heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this
line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to
try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

"True" - Ryan Cabrera

ok the lyrics are for fun.
no hidden agenda or ulterior intentions behind them.
i just like the song. a lot. heh. and ryan cabrera is cute.

anyway back to the purpose of this blog entry.
yes im bored.
im a bored bored bored kat.
it doesnt help that ive been left alone at home for the past three days.
maggie mee for lunch everyday is not gd for the tummy and it starts to taste really awful.
and ive run out of variations to eat the damn stringy wax covered noodles.

but at least, all thanks to my bro, my laptop is up and running again.
so i can chat till the wee hours and not disturb anyone.
except of course the occasional times when i turn up my songs just a lil too loud.
sorry mum and dad. heh.

ok so ive got through pretty much five days of absolute boredom.
im still hoping the holidays will get better.
at least i have a few activities to look forward to:

1. bbq this sunday
2. shopping with my cousin and mum
3. shopping trip to KL and malacca with my cousins
4. youth camp at sentosa
5. Christmas! (and all the prep work that goes along with it)

hmm. but thats pretty much it.
but the holidays are a month long.
and i dont start school till the 6th of jan.
phooey.
someone, anyone, date me out?

It's just gonna be one of those days...

yet i know that God is still good to me...no matter how hard it is to believe that...

first i lost my handphone within a month of getting it.
now its my laptop.
got some stupid virus from..ok i shant name the person..
and now when i click log in user it automatically logs me off.
its friggin pissifying.
all my mp3s, all my documents, all my photos.
Dammit dammit dammit.

but thank God the semester is over so all my work is completely redundant.
and thank God my brother will be back tomorrow who will hopefully help me to fix my lappie.

sigh.
this is the worst way of starting the holidays.
im hoping it'll get better.