God, grant me wisdom, strength and humility..

to embrace, accept, and acknowledge all that has happened..

first and foremost,
exam starts this coming monday.
today is tuesday.
so technically i have 5 more days to study.
right?
wrong.
GB camp on friday to sunday.

before you start screaming at me "has insanity overcome your lucidity?"
i didnt realise that camp actually ended on monday.
i thought it would be alright since camp would break in the early afternoon on sunday, giving me ample time to get home, bathe, revise and sleep.
but apparantly its gonna end at about 10pm after the campfire.
and GB campsite is all the way at sembawang.

i suppose i could have done the idiotically irresponsible thing of backing out then or now when i found out what i have gotten myself into.
but its a commitment.
i dont join things and then back out when i think i cant handle it or it inconveniences me.
im not even involved in most or the main part of the planning and my presence is obviously unnecessary.
but its a commitment.

secondly,
i think perhpas i care too much about things that dont concern me at all.
but i guess thats the way i am.
i actually get more worried for the person than the person him/herself.
im not in charge but hey i feel like maybe it should be checked out to ensure things go smoothly.
Confidence was displayed but i pushed for it to happen.
Genuine concern was the motivation but i dont blame you for seeing it otherwise right now.

i suppose im morbid enough to cause and create deaths and funerals.
and i appear to have weddings every single saturday.
i wanted to help you with the tour.
i felt you should at least run through it and offered to go with you.
i was prepared to skip church and a gazillion other things i could have done on a sat.
but nope.
i decided to be evil and in the end fabricated a wedding to attend so that i could get away with something i initiated and wanted to help you with.

i know i should be addressing you directly but there is an absence of conversational possibility.
you have taken a lot more than your plate can hold and i am well aware of that.
if you're reading this, know that if u need help, esp with GB stuff, thats what im here for.
I dont expect anything in return. I never did.

Much less do i expect you to believe anything i just said.
But at least i tried.

Congrats in getting hold of your wallet again.

God is good all the time.
All the time God is good.

even when i suffer from allergic reactions.
Amen.

in the midst of darkness Lord, my spirit calls for You...

valuable economic asset

the amount i countribute to the economy is ridiculous..

heehee..
the singapore economy should be grateful for people like me..
i just spent $114 on only two tops today..
one from puma..
one from peace angel which by the way has really really really awsome vintage stuff..
oh and the new revamped tangs is not bad too..
i like the layout and the new concept..
too bad this year their signature big banner bearing a verse isnt up..
*sigh*

so yes.
instead of studying at home,
i spent my sunday shopping at tangs.
and im going to watch charlie's angels now.
too bad i dont believe in luck,
because im gonna need A LOT of it to get through my exams.

subtle brainwashing..

haha..and no its not as bad as the title suggests..

Signs that ive been hanging out with Michele and Gina too often:

1. Im beginning to like GREEN
2. Im beginning to accept colour mis-coordination..
3. I feel like eating Jap food very often in the arts canteen
4. Im starting to appreciate GREY
5. My collection of dangly earrings is increasing at an alarming rate
6. I sleep in buses

haha..but dont get me wrong..im not complaining here..
contrary to that..

i absolutely LOVE the two of them!

haha

its just one of those non-sequitor posts.

enjoy.

:)

Handphone misplaced.
Flurried conduct screams of haste.
Monosyllabic combat.
Spiteful intentional so you never forget.

it's been a pretty interesting day..

though at the expense of mishie moo..heehee..

first interesting tidbit of the day:
note: the first part of this entry is dedicated to the one and only mishie moo moo cow..

let me say that she's one strong girl who doesn't let circumstances affect her as much as it would affect me..haha..

today her beautiful butterfly slipper broke..
the part which she thought she had repaired flawlessly gave way..
the day had barely even started..
from the bus stop all the way to the co-op shop (in hope they would sell slippers there) her attempts at re-connecting the slipper with a safety pin faltered almost seven times..
when we got to the co-op there was no slippers..
and guess what?
they had just ran out of safety pins..
what were the odds of that happenning on that very day when we needed it the most?

the story had a good ending..
though not all that happy cause her slipper is spoilt..(duh~)
heh..
she bought super-glue from the co-op and did a pretty decent job of reapiring her slippers..good enough to last her through out the rest of the day..

but what i really wanna say is that she faced up to the situation and made the best of it..
if i were caught in that dilemma..
honestly i think i would be utterly pissed, whine, get all worked up and frustrated and take a cab home pronto..
i wouldnt have been able to even bring myself to go to class..
i would have hopped on the first cab i saw..
this we both agreed would be my reaction..
haha..
you know me too well mishie moo!

second interesting tidbit?
i saw him in the canteen today..
ahahahhaa..
honestly i couldnt really recognize him..as in i didnt really realise it was him at the fruit juice queue..
i didnt give much thought to it and so i turned around in respond to Michele wanting to sit back there..
haha..
he was like "hey dont walk away!"
so yeah..
for a brief maybe 3 minutes we talked and he was on the run again..off to class..
i think he said something about seeing me after his class but too bad i left school after mishie moo was done with her Jap dory curry bento thingy and my chinese pear juice..
he ended class late at 7 anyway..

but.actually.hmm.
ikindawishineversawhimtoday.
dontaskmewhy.
evenidontknow.

the day ended off well.
reached home in time for singapore idol.
coupled with a sumptous dinner (as always) by my mum.

i am no doubt blessed. :)

Desperation..

How come i dont long after You?

This is the air i breathe..
This is the air i breathe..
Your holy presence..
Living in me..

This is my daily bread..
This is my daily bread..
Your very words..
Spoken through me..

And i, im DESPERATE for You..
And i, im LOST without You..

How many of us can actually say we're desperate for the Lord?
the Webster dictionary defines the word as having lost all hope and being moved by depair..
we indeed have no hope in men or any of the things of this earth..
for everything will fade away..will perish..

but we know all this..
all this bible knowledge that we have been taught since young..
we know it all so well we can rattle on flawlessly..
we can regurgitate every line every phrase every verse..

but being desperate for the Lord?

i definitely lack this spirit of wanting God so much..
the desire to worship Him all through the day..
having the consciousness and actions that show how much i love Him..

I was just packing my stuff and putting my bible back on my shelf..
then it struck me..
how many times do i read, much less open, my bible during the week?
my bible has a spot on my shelf..
it looks neat and tidy..and it fits in perfectly..
but is this what its supposed to be?

its time to do some serious soul-searching..

teach me to live your love,
help me to give your love,
show me your way,
Lord i'll obey,
and live your love..

if what i think is true
then i have every reason to hate you

it was all a friggin waste of time
and dammit
why must everything i type rhyme

Shrouded in confusion..

yes? no? i really dont know..

hey mish..
aren't you glad we decided to stay and not skip the GB outing for mac breakfast?
haha..
i had quite a fun time just hanging out with you, ah sau and the teachers..
slowly im trying to get to know the teachers better and hopefully it works out to be vice versa..
really hope the camp, both, will turn out to be a success..
though its gonna be rather stressful with the exams starting the next day i still have faith we will be able to enjoy and learn much from the camp(s) and of course that we'll be prepared for our papers!

had lunch with Ms Ho, Sharon, Mish and Ah sau at the Junction 8 Crystal Jade..
Too bad that outlet didnt have the big bowl of la mien or my xiao long baos..
but i had the century egg congee, braised hor fun with prawns and scrambled egg, siew mai and the chee cheong fun with char siew inside..
was a really really really good lunch..
not only was the food good but the company was excellent, a hundred upon a hundred! :)

well..
today Ms ho asked me if i wanted to attend BOTC..
honestly i was quite shocked..
i mean..i didnt think she would ask me..
maybe she asked me because she asked michele and Ms Seah was going and i happened to be there..
i immediately said "no" and ms ho, sharon and mish replied in unison "why???"
haha..
then i realised..hmm..i myself have no idea why i wasnt going..
afraid of what?
committment? capability? competency? caliber?

i know i want to serve in GB..
my motive for coming back to GB after so long is clear..
and its to help the devotion committee which seems to be faltering and in dire straits..
because to me devotion is what makes GB different from the girl guides or any other uniform group..

God help me to make the decision..help me to make the choice that would be pleasing in your sight and would help me to use what you have given to me to show and spread Your undescribable love to all around me..

my other "confusion"?
Your Obscurity.

My not so interesting life..

mundane..ordinary..typical..humdrum..plebian..

This week -->

• monday: futile visit to People's Association but had a blast with michele at Kallang mac
• tuesday: absolute tiredness
• wednesday: i dont even wanna recollect the days events..hurhur..too grotesque
• thursday: saw you, told you, you asked me why i didnt say hi, i wonder myself too
• friday: SEA tutorial presentation, gd time with mishie moo at junction 8
• saturday: GB meeting after soooooooo long, unproductive trip to united square, cut my hair
• sunday: i foresee a day of rushing my SEA research paper, jap and lit presentation

Next week -->

• monday: finalize jap presentation (sachio would kill me if he read knew i used "jap")
• tuesday: jap presentation and deadline for SEA research paper
• wednesday: finalize lit presentation
• thursday: lit presentation, rush philo essay
• friday: hand up philo essay
• saturday: GB outing to east coast park! brownies and muffins, should i give some to you?
• sunday: hopefully a *hiatus*

so you see how boring my life is..
everything is like about school..school..schooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool..
deadlines, essays, reports, presentations..
i guess that pretty much summarizes up uni life..
hmm..
and i guess there's still the "you" person to make life..er..a little more interesting?
ha. right. i dont even wanna give you that much credit.
haha..
but life is good cause ive got great friends by my side
:)

the eternal optimist is still going on strong...

Just when you thought nothing could get any worse..

More things come flying right smack in your face..

the past months have been rather trying times for me..

so many issues have i been forced to grapple with..
situations that have nothing to do with me..
situations that directly involve me..
situations that affect no one but me..

so many decisions have i been forced to make..
decisions that bring happiness to someone else..
decisions that bring dolefulness upon myself..
decisions that bring no outcome at all..

some i have been through and have emerged victorious..
some i have been through and have emerged on the losing end..

and there are some that i am still going through..
and there are some that i have yet to fully detach myself from..

But more things have been shoved straight into my face..
On top of the things i have yet to fully resolve..

But
the
eternal
optimist
will
live
on
.

i
hope
and
i
pray
.

The Brick...

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it..

A young and successful executive was
traveling down a neighborhood street,
going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar.

He was watching for kids darting out
from between parked cars
and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, no children appeared.

Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!

He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to
the spot where the brick had been thrown.

The angry driver then jumped out of the car,
grabbed the nearest kid and
pushed him up against a parked car shouting,

"What was that all about and who are you?
Just what the heck are you doing?
That's a new car and that brick you threw is
going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

The young boy was apologetic.
"Please, mister..please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,"
He pleaded.
"I threw the brick because no one else would stop..."

With tears dripping down his face
and off his chin, the youth pointed to a
spot just around a parked car.

"It's my brother," he said.
"He rolled off the curb and fell
out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive,
"Would you please help me get him back into his
wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling
lump in his throat

he hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into
the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the
fresh scrapes and cuts.

A quick look told him everything was going to be okay..
"Thank you and may God bless you,"
the grateful child told the stranger.

Too shook up for words, the man simply watched
the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the
sidewalk toward their home

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar.
The damage was very noticeable,
but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side
door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message

Don't go through life so fast that someone
has to throw a brick at you to get your attention.
God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts.
Sometimes when we don't have time to listen,
He has to throw a brick at us.
It's our choice to listen or not.

God didn't promise days without
pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He
did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears, and light for the way

Pictorial Memories..

Images deeply etched in my heart..

When my computer crashed on me the last time..
I was deliriously devastated and frantically frustrated..
Not because i couldnt use the computer (i had to wait till my bro got back from camp)..
But rather the rancid realisation that i had lost all the photos i took with my digi cam slapped me horrendously hard..

Thankfully, i managed to upload some of my photos..
And yeah..
I was just going through some of them while taking a break from my never-ending south east asia research paper..
so..
thought i'd share some of my favourites with all of you out there..
enjoy! :)


First three months at SRJC..
Michele, Me, Michelle, Felicia, Christina and Sufen (who was taking the photograph)..
Loads and loads of fun there..
Skipping lectures..tolerating "racial prejudice" during econs tutorials..sleeping in the homely library..folding cranes everywhere..flunking just about every test..winning the debate competition..
1A01..
Undoubtedly the best class..


Presenting the Bhangra boys of AD4 performing at suntec city..
Haha..no not all of them are from AD4..
This really reminds of the bhangra craze ACJC experienced all thanks to Jas, Kevin, Shaun and Mike..


Studying session at BK heartland mall..
Desperately trying to cram some obscure (it was only about one month away from the As!) econs concept into the overworked and undersized brain..
I think the cd (of really really bad songs) BK was playing repeated itself five times while i was there..
Thankfully i had my discman with me..


The day i turned 18..
Met at Taka Seoul Garden but ended up at the Glass house Fish and co..
I can still remember how delicious the Banana Chocolate Mousse cake tasted..
The company (needless to say) was incredible..
Love you all my pretty babes..


NUS Freshmen Inaguration Ceremony..
It was also my first day attending O week..
Was the most boring ceremony i have ever attended..
Haha..
But im glad cause id never have the chance to attend it again..at least not as a freshman..heh..
And this one's dedicated to my two fantastic friends Gina and michele..
Ok so this one was from gina's camera..haha..but how could i not include one from NUS?


And finally..
This is my absolute favourite photo..
I wish i never had to let you go..
I will never forget the two years we spent together..
All the laughter, fun, pain and tears we shared..
I only have you to thank..
Thank you..

Its not the amount of time spent that matters..

but its really the company..

Finally after so so so so so so so so so so long i got to meet up with Pei 'e again!
She came over to my place to see the new house..
Haha..can u imagine the last time she came the house was still completely bare..
Gosh..now that was really quite some time ago..

Though it was only for a few short hours, I had a great time with her..
She's been and still is one of my really good friends..
Despite not seeing each other for such a long period of time, much less talking and all,
We had absolutely no problem in just talking and talking and talking and gossiping and talking..
Haha..
Everything just came up..from me asking her about her bf (which i personally do not exactly like) to teachers and studying overseas and even giving birth..haha..which details i shall not disclose for some might be eating while reading my blog entry..

Thanks girl..i really hope that you wont move too far away from hougang..as it is we're so near yet we hardly get the chance to meet up!
Do take care and please please please keep in touch alrighty?
If you do go overseas to further your studies (which i selfishly hope you dont..) u MUST tell me ok?
Have fun on your trip to bangkok!
Love ya!

on a little sidenote,
i really have no idea what to say to you.
i really have no idea how to treat you.
i really have no idea how i should feel towards you.
i really have no idea whether i should be hopeful.

But why do i care?
YOU screwed everything up.

Maybe i should just forget you.
The illusive YOU.

Trouble trouble everywhere..

but remember that HE does care..

GOD is not our escape from trouble;
Neither is HE our shield against trouble.
Rather, HE is an ever present help in times of trouble.
GOD does not "trouble proof" HIS children;
Instead, HE proves HIMSELF when we face trouble.

AMEN! :)

my little wishlist..

now all i need is a genie who grants more than 3 wishes..

in the midst of all the essays and readings and basically the state of being busy i have managed to have quite a few different ideas of what i wanna do and where i wanna go pop up in my mind, battling for space among all the facts and unidentifiable words.

so here it is.
before i forget some.
ha.

- go to the zoo to see the white tigers
- go to the night safari
- go to my favourite spot at east coast park
- go to geylang for supper: frog leg porridge and tau huay
- go to wala wala to engage in the jazz atmosphere and for the drink michele owes me
- go to brewerks to try the strawberry beer
- go to the esplanade to watch a play/musical/anything
- go to ikea to eat sweedish meatballs and buy my kiddie hangers
- go to queensway to indulge in nike dri-fit tops and 90¢ earrings

anyone wants to volunteer to drive me around?
anyone wants to sponsor my activities?

haha.

Just Kidding.

my ears still hurt. phooey. its very very very (did i mention very?) annoying.

i am not a happy kat..

but yet i still have the J-O-Y in my little heart..

- my msn is still screwing up on me

- both my ears are blocked and im getting extremely annoyed

- my bank account is close to zilch

- school work is piling up

- YOU

You want to have ALL your cake and eat it.
You were just manipulating words last night.
You have succeeded in confusing me even more than before.
You amazingly managed to piss me off quite badly.

Do you even know what you want?

I am so lost i cant even cry.
I dont even know how or what to feel.
I have no idea what emotions to embrace.
I am suffering from numbness of reaction.

I wish i could make you disappear.
I wish i could tell you to leave me alone.
I wish i could reverse time.
I wish i had never met you.

I wish i could wish all these wishes.

But i know i cant bring myself to wish all these..

I'm losing sight of YOU..

Father hold me close and never let me go for I stray so easily...

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that thou art;
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

Be thou my Wisdom, and thou my true Word;
I ever with thee and thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, and I thy true son,
Thou in me dwelling, and I with thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise;
Thou mine inheritance, now and always;
Thou and thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my treasure thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

stupid blogger..

look what it did to my layout..

and i cant fix it..
i mean..
hello..
do i look like some IT g33k..
haha..
no offence there..
but yes..
help..
its making my blog look ugly..
as if the skin isnt plain enough..
phooey..

Call me..Beep me..If you wanna reach me..

(title stolen from Disney channel's Kim Possible)

As the title suggests..
I have been reconnected to the world again..
Haha..
I got myself a new handphone..
Which means im utterly broke..
The tiny little device has set me back 298buggers..
Sigh..
But i suppose its worth it..
I love my new handphone..
Its the Samsung S600..
The one that looks like my previous handphone..
But this one comes with a camera..

So yes..
Im once again contactable..
:)



and im still hoping you would sms me..
someone shoot me for being such a sucker..
but i cant help it..
i feel so.............................
argh.

Rendered speechless...

......................................................................

Me: Hello
(20 minutes later)
A: okay...there is positively NO response
A: i feel so WANTED heh
A: take care babe
A: im off to bed

My first thought was "wtf".
Never in my entire life (so far at least) have i come across someone with such a massive and gargantuan ego.
Your ego must be even more ginormous than a zillion of JLo's butt put together.
I am so absolutely appalled, horrified and digusted.

Perhaps by some freak chance i may be interpreting it wrongly.
But i highly doubt.
Too bad you wont get a chance to defend youself.
Too bad you wont get to read this post.
HA.

You sicken, repulse and nauseate me.

Someone slap me for saying hello.
Then again.
Someone slap you.

I wish i had the gift..

But im still just me..

If I had the gift of writing..I'd write you a new song everyday..
If I had the gift of singing..I'd sing to you all i want to say..
If I had the gift of drawing..I'd draw you everytime i hold a pen..
If I had the gift of dancing..I'd dance for you up till the end..

But I'm not someone who writes or sings..
Or have any of those amazing things..
I'm just a simple person who knows how to smile..
And hopefully you too will, in a while..

Handphone update ::
Four days without a handphone..
But I'm doing very well these few days..
Guess i dont really need a handphone..
Maybe im already out of the craze..

Thank You..

I'm always surrounded by people who love and care for little me..

Last night and this morning just made me realise how blessed i am..
All too often we take the people around us for granted..
Especially those who are constantly by our side..
And even those whom we have hurt badly..
They all, truely by God's grace and mercy, appear at the right place and the right time..
Thank You.

Edwin :: Thanks for coming over last night..though it was just for a while it was really nice just standing outside talking to you..let's have coffee one day yeah? I'll bake too! and hopefully it'll be windy..haha..i think its just you..thanks for also helping me to realise that its just not worth it..sometimes i just need someone to force me to wake up and accept reality..

Miguel :: Though i highly doubt u'd get to read this..but thanks so much for spending almost two hours talking to me last night even though u were playing your game and talking to 3 other people..thanks for humouring me when you found out i couldnt get to sleep..and thanks for agreeing to be my aunt agony! haha :)

Mishie moo moo cow :: Thanks for having that late night/early morning conversation with me..through it i found out quite a bit about myself..like how i do have some evilness in my blood..haha..and how i would probby get myself into trouble due to my inclination to say yes to everything..haha..thats why i need you to take care of me! im looking forward to more supper sessions!

To everyone else :: Just because i dont specifically put your name down doesnt mean you're not appreciated..i thank God for the presence of each and everyone of you in my life..i pray i would be able to be the good friend back to you as you are to me..take care everyone :)

footnotes ::
- i still dont have a hp..its already the 3rd day..phooey.
- i just spent a bomb on HP printer ink..argh..anyone knows where i can get cheap ones?
- eggs are back! which means the brownie/muffin/everything sweet factory will resume production hopefully soon!
- ive fallen in love..with a Tag Heuer Link Series pink diamond ladies watch..*kat gushes*

Its Already Day Two..

Let's see how long i can last..

haha..im actually quite serious about this whole experiment..
the "How Long A Typical Singaporean Teenager Can Last Without A Hand Phone" experiment..

Honestly i think i'll do quite well..
The first day went a lot better than i expected..
Maybe its because no one actually smses me and i dont exactly need to sms anyone..
'Cept if i need to know if Gina is going to be late..haha..
Other than that..
Its actually kinda nice not to be contactable..
You're quite assured of a day to yourself..
No one bugging you no one disturbing you no one asking you for favours and what not..

But ok so i cheated a little bit..
I went to dig up my old nokia 8210 but that was just because i needed to get the hp number of jim..
It was also the stupidest thing i did yesterday..
Because i fell into the trap of smsing you..
That just made my whole day feel pretty crappy i must admit..
Because you messaged me first on msn..
And then u become indifferent to me all over again..
Phooey..

Oh well..
Right now i just wanna enjoy my detachment period..

I'm going on a emotional and mental holiday..

*HIATUS*

non sequitur...

just some useless truncated thoughts..

- my handphone screen is totally completely absolutely screwed..all i get are blue and purple hues of blurriness..so until i get a new or another handphone (which trust me, it wont be anytime soon) im contactable by msn or just call my house yeah..argh..the inconveniences of being without that small little beeping device..shucks.

- school is becoming a drag..bah.

- i wish i had a sofa in my room..that is obviously not possible..shucks.

- eggs are finally coming back..1.3million to be precise..but its still not enough for everyone in singapore to each be given one..heehee.

- i have yet to bake my brownies..i really really really want to..im sure all of you out there want me to bake too..external benefits..haha.

- Joy boo says i should talk to you..but im still thinking about it..about the whole thing..does any of this make sense? whats the point of talking to you? why cant it be you talking to me? was there anything in the first place? why do i still bother? argh.

- finally..just wondering..hmm..do you read my blog?

Fairy Tale endings..

They dont exist..

Caught "The Cinderella Story" with mishie moo and Gina today..
It was really your typical feel-good teenage chick flick..

Poor little girl being bullied by evil stepmother and step sisters after dad dies..
Uncool girl gets picked on by the cool girls..
Cool guy falls in love with uncool girl..
Girl's dreams come true..(read: she gets original happy life back and she and guy goes to the same college)

Well..i wouldnt say i didnt enjoy the show..
I had a pretty good time oggling at Chad Michael Murray and his oh-so-smooth voice..
And laughing at the "botxed expressions" of the stepmother..

But i felt rather sick after watching the whole show..

Seriously, fairy tale endings do not exist.
-Cool guys never falls for uncool girls.
-Cool girls never fall for uncool guys.
-Cool guys are usually just jerks.
-The underdogs will always be the underdogs
-Its not that easy to say "NO" to your parents,
-Much less going against them to do what you wanna do.
-There's no such thing as love at first sight (i mean..love is BLIND).
-The good guys don't always win.

Life will always be like that.

But who cares.

Im happy.

Im whole.

Why?

Because..

I've got J-O-Y that is down in my heart!

And all credit goes to my Abba Father.

:)

FootNotes:
-To mishie moo and gina, sorry i was a little grouchy today..was really tired and due to the lack of proper food :(
-Im B-R-O-K-E : the cab fare home cost me a friggin' SEVENTEEN BUCKS
-I want my topshop green pants! Any sponsors?

I'm gonna just keep being happy..

I'm looking forward to life..and YOU are history baby!

I honestly never thought i'd be so affected by the whole situation..
I think i almost completely lost it yesterday night..
I was so frustrated by it i didnt even know how or what to feel..
I kept trying to understand what was going on..
I was desperately trying to justify what happened..
I think i even attempted to render you blameless as to what happened..

I'm now aware of how stupid and ridiculous I was..
I'm moving on and getting over you and everything you caused..
I'm gonna give up all the illusive hopes I had..
I'm returning to the girl I always was and always will be..
I'm laughing and smiling all I want now that you're gone..

It's just too bad you'll never get to read this..
It's just too bad you'll never know what you've done to me..
It's just too bad i'll never be able to blame you..
It's just too bad i'll never really be able to get over you..

Things to look forward to!
- Brownie baking (sinful sticky yummilicious things)
- Edgar's party this friday at Rouge (partypartyparty)
- Dinner with Jim and Amanda (Jim's treat of course)
- My long overdued haircut (meeting val too!)
- SHOPPING (nothing beats retail theraphy)

Life's starting to get good again...
And i only have my ever-loving and compassionate Abba Father to thank..

Thank You Father for taking care of your helpless little girl...

A Little Thank You Note..

Thanks to Michele and Zonghan!

I really really had a great time.
Getting "lost" in Singapore..
Laughing at myself and everything else..
Getting made fun of..
Enjoying the forbidden oily cheese prata and curry gravy..
A packet of peanut m&ms and chrysanthemum tea for the princess who doesnt drink water..
Full of laughter chatter and giggles on the drive home..

Thanks :)
Let's do this again!

I still dont know whats going on..

Perhaps im just being too hopeful...or just being typical silly me.. :)

I absolutely hate feeling this way.
Its not that i wanna know exactly whats going on..every nook and cranny..every single detail..
But maybe at least having a hint would be nice?
Actually thats the real problem..
Too many hints..
Haha..
Oh well..
I just carry on hoping blindly and dare i say stupidly..
But then again..
Its not entirely my fault..
You started it!

Im having problems with my msn..
I think Its being infected by evil (naughty naughty!) viruses..
It does not like me at all..not one bit..
Its causing people to not say hello..
Its hindering me from having a decent conversation with people..
Its irritating me..a little..not frustrated to the point where i wanna bang on the keyboard..
I love Kattie's Lappie too much..heehee..

Cant wait to play tennis tmr!
Cant wait to bake too..finally ive got eggs..
Cant wait to go shopping again..

Cant wait to hear from you again..

Girls just wanna have fun...

Who needs men?

Yesterday was an absolute blast..

Went out with Mish, Gina, Fish, Meiyen and Nicole to P.S..

Dinner at Cartel..Delicious Ribs and a Chicken Caesar Salad..Biscuit like rock hard bread..

Watched Dodgeball..Ben Stiller is always being his ridiculous self..The girl was rather pretty and looked like Jennifer Anniston..Full of sick jokes/puns/phallic crap..

Sitting in the row where theres no one in front is really fun too..Legs were everywhere as long as we were comfy..Sitting arrangement --> (from L to R) Fish, Me, Gina, Meiyen, Mish, Nicole

Watched Mish and Nicole play this chinese drum game at Ezone..They were rather good..The game looked fun..But i rather be a spectator..

Waffles (3 to be exact) at Gelare..Chocolate, Cookies and Cream, Vanilla..Played the silly number game to see who would finish up the last six pieces of waffle..

Toilet break for some..Spotlight for some..

Gina took a picture with this hot guy outside Barang Barang..Wait for her to put the photo on her blog..haha..

Aimlessly walked towards Fish and Co..aimlessly walked back..Sent me and Gina off at the NEL..

-END-

What should i do...

Fear, apprehension, insecurity,
causes the heart to feel so uncertain.
Desiring to do what's right for me,
but the mind insists on applying reason.

Seemed to have disappeared before,
somehow it revives itself in my life.
The heart yearns to explore more,
knowing well the risk of being stabbed by a knife.

Torn apart by the heart and mind,
circumstances the rational being creates.
Excited to experience what i'd find,
only if i resist what the mind dictates.

Wishing you never appeared, initiated,
then no decision, nothing would be of my concern.
Opinions and thoughts self-muted,
afraid of the gamble of getting burned.

Grant me Lord the wisdom to know what to do.
Let me do only the things that glorify your name.
Humble me and teach your weak little child.

Highlights..

Kat's week in simple point form...

- philo tutorial on tues was actually helpful

- spent 3 hours in the library on wed trying to do my philo paper..ended up watching Garfield till my lappie ran out of battery

- celebrated Amanda's birthday at swensons..chicken backed rice again..mango ice cream cake wasn't too bad..i still prefer chocolate though..heehee..

- tried dumplings from the szechuan restaurant stall at the arts canteen..rather yummy and pretty cheap..

- had the worst laksa ever. i made my mum promise she'd never buy from that stall ever again. She readily agreed.

- swam 20 laps today..not continuously though..had a good time with charlotte..we made plans to swim every saturday before Youth Fellowship..

- im actually quite tan now..haha..

Admist all the hustle and bustle of life...

the head in acceleration is desirous to evade;
seeking for an irenic resting place.
mad hectic fever overcomes the being;
but serenity regained
when unto JESUS i gaze.

Forever Young..

its not a bad thing after all..

was reading today's article on looking too young for your age..
it talks about the kids' central presenter..the professional footballer and the businessman..
all of them have their own experiences and encounters in which they have been badly mistaken as teenagers..

i suppose im gonna suffer from the same syndrome in time to come..
okok..maybe im already suffering from it..haha..
im nineteen..but honestly i bet i can pass off as a secondary one kiddo..
every year during chinese new year..without fail..some relative will ask how i find secondary school life or if im doing my 'O' Levels that year or next..
shucks..i really wonder if their memory is just plain bad or theyre out to make fun of me..
heehee..but if their ang pao is fat..it more than makes up for the insult..

well..i wouldnt exactly think of it as an insult i guess..
like what those interviewees said..its a good thing in a sense you still look youthful despite being 40 or 50 something..
while people are spending tons of money trying to stop the ageing process..we have the advantage of looking young almost effortlessly and i think we age more gracefully..heehee..

for now..its just been fun fun fun looking young..
i am still young by the way..i havent even turned 19 yet..haha..
anyway..the fact that im so small just doesnt help but instead it just adds to my..er..cuteness..haha
and it just naturally causes people to want to "look after" little me..which is absolutely fine by me..heh..
*kat looks at mish and gina and grins*

Who wants to grow up so fast anyway?
We're only young once..
We only get to be crazy teenagers once..
We only experience youth once..

hmm..and maybe i get to be "young" just a wee bit longer than the rest of you do!
Heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee.

Im such a kid.

Beware of what you say..or rather write..

its so easy to find out..especially when you have "stalker" friends..

haha..my friend came across this webby that apparantly has some er..use..to me..
okok..the phrase "came across" would probably be too mild an expression to use..
my friend probably had nothing better to do and searched (supposingly) "for me"..
and then there are those who "search" for themselves..
*kat eyes gina cheekily* heehee..

so many of such stalker type material exist around us..
hence (please) beware of what you type in your blogs..
names especially..they are so specific..making it so easy for seach engines to pick up..
and well..you never know when what you say might hurt someone or affect someone so badly..
and sometimes..like in my case..it just provides pure amusement for me (and mishie moo moo cow)..haha..
and my conclusion of what ive read is "I can only wish you all the best..ure gonna need it"

muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaah
*kat attempts an evil laugh but fails miserably*
its not very fun not being able to be mean or cold................
phooey.

A very brief update..

just the main points..

for the sake of edwin who is just too lazy to read long entries and so that he'll stop complaining today's entry will be in point form..haha..

a. Shi Zhi Lu Kou yesterday was pretty fun..very tiring though..a lot of running around..and the tulang soup is absolutely disgusting..its like eating a mouthful of chopped up pork belly fat mixed with tons of oil..grossness level 100..my group did win a $20 hagen daz voucher though =)

b. Had icecream with edwin after the event..tried the chocolate and hibicus flavoured icecream..felt rather cheated..couldnt taste the hibicus!his orange and thyme icecream was so much nicer..at least the hibicus iced tea was nice too..and thanks for the treat edwin..haha..he's gonna kill me now..he keeps telling me not to say thank you =)

c. Dad bought me another tshirt again! *kat is in an absolute state of shock* haha..last week it was the adidas kids tee and today its the "Get Charged" nike tee! My dad rocks! haha..i really wasnt expecting him to pay for it and i did bring out my wallet from the car..i owe him too much..i love you daddy! heh..im such a little daddy's girl =)

d. i rejected an offer to go watch mr peter finger perform with a certain someone..was a move of stupidity?

e. i realise i have two philosophy papers due..17th and 24th sept respectively..

f. im getting damn freaked out by a certain very scary individual..HELP.

g. my mum can turn instant noodles into something i actually want to eat..haha..thanks mum =)

h. im gonna take up tennis again! its time to get my big fat lazy bum off my pink chair and into the tennis courts! and swimming pool too!

i. and finally..i need a pair of shoes..and shorts..and maybe more tshirts..how about a new bag and i think another jacket would be nice..and..and..and............................................

Decisions decisions...

How does one make wise decisions? Seek the Lord!

I was chatting with mishie moo moo cow last night on MSN..
Asked her how was the Soci Society AGM and she said it was not bad..all of them got in..
I was just casually commenting that maybe i should have ran as well and she told me that theres still one more post waiting to be filled due to a lack of candidates..
If i wanted the post i'd be working with ZH and Gina..

Chatting more..I asked her how GB was doing..
She commented that Grace was really lost heading devotion com for the very first time since she was in rec com when she was in secondary school..
It did make me think of going back to help..to at least give back something to GB in comparison to the immense amount GB has blessed me with..
besides..mishie is always complaining about the way angel plays the drums..haha..i myself would like to bang on the drums again..been ages..

well..mish did remind me that if i do go back to help it'll be a committment..
it isnt something that im doing cause im excited at the moment and later when the excitment dies down i just throw it down and slack on the job or worse give up..
she suggested i have a talk with Jenny Koh to find out what exactly devotion com needs right now..
thanks mishie moo.. i will heed your advice..care to go down to see her with me? =)

well..i guess the decision is pretty obvious that i would rather join GB than soci society..
perhaps its cause i think i'll feel less intimidated as part of GB rather than soci society..
i know its silly but im just that sort of person who is in a sense "afraid" of new people..people who i feel are better than me in any sense..
hence..it does take a while for me to open up to people..
but thankfully..im beginning to..esp to the O week people such as Ruo, Swi and even Jan =)
ultimately..i still want and will pray about it..
no decision is too small to leave God out of the process..
Because He knows whats best for us..
He's our Father remember? =)

going to play shi zhi lu kou later..
contact-building event by my church's youth fellowship..
im rather enthu about the game and i'll be facilitating!
haha..and im gonna wear my "SINGLE" nike tshirt..heehee..
haha..for no apparant reason though..'cept that its a really comfy tshirt..
but well..i dont exactly know how to facilitate..haha..i didnt even attend the briefing!
however..i'll do my utmost best..heehee..and pray raymond knows what to do..which i highly doubt..
ohhh..and thanks Dad for being so nice as to send me all the way to VCH..heehee..your directional-idiot little girl..*sheepish grin*

i need to get a pair of shoes.............................................

It's not easy to let go and be humbled...

But when you do..God rewards us..

Sorry i havent been updating too regularly..
School work..or rather the amount of readings in particular..has been pilling up steadily..
Im still lagging behind for just about every subject but i suppose im doing ok so far..
At least i understand most of what im reading so i dont have to spend too much time pondering on what i just read..
the same cant be said for philosophy though..
the text is understandable..till tutorials where all the concepts just whizzes pass my head..
oh crap..speaking of philosophy..mish gina and i were supposed to collect out philo readings today..shucks..so much for using the long weekend to catch up on philosophical nonsense..ahh..the irony..

had a rather long week this week..
not so much in terms of how many days (i get a three day school week this week!) but rather in terms of the intenisty of school and other school-related activities..

tuesday:
i had lessons from 9 to 4..and had vcf FT from 6 to 830..
By the time i left school it was already 915 (when i boarded the non-aircon 151)..
thankfully i shared the long bus ride with benny so time passed by relatively quickly and painless..
dad also picked me up from the interchange so that was a consolation at the end of the day..
Slept at about 1am plus i think..

wednesday:
lessons from 10 to 12..
BUT..
CG that day was only to start at 6pm..
so yes..had lunch at the arts canteen (where else?) then i went with mishie moo to holland v..
on bus 200 we passed by acjc and boy was it nostalgic..
i saw tim from our junior class and mish saw shawn on the way back to NUS..
holland v was fun..going into the old shops..checking out the newer shops..each shop holding a different memory of 2AD4..
CG was great too..
despite my tiredness..i felt that sense of eagerness and willingness to learn about His Word..
we went through Genesis 1-2:3 and no it wasnt just about the same old creation story..
there were many new insights and concepts to be grasped that reminded me more about our all-powerful creator and our relationship with God..something given exclusively to us humans and not to the animals or any other thing in creation..
it was also nice to see annabelle in my CG..it made me more comfortable as we (annabelle, amanda, me) shared about our prayer requests..
oh yeah..mishie moo and me bought a really pretty and big sunflower for LiZhen..heh..to say sorry for not coming the week before =)

thursday:
i always dread thursdays because it means im in for one heck of a day..
lessons start at 8 and on even weeks i dont get a break till 4pm..
however..today the three partners in crime skipped philo lect (its at 8AM)..
even so..it was lessons for mishie n me from 10am till 4pm..
thankfully we have such a wonderful friend Gina..
she brought each of us a packet of oreo cookies, two slices of chocolate bread and a hot dog bun (yes with a hotdog inside)..
so nice of her..i was really really really so thankful..I love you Gina! =)
oh yeah..and SS tutorials wasnt as bad as i thought it would be..
heehee..we didnt get the weird lecturer as our tutor and our tutor is really nice and extremely helpful with our project ideas..
speaking of project..ive got a rather fun group too..besides the three amigos..theres Pei Yu, Pei Yi and Sha!
went for soci AGM with mishie moo for a while to lend her moral support..heh..
met ruo hui there and amy was there too..
gina joined us after her lecture..
well..i left earlier..didnt want to get home too late..was so sweet of the four of them to send me all the way to the bus stop..thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks guys..much appreciated =)

ok..by now you must be wondering "so where's the connection to the title?"
well..its simple..
when we're so caught up in all our work and activities and tiredness we tend to start depending on ourselves..
the first thing i thought of was "ok today i need to do this do that by this time so that i can sleep by this time so that tomorrow i can wake up by that time...."
i realise that i was planning everything..trying to fit in everything..trying to make sure i did everything..
God was just pushed aside..very shockingly..unconsciously..
when i realised it..thankfully..it wasnt too late (its never too late with God =) )..
when i stopped and took a step back and committed not only all my activities but also my weariness to God..things did take a turn for the better..
no classes didnt get cancelled nor did my readings all suddenly disappear nor did i suddenly get an extra two hours to complete my assignments..
but i felt a weight being lifted..
i felt a new sense of motivation that i could finish my tasks because i depended on God and not on my own limited strength..
even in terms of emotional weariness..ive been granted this..if i may put it in a very cliche way..new attitude towards life..
again a burden was almost completely lifted from my shoulders..

I cant say whether God's grace will work as immediate as it did for me for you but just know that He is our Father..
our earthly fathers are already willing to do so much for us just to help us through and make our loads lighter how much more will our Heavenly Father do and is able to do for us?
The Creator will also never forsake His "very good" creation..
Trust in the Lord and seek Him in all that we do..
Lift up our troubles, burden and sorrow all to Him..
He will without any form of doubt take care of them..and take care of YOU =)