i never thought id say this but i miss french classes now.
i dont exactly miss the lessons and all the nonsensical grammatical rules the frenchies come up with (like hello..they masculinize and feminize EVERYTHING)..
but rather..

i miss the crazy jokes and hilarious antics of monsieur Larhzal.
i miss the times spent creating conversations in french.
i miss everyone just laughing at each others' pronounciations in class.
i miss the friends ive made during tutorial.
i miss the friends ive made during lecture.
i miss:
nicola (the lets-make-our-conversation-interesting-and-super-chim),
juanna (tribal woman),
clarabelle (ms sweetie pie),
hong yan (the softie-player),
gim chye (the good-natured mr-know-it-all),
ruth (the girl with the funky pink hair!),
su chin (she's got the cutest accent),
jerald (erm..well hes a funny guy..haha..and i like his specs),
augustine (mr-super-blur),
donny (the exercise freak with blue eyes ),
lincoln (the horse),
little norman (unbelievably year three!).

and of course my two darlings Michele and Gina.
Thanks for "pressurizing" me into taking french.
and spending 700 odd points on the module.
i just love u two.
(:


the class with monsieur larhzal holding up the thank you card we all signed (card also courtesy of mishie the creative director!)


impromptu half a class photo..we just kept adding people to the photo as one by one came out from the washroom..haha


the three girls with monsieur larhzal

its already 8:13am.
someone was supposed to meet me at 7.30am.
so who's the piggy now?
*wink*

u know..i always wondered what i did wrong to you..
what in the world did i do or say or whatever to you or against you or maybe indirectly to you that things have to come to such as this..
its just a whole load of rubbish if you ask me..
amazing how we have plunged into such a ridiculously silent state..
and every week i have to go through the same emotions again..
if its not hurting you its hurting me..

i realise that ive been running around more often this year..
going out..spontaneous breakfast..lunches..dinners..suppers..movies..free esplanade concerts..aimless outings..attempted studying sessions.."nua-ing" gatherings..shopping sprees (ok maybe this doesnt count.hurhur.) and even impromtu chat sessions at the bus-stop (though pei 'e isnt around to have it with me anymore. sigh.)..
but i have to admit that i miss just having one particular person to do all these things with..
someone whos there for you all the time and makes time to do the stuff u wanna do with you..
guess im just reminiscing on the not-too-long-ago past..
which i confess i didnt really treasure as much as i ought to have..
and..haha..i conclude i must have been an absolute pain then..

its already been about nine months..
we've both moved on with our lives..
but yet when i think about all we did (ok maybe not all we did.) and what you've done for me..
i cant help but smile..
dont forget about our meal yeah..
gotta be really soooooooooooon (*supergiantsizedbighinthere*) cause my exams are in 2 weeks time..

argh.
exams. the dreaded E word. only 5 letters but it packs such a punch it has already bruised me with two black eyes..
really really really tired.
my body is like going nutty too.
it cant seem to decide whether it wants to go into a state of fever or not and its leaving me hanging in between..
like im tired and feel so heaty and yet i cant reach the point where i'm actually sick.
very annoying.
oh well.
think i should start sleeping more a.k.a reverting back to my usual sleeping pattern..
but something's keeping me awake during those ungodly wee hours of the day..


































and thats..
*drumroll please*

















































my books.


































hur hur.
*wink*

blind hope for something that isnt there
leaving the heart in piercing dispair.
optimism struggling and gasping to breathe
battling against the devouring grief....

for once.
im truly at a loss for words.

maybe optimism is ridiculous and not applicable in today's cynical arena.
maybe optimism is just self-denial to the truth right smack in my face.
maybe optimism is meant for kids in their little innocent worlds.
maybe optimism is merely delay of the torturous emotional pain to come.



night.

God is good, what else can i say?
He never fails to take me through the day
no matter how hard, no matter how grey
even if the world should leave me in dismay.

God is good, who else can compare?
His love and patience only to care
for a child so useless and so bare
to look up to her Father, she wouldnt dare.

God is good, when is He not?
From the beginning He has sought
me out from the rubble and fought
for me with love which cannot be bought.

its almost 12 noon and i just woke up from a much needed beautiful and peaceful sleep..
its been ages since my body clock has allowed me to sleep beyond 8 or 9am..
and i thank God for this timely blessing..
He understood how much my body really required this good rest..

French oral test on monday went a lot better than i expected and it was definitely a truckload less stressful than my first one..
me and gina had a relatively easy topic (FOOD!!! - which i was really praying hard for) and we just seemed to have such a good time during the short minutes we were given to prepare it..
haha..gina even had the time to sms..haha..
Our tutor being such a whacky and humourous person also assisted in relieving the anxiety..
he just kept joking and inputing wise cracks..some of which are just plain stupid. trust me. Ha.

marketing presentation went better than i expected too esp. since its been ages since i last presented anything..
but the success of it definitely has to be credicted to our dear wee wee!
and if i learnt anything from this (or rather him) its *ahem* i quote, "If you're gonna do something, do it well".
we owe you a lunch treat wee wee! geylang frog leg porridge and tau huay!

french test yesterday, however, was absolute crap.
especially the listenning part. i didnt get half of what those bloody (say this word with a brit accent) french people were rattling. and i do literally mean rattling. they speak so fast and join all their words that it just sounds to me like a whole string of gibberish. haha. in the end i had to guess where their final destinations were. bah.
to top it all off, i was having a gargantuan hellofva headache.
God was really my source of strength as i sat through the 1 and half hour paper that required the non-stop usage of brain juice.

was completely drained after the test as i slept all the way to serangoon gardens..
was feeling awfully grouchy too..
but i was woken up from lalaland by an anonymous call..heh..but it was a much needed call..
oh and guess what..it took me, michele and gina almost two whole hours to get to sgn gdns..
and we sat "three freaking buses" just to reach the coveted food paradise..
but the journey was well worth it..
we savoured chai tau kueh, hokkien mee, stingray, sotong and a huge glass of sugarcane..
it was our way of patting ourselves on the back for having lasted three LONG days of endless brain-draining work..

in life, anything can happen and will happen.
as i was praying before going to sleep last night..i was thinking about how i thought my life would be like a week ago, a month ago, 6 months ago, even a year ago..
a week ago i was panicking over my french test, behaving like a worry wot, stressing myself out with "i cant afford to screw it up again"...
a month ago i was contemplating about how i would get through my projects due and how i would last through so many more lessons of french..
6 months ago i was thinking how long more all the emotional frustration and confusion would continue to torment me..
a year ago i was lamenting about having to start school again and worrying how i would get through uni life alone..

i smiled and
i thanked God.
and decided not to wonder about tomorrow.
(:

thanks to:
Wee Foong - for doing so much..in fact too much..for the marketing project..
Gina - for helping me do the graphs..like i said..bill gates doesnt like me too much..but ok thats no excuse..teach me how to create the graphs!
Michele - for amazingly doing both her own marketing assignment as well as the marketing project..

u guys are amazing. thanks.

ok it's 2.30am. and im hungry. and i need to sleep.
but just one more thing.
can u please not ever ever (ever!) do that to me again.sigh.
s'il vous plaît.
merci beaucoup.

night y'all.

this churning in my stomach
is it the fluttery butterflies
or knots of apprehension and fears?

this pounding in my heart
is it the sheer excitment
or collisions of anxiety and tears?

All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow, carry us home
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day through

-this road-

finally.im done with marketing lesson ten.
guess what. it took me almost 4 hours to go through a 2 hour lecture.
argh.
all thanks to the lecturer.
his powerpoint notes have like the barest minimum amount of information (as if hes doing it for the sake of comforming to the norm of having a powerpoint during lectures) and because of this i have to like pause the webcast everytime he says a sentence to get it down on my notes.
thank goodness for webcast.
if i was sitting in the LT i wouldnt have been able to get 3/4 of what he's spouting.

things are starting to get busy.
monday i have an interview with mr mervin wee and gotta rush back to NUS for my francais oral test..
tuesday i have a marketing presentation..
wednesday i have my francais exam..
cant wait for thurs to come..my free day..and possibly a well-deserved break..
BUT alas..the break is not to be..as the dreaded exams are coming..
in three weeks time..
sigh..

but exams always mean that the holz are nearby..
a THREE MONTH holiday to be precise..
but argh. this holiday thing is giving me a headache too.
too many places to go. not enough time. and definitely not enough money.
guess its a matter of priorities here.
and im still determining them..

for now im just contented.
im picking up the pace of studying and things are going ok in the other department.
just enjoying every conversation.
and of course all the funny faces and the SMILES those conversations bring.
thanks.
(:

ok.its back to my marketing project.then again.its dinner time.grin.its perpectual feasting at the wong's residence every night thanks to mum.currychickenchupchairoastedporkfriedegg.heh.eat first and worry about the waistline later.grin.

Happy April Fool's!
(and to ed for playing his first trick of the day on me.im sooooooooo honourED.)

ok just one more thing.
if karma really exists, joel ong u had better run for your life cause u should be dead by now.
HA.
closet evility at its best.

and so this is how its gonna be
no more late nights
and no more smiles to see..

or so i thought
cause i was proven wrong
with a smile that cannot be bought

the elation that comes with surprise
that stems from no expectation
just a simple message will suffice

just came back from my sushi date with corlissa..
thanks girl..for such a great time..from the beginning till the end i think we never once stopped laughing..haha..though its at each other..heh..really enjoyed talking to you..hopefully we'll be able to have more of such sessions..thanks for walking around with me too..haha..and i keep wanting to buy u smthg but u kept saying u dont like anything..tsk tsk tsk..haha..mabe next time then..and ok i bought stuff for myself again..haha..lets see..gio polo tee..a pair of earrings..c&k slippers and muji milk tea! (:

its back to mugging again i guess..
nthg but french french french..really need to do smthg else..like econs..and marketing..which i really suck at..sociology is not too bad because im accustomed to writing essays..oh yeah..and theres elang too..which is just horrid..im absolutely impatient for this semester to end..its just not going very well for me..so far havent done as well as i want myself to..sigh..better buck up for the coming exams..

oh yeah! had breko breakfast with mish and gina monday morning..super duper awesome way to chase the monday blues far far away and start the day..especially a long tiring day of school..mishie had 'peter pan'..haha..just a fancy name for pancakes..gina had eggs toast beans sausages and i opted for a healthy bagel with smoked salmon and scrambled eggs..haha..weight-conscious mah..
heh..the day was ok i guess..as usual our dear french tutor/lecturer went bonkers..haha..but french lecture didnt go very well for my darling gina..poor girl..well..all i can say is pray about it and trust God..He has a very gd reason for allowing that to happen..and He knows better than to let you hear it there and then..He knows what crazy thing you would have done without thinking..heh..give the veggie monster the benefit of a doubt and just dont care about that gd-for-nthg nadia who without question is a b***h..hang in there my dear..ull be alright..ull get through this..u have God, mishie and me! who else do u need? Heh (:

i know u wont read this till u come back but i'll say it anyway..heh..
its true how u told me not to "expect anything anytime from anybody so you can be pleasantly surprised and easily contented"..
haha..u actually remembered how im such an easily contented person..
u never fail to surprise me..
like yesterday when u turned this original entry into a lie..
and with your sms today even though its gonna cost you..
(though i would rather u not sms cause i want u to concentrate on having fun..how ironic..haha)
take care of yourself and have a whole load of fun before the mugging starts all over again..
and to think i was afraid u'd........heh.well.nvm.
(:

rescue me from hanging on this line...
i won't give up on giving you
the chance to blow my mind...

Narrow is the road and too high a price to pay
When loneliness is such a sanctuary
Empty are the musings and wasted are the days
When you say you were only waiting

And famous last words, "I'm not ready yet"
"I won't be gone a minute" and "I won't forget"
Famous last words
If tomorrow never comes, will I ever know that I was in love?

snippets of my life..

just some random photos for your viewing pleasure
yojne.
(:

VCF FOC camp 2004 - the first time i actually talked to Gina since we left PL..amazing how God works..i felt kinda lonely during the camp..but HE blessed me with her presence..love ya girl..

O week 04' - me and my darling gina (again!)..i dreaded going for O week and stuff..but thank God for her and of course my dear Michele who up till now are still making my uni life a great experience..

going for retail therapy with Pei 'E..miss ya tons girl..gotta meet up soon again yeah..hopefully ull get in to NUS as well..call me whenever you wanna hit the pool!

Uni SPG cny steamboat 05' at my place..Me, Rosemary and Ava showing off our dinosaur shaped chips..haha..there was sooooooooooooooooo much food..i had yong tau fu for days and days after..

Erm..try as we might..we'll never be able to fit through those gaps..haha..

Eddy ed ed and me in the cab to the airport..you still owe me cab fare for this ride ed..haha..you agreed to pay for it!

David and Phoebe's wedding - Florence, Grace, Amanda, Me..

us again..minus Florence..heh..really love church weddings..

Only by God's grace am i such an optimistic person...
(:

Time and time again, God evidences the fact that His timing is FLAWLESS.

First of all, i have no idea why Gina bothered to come all the way to school since it'll just be to walk with me to put the project into my tutor's pigeon hole then taking the bus all the way back home..but God allowed it to happen..He made it such that by the time i realised how stupid i was to call her down she was already in the bus..

so heres a HUGE THAAAAAAAAAAAANKS(!!!) to my darling GINA!!!
who wonderfully agreed to go allllllll the way to NUS with meeeeeeee to hand up our (stupid) eLang project..

Secondly, she coming down made a big big big difference to my thursday 'cause she gave me a hug the minute she got off the bus and saw me..u have no idea how loved that made me feel!

Thirdly, she wasn't meeting her friends anymore so i got to spend the afternoon with her at bishan..ate MOS..my fav teriyaki chicken burger..though its an extremely messy business to eat it..haha..i bet i looked like a small kid..but i dont care..haha..walked around..bought her a badge..cant remember the verse on it though..haha..but i know it has a butterfly..heh..bought her a bottle of milk tea frm muji too..gosh..i wonder whos the one whos supposed to be sad..haha..but thanks girl..your company is priceless..you say u dont know how to make me smile but u did..
(:

im definitely not devastated or anthg..but neither can i say i don't care at all..
come to think of it..i dont exactly know how i feel..
maybe disappointed is the closest i can best explain it as..
but the more i think about it the more i feel that its really the best that we're this way..
why go ruin a perfectly good friendship that we both enjoy?
im gonna be ok. i will be ok.i am ok.
and it means i'll be finally reverting back to my normal sleeping patterns..haha

God is just good to me.

He's amazing.
How many can feel as happy as i am after smthg like this has happened?
truely, without a doubt, i am blessed.

(:

i dont know why God is so good to me..
(coz He loves you..tot that was ez.)

no matter what happens..
how bad the situation is..
how heart-wrenching or how painful or how hurting it may be..
i always get this sense of peace in my heart..
the pain no doubt will be there..at least a little eeenie weenie bit..
but i'm still able to smile and just laugh about it..
knowing full well that God is in absoltue control..
and im always reminded of what Romans 8:28 says..

A child so broken-hearted and full of sin,
Yet You died my love just to win..
The sacrifice so great no man can achieve,
Yet you died just so I would believe..

Lonely..we're so lonely..

after school hours are fun with michele and gina..
haha..
today we went to holland v after our marketing tutorial..
it was just one of those mad crazy spontaneous things we smtimes do out of the blue..

and so it was three depressed "lonely..we're so lonely" souls indulging in comfort food..
haagen daz chocolate fondue was not too bad..
'cept we should have waited a while for the chocolate to get warm..
haha..
obviously we couldnt and just starting dunking our fruits and icecream cubes into the lovely smooth chocolate..
walked around and went for more food..
haha..
went back to my favourite acjc holland v joint..
breko's menu changed though..
but change is not always a bad thing..
now they have like tons of new and yummy stuff..
like my avocado yoghurt drink..
ordered onion rings and banana and peanut butter toastie..
gina had the ham and cheese, mish the tuna..
and we've already made plans to go on monday for breakfast..
haha..

hey my two dearest dearest lovelies..
really enjoy all the outings that the three of us have had so far..
no matter what we do..we always have such a blast and so much insane fun..
but wanna let you two know that its not just about fun..
know that im here for you two..
no matter how big or small the problem or stich is..
really pray that this friendship will last..and last and last and last..
(:

Its yet another week...

my body clock can irritate the hell outta me smtimes..
i only went to sleep at about 2am this morning and it woke me up at just about 5 minutes to 7..
how annoying is that..
haha..
and i cant go back to sleep..
but it has its perks as well i suppose..
heh..
i got to spend quality time with with my Heavenly Father by the poolside..
something i always enjoy doing but barely have the time and will-power to do..

heh..
i got to say good morning too..
heh..
and hey..
i'm entitled to ask one more question right?
well..
i think im not gonna ask..
if you have something you want me to know..
you'll tell me..
(:

alright..i gotta get going..
je deteste lundi..
4 hours of francais is just inhuman..
and i end at 8pm..
phooey..
but..
today is White top day!!!
haha..
something to perk up the long and dreadful day..
but..
dad isnt gonna pick me up from school..
which means i'll be home really late..
which means..
sigh..
):

how does one spell love?
G-O-D!

there's always something magical about church weddings and the one i attended today was no exception..
from the start to the end everything about it is just so sweet..
u see the groom so eagerly anticipating the arrival of his bride and how his face just seems to light up when he sees her walking down the aisle...
the bride looks so radiant and lovely as she strolls down the red carpet with just as much excitment..
but more than just the two main characters of the wedding..there's one more main character..in fact to call Him a character would be too trivial..He's the reason that they're together..He's the very creator of love..
He's God..

church weddings always remind me of how God will provide..
and i dont just mean a life-partner..
but the other important things in life like our loving and doting parents, close friends who stick by you through thick and thin and just people who are there to guide and encourage us each stage of our lives..

God's love also really took centre stage at the wedding today..
the service commenced with a short presentation on how they met and finally got married..
though lacking in detail one could see how God was working so immensely in both their seperate lives to finally bring them together in holy matrimony..
both parties went through quite a bit in the past before finally reaching this stage of bliss..
God's love was also demonstrated in the song Phoebe wrote and sang for David..
a song which credited all to God and a song of prayer that they will remain a couple who constantly seek to put Him first..

sigh..
who wouldnt wanna have such a God-filled relationship and wedding?
i know i definitely want it..
and who else but God can give such a beautiful gift?
so im gonna wait patiently..
for Him to work..
(:

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I...I will be here

If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause I...I will be here

I will be here...
When you feel like bein' quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winnin' and losin' and tryin'
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I...I'll be here

Just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
I...I will be here

I will be here....
You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you

And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true
To the promise I have made
To you and to the
One who gave you to me

I...I will be here

And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
'Cause I...
I will be here....
We'll be together

'Cause I will be here

the heart finally speaks...
(well..kinda..sorta..)

i've never mentioned any names up until now but finally i will.
not because i want to insult him publicly (as public as my blog can be) or because i need a space to vent my anger.
im not angry neither do i wanna scoff at him for all that he has done to me.
but its just a gesture to show that this episode of my life has ended.
(:

i dont really care anymore but its interesting to find out from gina that the gf shawn was referring to wasnt even his ex but a new gf.
wow wee.
that just up-ed your level of disgustingness.
haha.
and let me have my two seconds worth of fun and proclaim:
its official.
joel is a bastard.
haha.
and i quote gina --> "ask him go screw himself! what an idiot.."


sorry i've been quite busy the past few days..
thats why ive been writing in poems..haha..only have time for those..
was occupied with elang project..assignments..and especially french...
to top it all i was sick sick sick..
missed school on monday which was like absolutely stupid because i have the most lessons on that day..
sheesh..
talk about my affinity for bad timing..

but other than school work..
my days have been..
happy..
heh..
guess thats as much as i'll disclose here..
heh..
but yeah..
daily doses of serotonin..
very very very good for health..
heh..
thank you.
(:

once bitten twice shy,
pierced by all the frustration and hurt
inflicted upon by your charm.
so many times i wished to cry.

stop haunting me.

you can't lose what you never had,
afraid to release the bridge that guards my heart
and allow the rush of emotion to gush in.
i almost wish we never met.

don't give up on me.

only almost...

you crossed the line,
in record time
but you only almost won..

you gave it your all,
prevented another fall
but you only almost triumphed..

determined till the end,
unafraid of the shadowed bend
but you only almost prevailed..

and the feeling is the same as my fear
of you only almost, almost being here..

Temps

time heals so they say,
it always manages to find a way.
But what if i dont want it to?

time helps us to forget,
memories of hurt and regret.
But what if i dont want it to?

time makes the present turn into the past
and i desperately cling onto them
praying they last
but time causes things to fade
all the feelings and emotions now dead...

are they?

iamalabelwhore.

my feet are absolutely killing me.
but every ounce of pain is worth it.
i had such a blast today.

watched Howl's Moving Castle with mish and gina today.
we caught the 1040am show.gosh.thats early huh.haha.
tried LJS' breakfast.
the verdict?
Cheap and Yummilicious.
except they forgot to pack my potato salad.phooey.

the show was better than i expected, esp since im no anime fan.
the characters are really unique and seriously drama mama. haha.
and yeah howl's pretty (pun intended) cute too. heehee.well at least at the beginning then he started to look kinda er gay.haha. sorry mish. but face it. its true.
the story was quite predictable i guess..your typical fairy tale love story..where love conquers all..where the good always triumph..where the heroine bears no grudges against those who done her wrong..where love sees more than just the outside..where the bad become good in the end..and the most important part to any fairy tale..the girl always gets the guy and vice versa.
if only life was a fairy tale...

went to tangs later for the mini-tour organized by the soci soc.
wasnt too bad i guess..but this was the highlight of the trip:

wanna make a guess where we are? (:

gina went off for another movie so me and mish went full speed ahead to shop.
michele really went all out today..haha..or at least i havent seen her shop so much or been so enthusiatic about shopping for quite a while..heehee..usually im the one dragging poor tired michele around the shopping centre and across orchard road..
she got A LOT of stuff man..and some good bargains too..like her pretty POA skirt and the fourskin tshirt..and mish u owe me money! :P (i feel like some loanshark)

as for me. i got too many things.heh.
asusuayetlagainsowhatelseisnewwereyouevenexpectinganythingelsefromme? HA.
got a pair of black slippers, three pairs of funky earrings, a greyish blue fleshimp skirt, a white belt and this gorgeous bag that i have been eyeing for the longest time (:
wanted to get this tshirt that said "iamalabelwhore" but i thought better not.
heh. least my mum gets a heart attack or smthg. im quite sure my dad would just laugh. heh.
well. gotta refrain from shopping.
at least for a week..maybe two?
a month you say? thats just pushing it too far. HA.
(:

Weariness creeps in...

maybe i just think too much.
maybe i should put a stop sign or button to my thoughts.
maybe i need to just take a step back and let things happen.
maybe i have to simply chill.

but all of the above contradicts the way a stickler works.

Cause it's you and me
and all of the people
with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me
and all of the people
And I don't know why,
I can't keep my eyes off of you...

thissongisstuckinmyheadanditsgettingveryannoying.

i need to let go...and let God...

at the end of the day...
(pun not intended)
(sheesh.why do i keep getting pun-ded.)

the conclusion of the matter is:
buaya and fake.
HA.
thanks ed.
{just kidding}

oh and you know why we dont talk about school?
its cause you're not in school.
duh~
makes sense right.
haha.

Jaded. Disjointed. Weird. A little higgledy-piggledy.

ive been kinda just...

(loud plopping sounds)
dammit who are these nutty neighbours upstairs who are throwing pieces of ice down?!??
argh.
dont you know its gonna hurt if it hits someone?
and its not the first time...
)`:

as it is im feeling kinda agitated.
rather tensed up and edgy and perturbed.
so to the idiots up there, quit fooling around and get a life will ya.

ive always been able to study anywhere anyhow anyway.
with screaming people around me with pin-drop silence surrounding me with yakking girls next to me on the floor on the bed at the desk on the beach under the stars at the void deck in the bus on the train in front of the tv with my msn constantly beeping with the radio blasting with my dog barking while on the phone with relatives blabbering at the top of their voices.

but today i just couldnt sit my ass down and work my brain.
i kept starting but it was just plain futile.
phooey.
i dont know whats wrong with me.

*huge huge sigh*

ms singapore universe is just getting worse and worse every year.
they just have good bods.
well.
at least some do.
and there's a girl called "destiny"?

bah.
sorry.
im not usually like this.
i really dont know whats wrong with me.

Father hold me close to you...
dont let me go..
i dont want to be so distant from you ever again...

and she...

she doesn't give it much thought
but it keeps coming back to nudge her.
she can't help but wonder why
something like that could happen
and she : a stranger.

days whiz by with the aid of work
and activity and labour and toil.
but as she sits down to press the keys,
words remind her of what happened
and she : bemused.

so she just waits
(whenever she remembers)
with the prod of curiousity
edging her on with a cheeky smirk
and she : pourquoi avez-vous appelé?

{Finally! its a happy piece of writing. heh. all credit goes to God (: }

pourquoi avez-vous appelé?
pourquoi...

A Father's reply...

Reach out to me my little child
I have been waiting
all this while
to hold you so tight
cause you to feel alright
and turn the darkness to light...

I know you've been hurting so bad
just too many things
make you sad
so call out "Father"
allow me to take over
and make the gloominess better...

(:

A child's cry...

the searing pain of silence
stabs incessantly
until numbness sets in
and torment no longer is cruel.

its happenning again.

a faint glimmer of hope
hangs dangerously
on the latch at the edge
testing the strength of optimism.

its repeating itself.

quel est amour?

quel est amour?

snippets from my soci txtbk:
"...we assume that people choose a partner or mate based on love. Upon investigating who marries, however, we find that our choices are guided by other considerations: a potential partner's age, height, weight, income, education, race, social class, and religion, among other things... "
"When the conditions are right, we 'allow' ourselves to fall in love..."

and i thought love was..
well..
LOVE.

anyway..
(so anti-climax!)
haha..
had my french test today..
wasnt too bad i guess 'cept i think i answered one section wrongly..but hey the instructions were in french ok..so it aint entirely my fault..
haha..
its never our own fault issit..

tired tired tired..
been having tests for the consecutive past three days..
thankfully tomorrow is my off day..
BUT i have econs test on friday morning..
10 to 10:45am..
yeah im going to school for just 45minutes..
absolute nonsense..
but im not too worried about this test though..
30MCQ and its pretty much all the stuff i did in JC..

my endorphines are gone.
kinda sad now..
heh.
but i suppose i was just..
hoping too much..
(typical me i guess)
not sure when the next dose will come..
or if it'll even come at all..
shucks.
in the end its still my fault.
tsk.

Je deteste le francais.

had my french oral test today.
and i got the worst and most difficult question of them all.
everyone alse got something like describe your family or this person.
they could just easily make up some wacky facts and half-truths that the very limited vocab we have learnt so far would more than adequately allow to happen.
guess what question i got?
present a dialogue of a job interview in french.
Right. How in the world am i supposed to conduct a job interview in french?

i seriously screwed up.
i started with my name is so and so and the manager asking whats my age.
from there on i just kept rattling on about what i like to do.
bah.
until the point where i looked at my tutor and said (in english), "i really dont know what else to say..."
he was nice about it though..
he took my draft (messy as it is) and commented "tres bien" and proceded to ask me questions..
i was so nervous i spouted out crap.
like how i have a 28 year old sister who is a lecturer at NTU who teaches statistics.
dont ask me where i got that from.
haha.
oh yeah and i told him "je joue la guitare."
which at the moment is a lie. but i hope it'll be a truth soon.

soci test tmr. french test on wed. econs test on fri.
bah.
but im still running on endorphines.
natural happiness drug.
heh.
its amazing that its still going.
keeping me sane.
making me smile.
grin.
laugh.

im just hoping it'll keep me going till the next dose.
(:

running on endorphines

goodmorningworld.

goodnightworld.

up close and personal

for all the conveniences that msn provides, i still prefer talking face-to-face.
its more real.
u dont have time to think of what to say, much less backspace your words.
u see the person, u hear the person.
at least a phone call is so much better than "speaking" to my lappy's screen.

thanks for calling jy..
though at the most inapt timing..
haha..
i thought it was one of my grp members or smthg..
and when i realised it was you i really really really thought you wanted me to do smthg for you..
haha..
sorry! really. honestly. sincerely.
thanks for calling though..
it helped to make my dull and long and dreadful night so much brighter better and er busier..
haha..
but yeah good to see you're doing alright over there
(:

oh yar and you cant tell if something is cooked because "it smells cooked".
(:

the Cheshire kat...

even though you were an hour late i still had fun.
and thanks for dinner.
and thanks for sending me home.
HA.
its the least you could do.
and you're not forgiven...yet.
hur hur.

thanks michele for wasting i mean er spending time with me today..
heh..
i had fun shopping with you today!
u go girl!
haha.
and i think i want that white shirt from fox.
heehee.
i love my flower bracelet
(:

Most of all..
thank you GOD.
thank you Father for allowing me to let go.
for allowing me to just give up all to you.
all the hurt, pain, anxiety and uncertainty.
and to enjoy what you've given me.
friendships - all the laughter and fun that comes with it.
Father what would i do without you in my life?
(:

bear with me.
this skin will have to do until i find another one.
eeyore's pinkishness was getting a lil on my nerves.
heh.

ohmigoshicannotbelievethatyousaidanddidthat.

hahahahahahahahahahhaa.
i really really didnt expect you to do such a stupid thing.
you're like some childish secondary school kid.
gosh.
you've really changed my perspective of you.
HA.

anyway thanks mig for dinner and the tshirt.
really like it a lot.
help me fix up my guitar yeah?
please please please please please.
please?
oh hey! we forgot to take a photo. 3 cameras and we completely forgot. shucks.

heh.
and these photos are for you junyuan..
we went back to eat icecream at the same place..
no ben and jerrys this time though..
decided to save money before edwin starts nagging at me again..
haha..
saving up for the trip down under too...
(:

Ed and his icecream...



Kat and her icecream...


Ed's icecream...



Kat's icecream...



and finally ed and his icecream again..


and hey..why did u have to lie to me?

aunt agony cant solve her own problems...

its always easier to give out advice rather than to heed it.
i gave out advice that would be very useful to me right now.
but i cant follow it.
i just cant.
because i'd be risking it.
and i cant bear to.

anyhow its not like i'll ever do anything anyway.
heh.
i always wait.
even if it means to wait blindly.
sigh.
oh well.

better to sit in silence rather than to ruin the amity between us...

Lord, You know my heart
And all my desires
And the secret things I'll never tell
Lord, You know them well

Though I may be young
I see and understand
That at times like sheep we go astray
And things get out of hand

So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity
As unto You
Waiting for the day
When I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you

Until then, O Lord
I will be content
Knowing that true love
Will come someday
It will only come from You

Cause I have seen the suffering
That loneliness can cause
When we choose to give our love away
Without a righteous cause

the cooking diaries...
(cause Mum's not home!)

today's ingredients are:

boneless chicken thigh meat...



shitake mushrooms...



asparagus...



cheese...



and crushed black peppercorns and dried basil leaves for seasoning...




Step 1:
marinate the chicken meat with salt, black peppercorns and dried basil leaves...




Step 2:
slice the mushrooms and half the asparagus...




Step 3:
heat up the oil and brown the chicken meat...
its cooked once its not pinkish-raw anymore...




Step 4:
plate the hot chicken and top with cheese...




Step 5:
add a little butter in the pan and fry the mushrooms and asparagus...




Step 6:
top the chicken (the cheese should have melted by now) with the veggie mixture...

Ta Da!
Pepper and basil chicken topped with butter-tossed mushrooms and asparagus!




Step 7:
Dig in and enjoy (:



Yummy! (:

AbsolutElation.

The song is done.
Thank you Jim.
Thank you Amanda.
Most of all thank you GOD.
(:

Gonna jam next week.
Hopefully.
Jim on guitar.
Amanda on keyboard.
Me on drums.
(im think im missing something...)
Though i have no idea how im gonna sing and drum.
But we'll figure out smthg.
Ha.
And i really wanna record it.

I love the song.
I love it.
I love you GOD.
(:

Thank you God..for just..always..ALWAYS providing..this time its through a song..that brought the three friends even closer..and three friends who care for each other genuinely..who help to take away the little pain in my heart..heh..thank you my Father..
(:

You Are My Everything

How can i not realise that you love me
When you're showing it to me everyday.
How can i not realise that you love me
When you're revealing in every way.

Everything in my life
All the laughter, the strife
They come from you because you care
And i'm never alone,
you're always there.

Father,
Teach me to love you more
Help me to open the door
to my heart, to my life,
to my all, forevermore.
Father,
Guide me and use all that i can bring
Just take over my life and cause me to sing
of your love, of your grace
You are my everything.

Its so painful how i can forget that you love me
when you've paid the price of death
Its so hurting how i can forget that you love me
when you touch me with your sweet gentle caress.

Inspired by God.
Written through me.

I actually had the intention of writing a poem about something thats really bothering me.
But instead, i ended up wiriting this song.
I've also never written a song before so here's a virgin attempt.
It may be imperfect but He is perfect.

Its so amazing how God works in our lives.
He gave me the inspiration and I'm honoured to be used by Him.
The song is also such a great reminder (which couldnt have come at a better time) that God loves me.
Nothing is greater than His love, though we often forget as we look to human affections to satisfy our longing.
Take heart (pun not intended) my friends.
God loves us, no matter how much we dont reciprocate it back to Him.
And trust His timing and plan.
He is working!
(:

Now i just need someone to put it into guitar chords for me.
Any takers?
Shucks.
i should really learn how to play the guitar.

A life filled with joy...

As i reflect on the past week, i cant think of anything else except the fact that God is good to me.
That He has already planned out my life so meticulously and proficiently.
That He will always provide in His own special way.
That He loves me.

Only recently have i finally been able to let go.
And its not like before where i kept saying i needed to and things had to stop.
I kept lying to myself then.
But now its for real.
I, through and only through God's grace, have been capable of setting myself free from the chains i have bound myself with.
Chains that have been tightenning itself for the past 7 long months.
They have been shattered, destroyed, crushed.
*insert big huge ginormous toothie smile here*

On sunday, God spoke to me again through Tom during the sunday school lesson.
Honestly i never really could keep my attention focused from the start till the end but that day was really an exception.
I never felt more eager and willing to listen, learn.
Tom talked about how Habbakuk complained but yet did so with reverence and a heart that was open and honest.

What really struck me was the reminder that God does not work according to human timing.
We may think that God isnt working but actually he is already in the midst of answering our prayers but we, as puny useless ignorant and silly humans, dont see it. He may also not answer our requests the way we want but God does answer prayers.

This fact struck me because i realised that it has been shown to me during the past week.
Since it'll take too long (due to a ton of details..God really works down to the nitty gritty) i shall spare everyone the agony. heh.
But know that He provided me with many friends.
Friends who care and really know how to make me feel appreciated and just, well, contented. :)

So here (brace yourselves, its gonna be long) are my thank yous!
(in no order of any kind whatsoever)
(though in specification to my past week)
(heh)
(ok i'll shut up already)

Edwin:
Hey ed. Thanks. Really. For everything. For listenning to my whinning. For bearing with all my nonsense. For all the teasing, the yakking but most importantly the nagging (esp about my finances). Thanks for coming over on thurs. Thanks for going to get the prez with me though you were already half dead and it was kinda late. Thanks for the treat at crystal jade. Thanks for the long long long chat on tuesday morning. Thanks for paying most of the cab fare today. Thanks for slurping down your salmon ramen just now just so i didnt have to go home all alone. Thanks.

Jun Yuan:
Thanks for coming over on thurs and being of the most help with the food. haha. Thanks for inviting me up with your YEP friends to bai nian though ur parents werent home. Thanks for the movie on that hot, lazy and boring friday afternoon (and that can of coke. ha.). Thanks for ben and jerrys at 1am just because i had a mad craving for it. Thanks for the appreciation of my efforts (unlike some people..*kat glares at shane*..ha). Thanks for lunch. The chicken rice was really yummy, the conversation even yummier (ha.). Thanks for watching School of Rock (on yet another hot, lazy and boring afternoon) with me though u already did (and another can of coke). Thanks for sharing a bit of your life with a stranger. Thanks for being a neighbour. Thanks for being a friend. Thanks for just being you.

Shane:
As much as i would like to disinclude you i just couldnt. ha. Thanks for coming over on thurs and alleviating a bit of the torture of over-catered food. Thanks for your "constructive criticisms" that, really, i accept with gratitude. Thanks for your sociable and out-going attitude. Thanks for amusing me with the humourously egotistical way you talk about yourself.

Jim:
Thanks for being the great friend you have always been. Thanks for being my reality check. Thanks for all the little things you do and the crazy big things that are so stupidly sweet (like your appearance and box of chocolates at 2am). Thanks for the endless amount of treats you've given me and amanda, and yet we still keep clamouring you for more (speaking of which u still owe us the japanese buffet!). Thanks for being such an encouragement through your trust in God no matter how tough a situation you might be stuck in. Thanks for your constant concern too.

Amanda:
Thanks for being the wonderful and ever-encouraging sister i never had. Thanks for all the little smses here and there, some coming at the most appropriate timings that show me how much God cares for me as He put you in my life. Thanks for the pretty heart-shaped cookies you made for me on valentines day as well as the sweet sweet note that came along with it. Thanks for always listenning to my problems. Thanks for all your prayers. Thanks for being my constant reminder of that important need to reach out to everyone and spread the love our Father has abundantly showered on us.

Liyue:
Thanks for coming to the airport to have dinner with me. Thanks for the delicious treat. Thanks for being so patient while u waited (for me to take photos with my friend) and waited (while i scooted off from dinner to say a final goodbye and wave to my friend) and waited. Thanks for the short but most enjoyable chat we had. Thanks for constantly meeting up with me to find out how im doing. Thanks for being not just a DGL to me, but a close older sister, someone i can and will look to for advice. Thanks for allowing me to be so open with you.

Michele:
Thanks for being so patient with me. Thanks for being like a big sister to little me. Thanks for indirectly slapping me hard in the face to wake me up. Thanks for being such a great friend to me even when i dont deserve it. Thanks for being a source of encouragement and motivation through the amount of dedication you give to all your committments. Thanks for the really lovely v.day flower that is still surviving in a vase of water on my bedside table.

Gina:
Thanks for being a great friend to me though ive only known you for less than a year. Thanks for hanging out with me today though you were half dead from a whole day of school (though the offer of haagen daz icecream treat had a very endorphinious effect on you. ahaha.) just because im only meeting teck at 530pm. Thanks for always causing a smile on my face with your crazy antics (and of course your infamous burps). Thanks for a fun time no matter what we do.

Again i must stress that it doesnt mean i dont appreciate you just because your name isnt specifically mentioned. Each and every person in my life is important because God has a purpose for you in my life. And for that, i truely am grateful to all of you.

Take care everyone.
I love y'all.
(:

because Of Him and all of you...

p/s: ok. i actually have some stuff to say to you, my now sad-to-say-but-its-true-long-distance-neighbour, but my eyes are desperately struggling to remain open and make out whats on the screen of my lappy. haha. another day fella. or would you prefer an email? (hur hur. im just adding to your list of "email people".)

Opportunities. Self-Withered.

the heart aches for what that is not there
taken for granted
viewed without a care
till its gone
far beyond our reach
and we desperately hang on with futility
and brimming with regret
that we let go
the chances to reveal the truth.
ignorant chances relinquished.

LOVE...

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, the whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 John 4:19
We love because he first loved us.

Happy Valentines Everyone!
(:

...is GOD.

The Baking Diaries...

Add four eggs...

A cup of sugar...

One teaspoon of vanilla essence...

Four whole packets of cream cheese...

Give it a little whirl with the help of a mixer...

*Wait wait wait...*

After an hour of utter impatience...

I present..a little sneak peek of mouth-watering goodness..

VIOLA! Oreo cheesecake!

hmm..it doesnt exactly look like an oreo cheesecake huh...

oh well..its the taste that counts right?

(:

Every entry represents a labour of love...

on a little sidenote...

You keep giving and taking from me..

Things that could have been. may be.

Tears.
Frustration and exasperation

out of utter incomprehension

that dont drop

being afraid of self-condescension.

God.

Why?

the contented princess...

its true.
when u let go of the crazy things uve been clinging on so tightly to,
life becomes so much better.
you get this amazing feeling of ten thousand pounds being lifted off your shoulders.
all at once.
and all is made more satisfying when u give it up to GOD.

i really thank God for people who make my life so much sweeter.
you know who u guys are.
ha.
and pun not intended on the word "sweeter".
(ref. sneaking out for icecream supper)

oh and i just have to add this.
im gonna be one really really privileged girl on valentines' day.
HA.
*big fat silly grin*
but of course.
as with all things.
it comes with a price.
tsk.
haha.

has got everything she needs..
everything and so much more..

Realisation...

Ed made me recognize one very important factor today.
He said that at the end of all the searching, if two people wanted to be together they had to be open and have fun chatting with each other.
He asked me to imagine not being able to crap with my boyfriend and commented how boring that would be.

You once said you liked me for me.
But its weird how little you actually know about me.
And its strange how i get tongue-tied when talking to you.
Even more bizarre how we sometimes run out of things to say and talk about.

Ok, enough of the complicated emotionally-weighted issues. heh.
Let me say thanks to three guys who made my night a rather interesting and most definitely laughter-filled one.

Thanks to Edwin, Jun Yuan and Shane.

Who, first and foremost, most gallantly helped me to finish up some food from the buffet spread.
Thanks, you have no idea how much it means to me (and my stomach for the next few days).
Secondly, they relieved me of my boredom during the dinner.
Haha. Ok my relatives arent that boring..its just that i dont usually talk to them so yeah. heh.
Its rather amazing how the four of us managed to talk quite a bit and laugh a little bit more depsite me being (almost) a complete stranger to Jun Yuan and Shane.
Thirdly, for inviting me up to the twelfth floor.
I had always wanted to see how was the view from up there. Sorry i didnt stay long though.

God definitely had His hand in this.
I actually invited him to come over.
But he didnt.
And him not being there allowed me to get to know (and know better for ed) these three crappy guys.
Blessing(s) in disguise.
*Grin*

...is not enough. Its what ure gonna do about it. Will i do anything?

The God of all comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3-6

3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.

Im really really blessed.
Whenever i need answers God always provides it.
His timing is so accurate its unbelievable.
The above verse was from today's message.
And it spoke directly to me.

Thank you Father for taking care of even a speck of dust like me.
I know I need to rely on You for answers and strength but all too often i think i can handle it on my own, ending up being more confused and miserable than before.
Teach me to trust in You and Your precise timing for everything in my life that is to come.
Teach me to pray for faith and not demand.
Teach me to seek Ye first the kingdom of God and not the things of this world.
Teach me to be patient and wait.
Teach me to allow You to work through and in me.

And father i pray for a dear sister.
She needs the peace that surpasses all understanding that can only come from You right now.
Help her to see Your goodness and glory throughout all this heartache.
Show her You love her so much, much more than any human could.
Grant her the victory out of all her pain and suffering through your mercy and grace.
Allow me to just be a friend to her.

God is good.
All the time.

All the time.
God is good.

Amen.

Missing.

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

I think i need a slap.

the wrecked...

unnatural unwillingness to slumber
if nightmares are all i see.
heart-thumping resistance to siesta
when all my dreams are scary to me.

so tired so confused
so close to tears
but never the guts to cry.
engulfed in a self-denial state of false hope.

whirlwind -
tumultous beating down of the truthful lie.
a swift slash across the tender beating flesh.
the core of emotions shadows itself into recluse
dubious knowledge of possibility dashed.

soft-hearted.
sentimental.
sensitive.
sweet.
optimism has its limits.
vulnerablity now takes charge.

...state of mind.body.soul.

Friends.

Took the 151 with Kai Sheng this morning..
Was a lot better than last week cause this week i didnt wake up 20 minutes before leaving the house, which usually leaves me really really horribly grouchy..heehee..
Talked about everything under the sun (as we always do..the bus journy is awfully long)..
Driving, PRC scholars, Shopping, Parents, Allowence, Cars, Soci tutors, Clothes, Relationships, Denial, Chinese New Year and yes that Suckling Pig that im gonna have for my reunion dinner.
And Kai Sheng, im really (really!) not as spoilt as i seem to be.
Ok i should just shut up.
With each word (in my defence) i say i just seem to be sinking deeper in.

Was with Michele before meeting WeeWee for lunch.
Really really fun being with her no matter what we do.
Today we had fun playing "fit-the-key-into-the-correct-door" with the soci storeroom.
Haha.
And sorry about making you line up all over again for my katsu-don!
Heh.
Who else in the world would laugh with (and at me) for doing such a silly and stupid thing but yet still go queue up for me?

Crashed WeeWee's science lecture..
The LT was obviously too small for the amount of people at the lecture..
But we thankfully managed to find two seats side by side..
The LT was so warm too..
The lecturer really sucked..
Try to imagine a china man rattling on about enzymes and other funny chemical and bio terms and names..
Tried to revise a bit of my french but the environment was less than conducive..
WeeWee was bored enough to fold me a hi-chew wrapper flower..haha..thanks!

Nthg much for marketing.
Boring.
Its too much like econs.
The only good thing out of it?
Michele, Gina, Me and WeeWee are in the same group.
No unsuspecting lazy bugger in my project group.

I realise today that all my friends treat me the same way.
Be it my close friends, my PL friends, my church friends, my NUS friends etc etc..
They all share this common yet unknown-to-them tendency to tease me and treat me like a xiao mei mei.
Haha.
As Kai Sheng puts it "i subconciously try not to do it".
Right.
But its okay.
I dont mind.
Heh.
Maybe thats why.

Would he lie to me?
Why would he lie to me?
I dare not ask either one of them what in the world is going on.
This is just not getting me anywhere.
I just need to know the truth.
From the horse's mouth.
Are you even intending to tell me at all?

Friends. Just friends.